2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
How do we want intimacy and run away from it, why is this happening and is there a way out?
Whether a person knows the experience of close relationships, or not, everyone strives for closeness. Someone was more fortunate, someone less fortunate, but it doesn't matter if you are familiar with closeness from childhood or, on the contrary, had a different experience, it is possible to build close relationships, despite the past context.
But we often run away from close relationships. Why?
A close relationship is a place where we can bask next to loved ones, care and feel cared for, but. This is also where we can get hurt.
A close relationship is when we let people get so close that it is easy for them to hurt us. All our deep wounds and grievances were inflicted by loved ones much more often than someone else. In close relationships, we are open and vulnerable. So does this mean that it is better not to build a close relationship?
Unfortunately, many choose this path and build distant relationships. Or a relationship based on manipulation. Or based on formalities. Or codependency.
So as not to get hurt.
When you go to a person with an open heart and are left with this one on one, because he cannot yet answer you in kind, most likely you will feel rejection and pain, maybe even resentment.
But for sure this is the situation that I would like to avoid.
If your close relationships in the past have not been cloudless, but on the contrary, are often traumatic, most likely you will prefer to keep some kind of isolation from other people.
How do we deprive ourselves of intimacy?
The most effective way to avoid intimacy is to be isolated. Then no one will hurt you for sure. The less contact you have with other people, the less likely you are to get hurt. In this case, there will be no warmth and intimacy either.
The second way to avoid intimacy, paradoxically, is an emergency approach. You may meet someone and notice that your relationship is progressing very quickly. You quickly get to know each other, share everything intimate that you have accumulated, and then suddenly you notice that at some point you become bored. Or a person who looked like the height of warmth pulls back. Sometimes the distance is as rapid as the approach.
If you have overtaken yourself in relationships with other people, most likely this situation will take revenge on you. And even if you yourself have significantly accelerated this relationship, you will want to move back.
The feeling of closeness can be too hot
"Sex is not a reason to meet" is another way to avoid intimacy. Quite often, a flutter in the heart and a feeling of warmth from another person can be confused with the desire to immediately copulate with him. And if the method of rapid convergence is typical for you, you can often quickly sexualize contact as well.
In this case, the next morning, or after a short time, you may notice something that you did not notice in the first moments of tension that you translated into sex. The person may not be so beautiful, not so smart, not so educated in your eyes. Even if your partner is very smart, handsome, talented and suits you, the next morning you may feel disgusted.
Not because he or she is wrong, but because the rapprochement was too fast
Disgust is a natural reaction to being overused. If the rapprochement was too fast, you may have disgust as a way to protect yourself.
Another way to avoid intimate relationships is with the idealization-devaluation swing. You can only enter into a close relationship with someone who is beautiful. Regardless of whether it is professional, friendly or sexy, you want to choose the most suitable partner for you. And, more often than not, you come into contact not with a real person, but with some ideal image. It is a matter of time before imperfection spots begin to appear on this image. You can understand that the person is not who you presented him, and not who he pretended to be.
Cuddling, oddly enough, also turns out to be a way to avoid close contact. Imagine a situation when a person to whom you have tender mutual feelings approaches you and says: you are very dear to me. You hug so as not to see his eyes! Chances are, when the hug ends and you look at each other again, you will feel the same awkwardness as a few seconds ago. But since you have already hugged, the contact can be ended. You go in different directions.
One way to avoid intimacy is to contact as many people as possible. If you are the soul of the company, it is very easy, and contacts can even be very warm. But ask yourself a question, returning from another party, - have you ever been in that place, are you high? Have you managed to get closer than usual with any of those people?
Sound familiar to you? Found yourself in some examples? The good news is, it's surmountable. But only in contact with people, not theoretically.
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