2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-31 14:10
In this article, I want to look at the ineffective behavioral strategies of women, which are largely unconscious, therefore, they are little talked about. By implementing these strategies over and over again, a woman begins to feel dissatisfied and unhappy in the relationship in which she is. We will consider them on the example of interaction with a man, but the range of their application, of course, is much wider. With parents, children, colleagues, girlfriends and so on.
People enter into relationships because they have specific needs that can only be realized in interaction with others.
Therefore, the relationship between a man and a woman can be called happy when both partners fulfill their needs in them at a sufficient level.
The level of satisfaction with something can be calculated using the formula:
Satisfaction = Reality - Expectations
If we take this formula in relation to one of the partners, then the simplest thing that he can influence one hundred percent is expectations. This can be done by checking them for reality, by agreeing with the second partner.
- So I would like it to be so. How do you like it? Could you do this for me? Is this my expectation consistent with your goals and capabilities?
Unfortunately, few women think about what is really important for them in a relationship, and even fewer discuss them with a man. They just expect things to work out by themselves. After all, "if he loves me, he will guess what I need." The reality is that a man cannot read a woman's thoughts and guess her desires. And her part of the responsibility is to convey her expectations (but not requirements) to the man.
Another feature of female behavior is to invest in relationships, sacrifice something for the sake of a man, in the hope of earning the realization of their desires.
The relationship of people can be conventionally represented in the form of two accounts, which each opens in the name of the second partner and periodically makes a contribution. At the same time, it is not forbidden to replenish your own account yourself. There is an unspoken agreement that these contributions should be approximately equal in order for everyone to be interested in continuing the relationship. A woman investing in a man hopes that he will notice how much she has already contributed and will want to contribute too. The difficulty is that the other person does not always manage to assess what the investment cost to the partner. Especially if you don't talk about it.
In a long-term relationship, a man begins to perceive the woman's efforts to make his life comfortable as the norm. He is more accustomed to taking some big steps from time to time than many small steps every day. And therefore, the feminine way of filling a man's account may be underestimated. At this point, the woman makes another mistake.
The bill is no longer in her favor, but she continues to donate, instead of taking care of herself or "presenting the man with a check for payment."
Why?
Because the woman is not used to taking care of herself. She was brought up in the tradition: "Take care of everyone and then someone will take care of you." This tradition was passed down in more than one generation of the female gender, it is never spoken out loud, but is absorbed with mother's milk. Therefore, a woman chooses a strategy to wait for a man to guess that it is high time to make a contribution. But he doesn't know.
When the difference in contributions exceeds her patience, she considers herself entitled to:
- To be offended and "sulk" at a man, showing with all his appearance that it is time to pay the bill. But for a man, this difference and the degree of his "debt" is not obvious.
- Get angry and make claims.
Both strategies are manipulative. This is an attempt to top up a bank of relationships without open conversation. Of course, an open conversation is dangerous in those couples where there is no trust in each other, where there is no intimacy and acceptance of the other. If a woman speaks directly, she may be rejected. Therefore, she acts either through resentment: "Guess for yourself what you have done wrong and fix it." Or through the presentation of claims and condemnation, so that, under the influence of guilt, the man wants to reform.
Unfortunately, both of these strategies are doomed to fail.
The most common reaction to resentment is ignoring. A man, subconsciously feeling this silent manipulation, chooses a strategy" title="Image" />
Unfortunately, both of these strategies are doomed to fail.
The most common reaction to resentment is ignoring. A man, subconsciously feeling this silent manipulation, chooses a strategy
- Offended. I will not touch her - she will "move away".
The most common reactions to accusations are "Look at yourself" or just silence, so as not to inflate the conflict even more. The woman interprets this silence as indifference to her.
Why, over and over again, does a woman choose these ineffective strategies instead of engaging in open and respectful conversation?
Because he does not understand the structure of the situation and does not see his contribution to it. She is filled with righteous anger that she has invested so much in this relationship and receives so little from it.
The woman's responsibility is that the situation develops in exactly this way in the following:
1. It was she who endured to the last. Until then, when it became impossible to endure and it became difficult for her to control her emotions.
And then the goal to convey to the partner that which does not suit her and to get a chance to satisfy her needs is replaced by the subconscious goal of "letting off steam". Which, of course, is not formulated by a woman consciously.
2. Habitual strategies learned from childhood - to react through complaints and grievances. Being in the grip of emotions, a woman follows the beaten track.
3. Fear of rejection if you speak directly about your needs. She hints and waits instead of open conversation.
The paradox is that, as a result, a woman gets rejected by a man instead of satisfying her needs.
However, this strategy is reinforced because at least one important goal is being achieved. The scandal happened and the emotions were partially released. This makes it easier and the partner has the strength to endure for some time. Until next time.
Over time, situations accumulate, conflict and misunderstanding grows. The woman feels that she is not appreciated, the man feels that he is constantly "sawed" and driven into a sense of guilt.
Partners are increasingly moving away from each other so as not to come into contact with painful emotions. If none of the partners change their strategy, they will move as far as possible and disappointment in the relationship will ensue. There will be less and less contributions and more and more grievances. When negative emotions in a relationship cross a certain inner line of patience, people diverge.
What is the way out of this trap, into which people who initially love each other fall? I think that the main readers of this article are women, so the exit algorithm will be for them.
First - realize your ineffective strategies.
Second - learn to voice your expectations, relate them to reality. Do not endure to the last, start as early as possible. Taking the risk of speaking openly and respectfully.
Third - learn to take care of yourself. If you learn to do this for yourself, in a wonderful way, it will be easier for a man to take care of you. Because it is much more pleasant to please a happy woman.
That's all. Hope this article was helpful to you.
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