2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Unlike auto-aggression, which is quite easy to recognize, passive aggression towards oneself is inverted so that it seems that you do nothing openly with yourself, you do not cut your hands, you don’t pull your hair out, you don’t bang your head against the wall, and as a result it is still applied to yourself "slow" harm, which sometimes is not even realized.
Passive aggression towards yourself can be recognized by: constant complaints to yourself (about how bad everything is and how bad everything is); ironicizing myself and unreasonable criticism of myself, leading to the conclusion that I cannot and cannot do anything; the belief that everything is bad due to the fact that I am pursued by failure, evil eye, damage, government, etc.; envy of others (they have succeeded, but I have not, and will not succeed); expressing contradictions in behavior (I want to go to university, but I don’t prepare for exams; I want to find a job, but I’m lying on the couch); aggressive self-defense against your own claims to yourself (I could not, but I am not to blame!); the constant search for the approval of other people, without which I seize myself with claims and gloomy predictions; a careful search in a conversation with an interlocutor for confirmation that I am a nonentity (which is an excuse for my inaction); fantasizing about an extremely unfavorable future; the fact that I give up without a fight in any competition or just don't start competing at all (they will win anyway); work solely so that everyone "fell with delight"; constant excuses or explanations to someone, even if nothing happened; long and ineffective work, when at the very last moment I can “accidentally” destroy what I have invested in for a long time, etc.
Passive aggression can also manifest itself in the development of certain strategies that do not allow a person to achieve what he wants. For example, it can be: procrastination; excessive consumption of food, alcohol; impulsive actions (did it thoughtlessly and ruined everything); retreat from a healthy lifestyle; loss of attention while doing something; taking on an excessive amount of work (which cannot be handled); careful ignoring of problems in the family, at work, in professional development, with health; unrealistic expectations from life; haste that leads to negative results; refusing help when you really need it; too much passion for something that destroys other aspects of life; overestimation or underestimation of risk; a large number of unfinished business; giving up their needs; the habit of taking everything to heart, which leads to disruption of daily life, etc.
Passive aggression towards oneself can be inherited from a parent with a similar strategy of behavior.
It can also be developed in families in which:
- in order to receive approval and love, the child had to admit his guilt and inability to do something on his own (when the mother was happy that he needed her and could not live without her);
- the child's sense of inferiority developed steadily against the background of constant failures and criticism;
- the parent-controller took responsibility for everything, contributing to the development of helplessness in the child;
- the domineering mother never asked about the child's desires, making all decisions for him (as a result of which he could feel pleasure from his strength only in passive resistance), etc.
A person can also choose a similar strategy to maintain some kind of addiction, creating the illusion among loved ones that he has repented and will no longer be so.
It is believed that the basis of such behavior is two competing attitudes "I want" and "I do not want". One of them belongs to the mature part of the personality, the other to the childish, rebellious. One of them wants something, and the other doesn't. As a result of such actions of one part of the personality in relation to another, a person either does not move anywhere, or rolls back.
For example, a mature person might say, "You need to learn English to find a new job and make more money." For the child's part of the personality, all this seems boring and tedious, and she begins to resist in every possible way and put a spoke in the wheels.
The adult part at first tries to fight and organize, admonish, scold himself, but eventually fizzles out and gives up, not understanding why nothing worked (after all, so much effort was spent). In the end, shifting the blame onto others and the circumstances.
Over time, such interactions between the child and adult parts become familiar, and the answer about why it is better to do nothing and why nothing works is already ready in advance.
Many people live their whole lives without trying to change anything (after all, it's useless anyway). And why? If passive aggression towards oneself does not particularly interfere, it is within the comfort zone and is so familiar and dear.
However, it in every possible way prevents a person's self-realization. And, as A. Maslow said: "If you intend to become a less significant person than your abilities allow, I warn you that you will be a deeply unhappy person."
Therefore, noticing the intrigues of your inner saboteur, sometimes you should ask yourself the question: “What am I doing now?”, Trace my strategy, think about why I am doing this and what I want to avoid.
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