Children Of Mothers Incapable Of Love

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Mothers love their children unconditionally - it is an accepted fact. The most widespread opinion among people is that a mother cannot but love her child, this is how nature intended.

But sometimes even nature is wrong. An example of this: a baby in a garbage chute, a small child thrown out of a window, a foundling left in an orphanage. They say about such mothers: "she is crazy", "heartless", "drug addict or alcoholic".

And what do they say about mothers who look after and take care of their child, bring up and pay attention to him, but do not like … Usually they do not talk about such mothers at all. Because the mothers themselves never admit this to anyone. "Not to love your own child" is a taboo.

But sometimes such mothers come to therapy, and a long history of healing, first of all, of their own wounds begins, but now is not about that …

Now about the children who grew up with such mothers. There is such a phenomenon "killing dead mother". (the term is borrowed from Olga Sinevich) This is a mother who is alive and physically close to her child, even takes care of him, but is not emotionally present in his life.

This may be a mother with prolonged depression, a chemically dependent mother, a mother who has suffered the death of another child or loved one, or a mother who herself is traumatized as a result of being raised by her own "emotionally dead mother."

Such mothers are often unaware of the degree of their emotional emptiness and lack of genuine interest in the child. Usually, all negative impulses to the child are displaced from consciousness. More often than not, mothers are not aware of their subconscious aggression towards their own children and try in every possible way to compensate for the incomprehensible "feeling" by excessively caring for the child. Therefore, they try to follow every step of the child, his marks at school, his health, clothes, friends, they hire tutors, they take him to various electives.

From the outside, it looks like the child is treated kindly by mother's love. "And his mother does everything for him, and she doesn’t want a soul in him." How does it feel to have the perfect mother and still feel like your mother is not in your life?

Despite the fact that the child sees all the maternal efforts and her "care", he is always all the same "not enough" of the mother. It seems that she is here, with him, in the same apartment. But the child feels lonely, unheard, unseen. The child always feels some distrust of the mother: "what if he doesn't take me from kindergarten?" reason and obvious reason. But from somewhere a constant inner fear and a feeling of "unreliability", "inaccessibility" and "unpredictability" of the mother …

The absence of precisely "emotional closeness with the mother" deprives the child of the basis of safety and is the cause of permanent anxiety, which remains with him for the rest of his life.

This absence is often expressed in the fact that the mother may know for sure all the grades in a quarter of the child, but not know about his main "dream", about his "first love", "about fear of public speaking in class", about "favorite cartoon or TV series ".

The child knows that the mother will always pay attention and scold for bad behavior, but will not praise for good. The mother seems to be filtering all the positive information, concentrating only on the negative: "What is your temperature?" with strangers - they will steal "," and I told you that it will be so, now do not whine. " Especially such mothers are focused on the illnesses of the child. Therefore, most children remember their mother, who is especially caring in moments of serious illness. This often contributes to the fact that the children of such mothers very often get sick. After all, this is the only time when the mother is fully devoted to caring for the child.

For such a child, already being an adult and having come to therapy, for some reason it is difficult to remember when his mother supported him or stood up for him … Often there are no memories of how the mother praised or supported certain qualities. Nor do I remember the words "don't be afraid, I'm with you", "together we will cope", "you will succeed" …

Growing up, such a person has low self-esteem, suffers from self-doubt and constant doubts about the choice. Often he cannot take responsibility and is constantly afraid to make a "mistake".

It is also often found that such mothers believe that "it is better for them to know what their child needs" (which is precisely due to the lack of genuine interest in the child's personality). In this regard, children grow up and do not know anything about themselves - what they love, what is important for them in life, what are their basic values, what character, what personality traits they possess.

In most cases, children identify "self" with "their mothers' description of them." But since “killing dead mothers” tend to focus on the negative, children's self-perception becomes very split as well. The negative sides of the personality are accepted, and the positive ones are not recognized or repressed. In this regard, people often feel "flawed", "not like everyone else", "not good enough."

And in the place of self-love, acceptance, confidence, trust in oneself, a "hole" is formed that cannot be filled: no friends, no work, no hobbies, no study, no books, no films, no relationships, not even your own children …

Such people embark on an endless search for the "golden rule" in books, in trainings, with psychologists, in spiritual practices. Eternal search becomes the meaning of life. As if there is this magic instruction that will help you become self-confident, worthy, realized, successful, needed and most importantly loved … Loved just like that, just the way you are.

This is all that once they could not feel from their mother. And now they do not feel this in relation to themselves. From there is a hole from which one cannot run or hide.

Is there a way out? - there is.

1. Realize that your mother did not “love” you, not because you were not worthy of her love, but because she herself had certain injuries and a “hole” inside.

And from the "hole" love is difficult to "extract", usually it generates only anger and aggression. Because it is difficult to share what we ourselves are in short supply. Therefore, instead of love, only aggression appears, which is repressed by the mother herself in every possible way, and the child still feels it at a subconscious level. And a little later, the repressed mother's aggression towards the child becomes the basis of this child's attitude towards himself.

2. Stop destroying yourself. To realize that the feeling "something is wrong with me", "I am not good enough", "I am not like everyone else" - this is all "Hello!" from your mother, and really has nothing to do with you. It was my mother's inner unconscious sensation in relation to herself. This is not about you.

3. To understand that “not receiving love and support from your mother” does not mean at all that this love and support cannot be received from other people around you. If you feel that your husband, wife, boyfriend or child does not value you enough, loves and respects you … - remember your mother. If the internal "hole" of the mother did not allow her to love, respect, accept and appreciate you, this does not mean that now other people should "take the rap for it," now constantly enduring your aggression, resentment and attacks.

4. Accept and accept your mother. That's how she is. Yes, now it’s hard for you, and it’s been hard for many years. Yes, she did not support and did not accept. But why adopt her habits? You are an adult and you can fully accept yourself, support and love. Become your own mother that you once missed.

5. Feel the love in yourself. The "hole" that is in you is like a suction funnel that whispers "become different", "work on yourself", "be better" … and then "mom will love you and recognize you." Will not love or recognize.

But your enormous life-long work for the sake of changing yourself is proof that there is great love in you. Love for your mother, because of which you are still diligently trying to "become someone else", "desperately scold yourself", etc.

But this love, which unconsciously moves you, can be directed both in relation to yourself and in relation to the people around you. And then, gradually, at the place of the "hole", you will feel love …

Read about the behavior of people who grew up with "dead killing mothers" in the next article.