A Pitiful Semblance Of Love (5 Tips For Mothers)

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Children of the former USSR, children of the CIS, we spent all our childhood in kindergartens, in the yard and on extended school days. Our parents at that time plowed in production for the good of the country. We grew up deficient in unconditional love in a world that forbids feelings. Without that love, which is as important as air for the healthy development of every person.

We already understood, proved that even if people achieved SUPER SUCCESS due to the desire to escape from an unhappy childhood, then … They still remained unhappy inside and could not gorge themselves on people, money, victories, pleasures. They still remained empty (I will not talk about those who are trying to solve the problem of their emptiness with the help of psychology and spiritual practices).

Our grandmothers, great-grandmothers, who found themselves in the war, clenched their will into a fist, and with it pain and love … And so from fist to fist they passed it on to us. Our mothers have not learned to love (so that it really was love, and not its pitiful surrogate). And we do not know what it is like: to love with unconditional love.

Here are some simple rules.

Just walking around the house, cooking and breastfeeding is not enough to make your baby feel loved. Express love to your child every day through 5 love languages:

1. Tell him: “I love you so much, you are the best for me, I have been waiting for you for so long, you are my precious, it is so important to me how you feel, you are my beloved sun))) I love you just like that, what you are, I will always love you, no matter what, remember that you always have me, my whole life path, which led exactly to YOU, is valuable to me, thank you for being in my life."

2. He must see you not 5 minutes a day. (At least 4-5 hours) I think it's bad when a child is in the kindergarten late all day long, and even around the clock. And if you have frequent business trips or a lot of work and your child is with a nanny or grandmother, do not be surprised when he grows up and does what the grandmother or nanny thinks is right, contrary to your values.

3. Hug him, stroke his head, ruffle his hair, braid his braids, scratch his back, tickle him, throw him up to the ceiling and roll on his back. Bathe him, hug him tightly. Hold his hand. Go to bed with him.

4. Spend time together - watch his favorite cartoons, play, draw, do exercises, cook dinner, walk. Any one activity a day together is something that both of you enjoy.

5. Reaffirm your love with actions and actions. Always act as if your action was filled with unconditional love for the child. (Do not shout, do not spank, do not humiliate, do not reproach, do not shame, do not devalue, but protect, take care, take care, praise, chol and cherish).

(Example for number 5) Imagine yourself in his place. Here the teacher complained about you, your mother came home and scolded you instead of telling the teacher that you were a talented girl, and she would help to cope with this problem. And you felt what? I don’t think that when you were small, you would say: “Oh, kay, mommy is right, I'm bad. I will study better. Even if she said so, then after the tenth such mother's act, you would have stopped believing in her love.

And when you became a teenager, you would have said: "Mom, if you loved me, you would not do this to me!" and left, slamming the door. Now you can even scold your child, but at the same time you will desperately know inside that he is right, and that you will no longer subjugate his soul by force! This is an adult who becomes able to distinguish between real, that is, unconditional love, and the fake one, which you held as a banner passed on by your parents, who did not know, just like you, true unconditional love.

Or another reaction to this behavior of your mother: you would stop believing that you are worthy of love, which is even worse! After that, all the people in your life (that is, in the life of your child, now you are doing this to him) will be scolding, disrespecting, suppressing, devaluing, reproaching, humiliating.

And you let him be a person with a capital letter by right from birth. Only 5 rules, and the child will feel unconditionally loved. He will grow up healthy and will create healthy relationships in the future. And you - to be proud of him and feel like the happiest woman in the world …

If not us, then who?

If we do not learn unconditional love, then when will it be able to seep into our family from the military catacombs, from the depths of the ages? We all didn't know how to do it right. We did not have spiritual institutions and psychology, in the Soviet and post-Soviet times, and even when they appeared, it is rare in any family that a child is spanked and shouted at. I want to say, my dear mothers, you are not to blame. YOU are just children of your time.

Human reaction to trauma, and the war was trauma (loss, death, horror, pain, fear, destruction …) - nature is so laid down - it is to stop feeling, turn off the heart - otherwise you will not survive, you will not cope with the task of survival. Our grandmothers passed it, they froze, without love, with guns, shovels, rifles and could not be soft, kind, loving, gentle … And we carry this trauma in our hearts, because we are still blindly copying the behavior of our mothers, who in turn copied the behavior of their own.

Have you ever seen a woman with the gaze of a military man in a war zone? And talking to her child as if he was her soldier or a captured enemy? And at the same time hanging over the child and screaming wildly: “Why did you do this? We LOVE you! It's time for us to let go of this, this survival mission.

Things are good. The war is already over. (And those that continue - from the lack of love for children around the world). We can slowly begin to love our children with small steps so that they can see it, hear it, feel it, confirm it by our actions so that they believe that they are the best and most dear to us. And that they deserve to be loved by their spouses, children, friends. Unconditionally loved, just for what they are, as they are … Unique, wonderful, inimitable … To love them at this time that nature has given us - their childhood. A time that will never happen again in our lives.

The time of the most real, unconditional, natural love …