We Need To Talk

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"We need to talk". Most family problems begin with this phrase. When there are no problems, then there is nothing to talk about: everything is clear without words and you can silently look in one direction. But this sacred phrase sounds here. Before the initiator of its utterance begins his monologue, in a minute a thousand options will be flashed through his head at the opposite side, where he could "screw up" and what can be added in his justification

We expect in advance that they will begin to accuse us of something and, most likely, it will be about something that we do not want to hear. We expect the worst of our predictions to come true and physically our body receives a “run or attack” signal. This triggers a circle of related reactions: sensations, thoughts, words, actions, and the actual result. And it is as follows: we approached the beginning of the dialogue fully armed, in full combat readiness to give a worthy rebuff to the enemy

How do you think this conversation will go?

As I said, there are two options: either run away or attack. In the first case, we close and cut off all replicas in our direction. Such a dialogue, as a rule, ends in nothing and smoothly turns into a sluggish permanent conflict. In the second case, we begin to attack with rage, because, as you know, the best way to defend is to attack. In this case, we are trying to stun the "enemy" by the force of our arguments and counter-claims.

The word "enemy" in this case is used not in a figurative sense, but in the most direct one. Since the partner needs a "conversation", it means he is attacking, and the one who attacks is called the enemy.

Do I need to say that the outcome of such a "conversation" is a foregone conclusion?

Its finale is quite natural and after such a "conversation" people come out with an even greater layer of mutual grievances and increasing mutual distance.

It was a short introduction, but now to the point.

I want to devote my article today to such a delicate topic as mutual understanding in relationships. Sacred theme, fundamental, the basis of the foundations.

It is the mutual understanding that "rules" the relationship and enables the couple to develop and reach a new level of their relationship.

The relationship between a man and a woman develops according to the classic scenario: first, the relationship is seen through the distorting mirrors of "pink glasses", then there is a slight hangover and falling blinkers in relation to each other. Further, more and more clearly we begin to see each other's shortcomings and alienation and hatred come to replace love. That is why it is generally accepted that there is only one step from love to hate. And it is very easy and quick to make this step, especially in relation to the once-to-hell-out loved one. It is close people who can hurt in the very heart and it is their grievances that we digest for a long time and painfully. We cannot be upset by someone else's alcoholic husband, but when our husband made a cordial friendship with the green serpent, it hurts us to the core. We don't care if other people's children cheat and be rude to their parents, and things are completely different if our children do the same. What can we say about the insults inflicted on us by our parents in our distant childhood. These are not just grievances. They are in the nature of mental trauma, which then leave a deep imprint on our entire subsequent life.

And how do you like the cases when divorced spouses after a while again sign and create a family? This is the duality of feelings in all its glory - from love to hate and vice versa. I think that you no longer need to be convinced that love and hate walk next to each other and, like twin sisters, change roles at different periods of life.

When the distance in a couple increases, signs of psychological separation appear: a revision of relationships, a shift in the focus of attention from the “We” paradigm towards “I”. In this case, everyone begins to live their own life within the family. Living together remains just a formality. For some reason, a man and a woman live with each other (children, joint property, business relations, financial dependence), but they become completely strangers. Everyone lives their own life and resigned themselves to the existing state of affairs. The erected wall is a psychological defense against pain and resentment. Defense mechanisms can be very different: repression, depreciation, sublimation (transformation, removal of internal tension by redirecting energy to achieve other goals).

From the state of separation, steam comes out in two ways: divorce or … Love.

Yes, yes, the principle from love to hate in all its glory. If you managed to return love, then the relationship moves to a new level and becomes even richer and brighter. This is already a new quality of love - Divine love. Over the years, we have learned to see in front of us a husband instead of a man or a wife instead of a woman, we impose obligations and roles on each other that we must play ourselves and which our partners must correspond to. Divine Love is the ability to see before oneself, first of all, a unique person who is at his own level of development. This is the ability to understand his actions and accept them as those that are the result of his choice. Divine love is a state where we stop making judgments and conclusions about other people. We just make the same choice every day about our partner - to love.

But all this does not happen at the behest of a pike. Over the years, so many offenses and injuries have been inflicted that, at least to learn to look at each other without disgust, to hear each other without conflicts, to respect each other, to see in another not a source of pain, but a friend. It's important to make friends again.

Remember how small children are friends. They are friends "forever", and in a couple of minutes they can become bitter enemies. And, a few moments later, make friends again. An amazing skill. Every adult needs to learn this from children. But where are we, adults. We are big, smart, right in everything and do not want to see the narrowness of our point of view and admit our mistakes. For us, our own righteousness and pride are more important than friendship and love.

Children don't bother like that. They are wiser in this matter: together it is more fun to run, jump, enjoy life, so you need to immediately make friends again.

“Together it is fun to walk through the open spaces, And, of course, it is better to hum along in chorus"

So, the pair of Love and Hate is also adjoined by Friendship: Love-Hate-Friendship-Love.

As it may seem, what closes the chain is Love. Fanfare, happy end? No…

Then everything is in a circle. In a vicious circle.

“What is our life? A game."

Is it possible somehow differently?

How to break out of this circle?

This is a classic of the genre. I think that the question should not be about how to stop it, but about how to learn how to reduce the periods when we move away from each other to a minimum. We do not need to break this circle of relationships. We need to learn, having passed the next circle, to reach a new level of relationships, i.e. not walking in a circle, but moving upward in a spiral, honing the facets of your love to a dazzling radiance.

Of course, there are couples who do not step on their own rake twice and master the art of Divine love quickly. But most married couples are far from such skill, so they have to return to the penalty loop over and over again.

First, let's figure out why we need all this at all.

Well, it would seem that since the feelings have passed, why should they be revived. You cannot glue a broken cup, and even if you glue it together, it will still not be the same. And where it is thin, there it breaks. And why suffer and suffer at all? Since a loved one drives you to hatred, why continue these hellish torments and wait that over time everything will somehow settle by itself?

That's right, nothing will settle down by itself. To start a change in a relationship, you need to literally "start" them, ie. do something.

In my practice, I often come across the popular wisdom "God pairs people" in action. But not according to the principle: he is rich, she is beautiful. The Universe has completely different plans for us and they are much more complicated than they might seem at first glance.

Unlike the laws of physics, where opposites attract, we converge in pairs according to the principle of generality. But our similarity is very specific: we agree on our injuries. Each of us came into a relationship with a baggage of beliefs, attitudes, attitudes and, unfortunately, trauma.

Where did the injuries come from?

Our birth is one of the very first and most powerful traumas in our life. We are deprived of our cozy home, in which we lived for 9 months, and driven into an unknown world, in which we have yet to learn how to live. Experts consider the first three months of life to be the fourth trimester of pregnancy. Although the umbilical cord is no longer there, the baby still desperately needs his mother: she is his air, strength, life source. Therefore, the mother should take the baby in her arms so that he can still hear her heartbeat, breathing, voice. The subsequent smile, joyful movements of hands and feet when the mother appears is the baby's first victory in the new world and an attempt to trust him. This is the perfect development of the situation. In practice, everything is different: having a baby is a huge stress for the whole family. A young woman needs to learn a new role for her - the role of a mother. Her entire old world is literally crumbling. She needs a lot of things to give up for the sake of the child. Her social circle is narrowing, weekdays and holidays are similar, there are problems with being overweight and constant lack of sleep.

Welcome - postpartum depression.

Instead of an affectionate and caring mother, the baby meets a tired, anxious and irritated mother. Of course, over time, everything will return to normal, and mom will get used to the new role for her. But during this time, the baby will have time to experience his first fears: the loud voice of his parents, the experience of living alone, when the mother does not come to him for a long time at the first call, and the experience of prolonged crying. All this is felt by the baby in the first months of life. It seems to me that if the kid could speak, he would tell us: “Bring me back to my old world. It is warm and safe there and I am loved there."

And then the baby continues to grow. And at the same time, the number of his injuries is growing. Betrayal, injustice, humiliation, the experience of rejection and abandonment are the main types of trauma that we inherit from our "happy" childhood.

More recently, I learned from my mother that at the age of 10 months I was sent to a kindergarten nursery. And not because my mother did not love me, just in Soviet times, maternity leave was provided for only 1 year. Can a small child understand that a Soviet woman is, first of all, a comrade, a member of a trade union, a worker, and only then, if the strength remains, a mother, wife, etc.

Even if children were left not in a nursery, but to be looked after by grandmothers or aunts, the injury was no less painful.

What does a small child feel when his mother leaves him for a long time? All the worst that is possible: he was abandoned, rejected, exchanged, he is not loved anymore. A weak psyche cannot yet figure out the cause-and-effect relationships, therefore, he sees the reasons for his misfortunes in himself. Mom is good, and I am bad, superfluous, unnecessary.

I think most of those reading this article have had similar feelings in one way or another. We do not remember this now, but all these records remained in our subconscious.

Already in the conscious years of our childhood, there are more and more reasons for our fears and complexes: the appearance of younger brothers or sisters, a comparison of our successes and achievements with the successes of other children, guilt for not meeting the expectations of our parents.

How wrong was the person who called childhood a carefree occasion. I will not delve deeply into the topic of children's fears and complexes, since this is a very large topic and deserves a separate story.

This article is about relationships.

As I said, we are looking for a partner that is far from the kind with whom it will be easy and simple for us. Our task in this world is development. The best school for this is our relationship. And the best way to grow faster is to be near your mirror 24 hours a day. We are united by the similarity of our injuries. Our being with each other is a chance to get rid of injuries.

It may seem too complicated to understand, but it is. Remember that stage in your life when you were in search of your partner. There were different options. But for some reason, the more ideal a candidate was for creating a family, the sincerely he loved and cared for you, the more boring it was around him, the worse you treated him. Well, what to take from him: the melancholy is green.

But the scoundrels, womanizers, desperate heads were dearer to us. And you seem to understand with your mind that there is a gap between you, that his attitude towards you leaves much to be desired, but his soul lies with him.

The classic was right.

“The less we love a woman, The more she likes us"

And more often than not, we knowingly know that we will not see anything good from these relations, but obediently go into them, like a lamb to the slaughter. This is how our movement in the circle of relationships begins.

Your partner begins to put pressure on your most painful places, step on bleeding calluses. And it is not at all necessary that he does it deliberately and with the aim of offending or humiliating you. Next to you is your mirror, in which you will see yourself with all your complexes and fears. He will clearly show you what you are afraid of and from what you are trying to run away all your life.

For example, your partner is constantly giving you reasons to be jealous. It offends you, humiliates you. The thought of how a loving person can do this to you does not fit in your head. You continue to love him for a long time, but at some time you get tired of the struggle and already hate him for your suffering. After all, it is him that you blame them for.

What is really going on?

Your partner clicks on the most painful points: it seems to you that he does not pay attention to you, but at the same time he is attentive with other women, does not spend enough time with you, withdraws into himself and leaves you alone, alone with your thoughts. And what are your thoughts.

The truth is this: you cannot be offended by what you do not consider to be true.

If, for example, they tell you that you have purple hair and start bullying you, will that offend you? If your hair is not purple and you know it for sure, then it will not hurt you in the least. You will ignore the attacks of your abuser or, most likely, they will make you laugh.

The same principle of work of our "sore corns". We are what we think of ourselves. If in the past there was an experience of betrayal or an experience of rejection, then you will wait for it to repeat again and again. Most likely, your partner does not even have time to think about communicating with other women, as you already blame, get angry and draw conclusions.

Conclusions are the main reason that we get the same results from life with enviable consistency. This applies not only to personal relationships, but also to work, health, development, etc. Once you have concluded that all men are cheating, you go with this conclusion into each of your next relationships. Once you have concluded that exercise will not help you lose weight, you give up sports and put an end to your figure. What happened once does not have to be repeated all the time. We are not just what we think of ourselves. Our yesterday's thoughts are the reason for today's events. And what we do and think today is the reason for tomorrow. That's all karma.

Once we have experienced betrayal, we begin to look for it everywhere. Our partner shows us our fears and gives us a chance to change this in ourselves. We are either recovering from this, or - welcome to the penalty loop. Either with this partner, or with another. Often the scenarios of our relations are repeated with enviable constancy, and we continue to wonder why we are always "lucky" to be scoundrels.

When I ask these “lucky ones” if they have faced such a situation for the first time, it turns out that this feeling is already familiar to them, that they once had a similar experience. And if you go deeply into the therapeutic work, you can find a rich experience of such painful experiences.

This means that our partners have nothing to do with it.

Before complaining about a villainous fate or a villainous husband, think about the positive aspects of the current situation. To cope with the problems and resentments that have arisen between you means to free yourself and open your hidden essence. Your partners have nothing to do with: the source of the problem is in yourself.

In relationships, our partner seems to be holding a mirror and showing us ourselves. And this reflection can be terrible. Many will choose to run away from the mirror so as not to face the truth about themselves. We start to get angry, to hate.

But there is nothing to blame on the mirror. You can cope with it only by putting yourself in order, having learned to see a wonderful person in yourself.

Otherwise, you run the risk of repeating constantly the same life scenario, where you are a victim and you are offended and betrayed.

What to do?

Stage number 0

Before you say “we need to talk,” ask yourself why you need this conversation. Ask yourself why your partner's behavior hurts you so much?

What "sore calluses" does he step on?

Is this the first time this situation has happened to you?

What am I afraid of?

And if you are honest with yourself, you will understand that the external situation is a projection of your own internal fears. What's inside is outside.

It's important to learn how to deal with your fears on your own. Your partner is not an ambulance that saves you from yourself.

In order to deal with your fears, it is important to make friends with the parts of yourself that you are trying so hard to hide and forget. These are your Shadows. Self-love is impossible without friendship with them.

Self love - this is not buying expensive clothes, going to the SPA, eating only the healthiest and most nutritious food, expensive travel and travel. These are the instruments of Love. Love itself is acceptance of yourself for who you are at the moment, with all the Shadows. Without this, going on a trip, you will feel guilty that you are acting selfishly, that with this money, you could buy your husband and children what they need. This comes from the fact that within there is a sense of unworthiness, unimportance and the interests of others are exalted above their own interests.

Self love - this is an honest recognition of all its positive and negative aspects. And this recognition will allow you to use your strengths in the moment to solve any problems. Self-love is possible only in the moment “here and now”. It is not in the past, and it is not in the future either. The only moment for any transformation is today. Every day is today. Stop digging into the past. If you want to find there the reasons for your misfortunes today, then you will definitely find them.

You can spend many years working with psychotherapists, looking for your Shadows, recognizing them, working with them. Or you can decide to live consciously: accepting the present moment as it is, and relying on your strengths and a clear vision of what you want, recreate yourself.

What does it mean to recreate? You cannot rewrite the book of your life in the past, but you can rewrite your current page at least 10 times a day. And what you write in it today will affect the content of what you write about tomorrow.

“You wake up every morning and come today.

Tomorrow doesn't exist. Therefore, few people change their lives. Everyone hopes for tomorrow.

And you need to hope for now."

This is a very difficult path, but you need to go through it in order to break the vicious circle of relationships and reach a new level.

“The elevator to success doesn't work. Use stairs. Step by step.

Stage number 1.

So you've decided to talk. I described in detail about the ecologists of conflicts in my article “Do not offend me. Or how not to drown in the negative. For those interested - be sure to read. In order not to prolong this article too much, here I will note what I did not say there.

Always keep the purpose of the conversation in mind. What do you want: tell your partner everything that you think about him or do you still want him to hear your feelings? If you just want to blame him, then you will meet the enemy armed to the teeth, which I talked about at the beginning of this article. And you will get nothing but a woeful aftertaste from this conversation.

Once again, your partner is not to blame for your feelings. Your feelings are exaggerated, reinforced by your previous traumas. To you, the problem may seem the size of the Universe, but to him it may seem like it’s sucked from a finger. Therefore, it makes sense to talk exclusively about how you feel and what you want from a partner.

It is very important to talk about what you want. Because without this, your conversation will turn into empty chatter, which men do not like so much. And you run the risk of being misunderstood. There is no need to hope that the man himself will guess what he needs to do from now on.

“My dear, good one. Guess yourself"

Otherwise, it may turn out as in the fairy tale about the Fox and the Crane. Remember what it is about?

The crane invited Fox to visit, prepared a delicious treat and poured it into the best dish that was in his house - a deep jug. The fox could not taste the treats from this dish, she was offended, but did not show it and did not say anything to Crane. She invited him over and spread her treats on a flat plate. Naturally, Crane also failed to appreciate the hospitality of the Fox, and he hit her on the forehead with his beak so that the Fox introduced himself. A sad ending. But everything could have been different. The Crane had no malice and he wanted the best. To understand this, it was enough for Lisa to simply tell about her hurt feelings. But she said nothing, interpreted what she had done in her own way. Well, we know the ending.

Stage 2

Avoid any conclusions. Do not generalize what happened with the phrases "you always", "you are constantly", "you do not care", etc. In this article, I have already talked about the danger of conclusions.

They make the vision narrow and unpromising. And they will definitely not contribute to the dialogue that you hope so. Conclusions are the very same labels that we hang on all special cases and measure everything with a common comb. To see all the danger of labels, it is enough to remember your school childhood and those labels that teachers hung on students. For some, they became prophetic, some were lucky enough to get rid of them and prove the opposite of what was written on their label.

Stage number 3.

Remember that each of us comes into a relationship with our own tasks. Men naively believe that women should want from relationships the same as men. Women believe that men should want what they want. But in reality, this is not at all the case. Men want trust, approval, appreciation, acceptance for who they are. Women want care, respect, devotion, reinforcement of self-confidence, understanding. A simple example that will highlight our difference from each other. Men want to trust women, and women want to trust. Can you tell the difference in two words? This is not only the presence of a prefix, it also has a different meaning. A woman wants to entrust her life to a man, but he needs a woman who will be a reliable rear in his life and who will be able to provide him with a cozy and calm environment at the time when he returns from the "hunt".

When starting a conversation, remember that you need to not only talk about your feelings, but also listen to what the man wants. There will surely be common desires, and against their background, you need to negotiate.

Don't compromise. They give a false sense of victory, while in reality each of you is left with a truncated part of your desires, and what you have left will also not bring appreciable satisfaction. As a result, the baggage of grievances will be replenished with a new portion.

Look for options that maximize the interests of both. Agree that during the next segment of your life, you do not remember past grievances and fully concentrate on this segment of the path. You already know that there is only Today.

More than one person is already a relationship and their result, of course, depends on both. We cannot force the other person to complete their segment of the road with maximum efficiency and stick to the promises made to you. Nobody owes us anything. But we can take 100% responsibility for our part of the path and follow it repeating: "I will do everything that I can."

Knowing the path and walking it is not the same thing

Many things are learned along the way. And it's up to you to choose which one you go for.

The first is movement in a closed circle, the second is in a spiral upward.

"What will happen next is up to us."