How To Raise Self-esteem If Self-esteem Is Low?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Clients come to me with a question: how to raise self-esteem?

Usually, when people talk about self-esteem, they mean something mythical that directly affects the lack of happiness in their life.

In the conversation, it turns out that the person has a feeling of joylessness, dissatisfaction with life and discomfort. He gets the impression that what is happening does not depend on him, there is no way to make changes in life in accordance with his desires. And this state is attributed by a logical construction to low self-esteem. There is a desire to increase self-esteem and the opinion that after that everything in life will go great. But happiness depends on whether a person lives on the basis of his own values, whether he is satisfied with his life, whether his life is harmonious. And self-esteem is how a person ESTIMATES himself.

In practice, if you ask a person a number of questions about his life, it turns out that any adult is able to adequately assess his qualities, knowledge, abilities, skills and achievements, the attitude of colleagues, the love of friends, and more.

In fact, by low self-esteem people most often mean internal conflict:

• when a person appreciates himself, but this is not confirmed by the environment: “I am smart, I live like a fool,” “I feel very bad and try to become better,” “I try, I can’t succeed,” “I am an excellent specialist, but I get paid a pittance."
• when a person realizes that they are unfair to him, that he is being used, but is afraid to give back or change the situation. Many even think that they are better than others, but the world is unfair to them.

In fact, it turns out that a person's self-esteem is high, but when he starts comparing himself with others, evaluating himself based on the success and expectations of other people, a feeling of his own failure arises.

As such, there is no low or high self-esteem, it is more correct to talk about healthy and unhealthy, positive and negative self-esteem, personality structure and behavior patterns.

Self-esteem can be thought of as a flower - chamomile. Many petals are qualities, skills, achievements. And in the center is the core of the inner personal experience of one's own value, which is not connected with anything at all: "I am and I am valuable in myself!" The very fact of a person's birth and life, his existence is unique and has value and significance, while in no way connected with his skills, education, the amount of money, position held, etc. The state "I am!" and especially “I am as I want” gives a person a feeling of fullness of life, joy, happiness and creativity.

If a person has such an experience of his own worth, then the person evaluates himself in terms of achieving his goals, satisfying his desires and needs.

Then all other skills and achievements correspond to the personal goals and values of the person himself.

For example, everyone is learning English, but why do I personally need it? I don't need it, I won't teach him. At the same time, self-esteem does not suffer, because a decision has been made here: English is not needed to achieve my goals, for my life and satisfy my needs. Or a career: I'm fine with where I am. Or, on the contrary, a person says that it is important for him personally to master certain skills in order to achieve such and such goals. And this is the criterion: do the skills and abilities help me personally to solve my problems and satisfy my needs. When a person has a healthy, harmonious self-image, he does not compare himself with others. His self-esteem does not depend on the opinions of other people.

And when in the center of the personality structure there is no experience of its value or it is such an experience that cannot be relied on, a person evaluates his or her successes, focusing on someone else's achievements, on someone's career, the opinion and expectations of others, on their desires, needs and goals. …A person lives "not his own" life, he lacks self-realization, self-actualization.

They say about such a person that he “has no core”. The whole life of such a person is a process of compensation, because there is no main thing - his own criteria and goals. In this case, the person's personality is vulnerable and vulnerable. He is touchy, does not tolerate any criticism and remarks, since his self-esteem directly depends on the opinions of others. He wants happiness, but he wants to get it from other people, because he is guided by social patterns, patterns and stereotypes. He is dependent on approval, insignia, and achievement. He always strives for something, proves something to someone. He is uncomfortable, there is no joy, and therefore it seems to him that something is wrong with his self-esteem. But in fact, he feels bad because there is no core of personality - there is no self in his life, there is no feeling of "I am."

Such self-esteem is considered unhealthy and is part of the victim's psychology. The person pleases, rescues, complains, worries, and controls others. But such behavior cannot give satisfaction, because it is not the center of the life of others. Other people have them. But he so wants to get satisfaction from others, and he persistently demands attention, care, love and approval. And when he doesn't get what he wants, he suffers a lot. Using behavioral models of "victim" - he lives like a victim and feels unhappy.

People with unhealthy self-esteem who use victim strategies may look like successful, powerful, well-to-do people who are good in life. They are actively demonstrating this, they need everyone to believe in it. They assert themselves, put pressure on others, strive to occupy a high position in society.

People with harmonious self-esteem do not need window dressing, they have no need to prove something. Their self-esteem does not depend on the external attributes of success. At the same time, such people realize their life as full, harmonious and happy.

Self-esteem is an important link in the structure of the human personality, it is on its basis that a person decides how and in which direction to develop. Self-esteem determines the perception of the world and human behavior.

The basis of self-esteem is laid in the family and develops depending on life circumstances. If the parents gave the child the experience of unconditional love and acceptance, when the parents love their child simply for the very fact of his existence, he will form a healthy assessment.

But more often parents say to their children: “Why love you, what good have you done to whom? If you bring good grades, wash the floor, then you will earn my love."

This is how unhealthy self-esteem is formed - a person has experience that he is loved for something. Love must be earned, love only when you do something good to someone. And then a person's self-esteem depends on the assessment of the people around him - it depends absolutely and completely.

At the same time, there is a feeling that he does not live his life, that he does not do what he wants. But what he wants - he no longer knows, because he does not know what to focus on. There is no experience of life based on one's own desires. A person is even afraid of his desires, considers his needs unimportant and unnecessary. Even all goals are aimed at gaining the approval of others.

What to do? How to make self-esteem healthy?

When there is no nucleus, the personality structure is not formed. Unfortunately, there are no quick recipes, it is impossible to press a button - and everything will change. Rehabilitation is needed, a lot of work to restore the personality.

No matter how old you are, begin the process of rebuilding yourself. Take responsibility for your life and start helping yourself. Everything can be learned.

• Learn to recognize your feelings. At first it is difficult to treat all your feelings without exception with respect. Be aware of them, not be afraid and manifest. Many are afraid of their feelings, since they are completely unable to express them in a socially acceptable way, they do not know how to express or speak them.
• Be aware of your desires - everything, everything, everything. Not only correct, permissible, but respect all your desires and look for the opportunity to satisfy them.
• Be aware of your needs and satisfy them.
• Set boundaries for people and defend their interests in a civilized way.
• Set your goals based on your interests.
• Get away from pressure, violence, control.

Only when the focus of attention shifts from the opinions of others, to the experience of one's own worth, a feeling of joy will appear.

It is impossible to separate the process of gaining a healthy self-esteem and a joyful, happy life.

It is in the process of realizing one's feelings and desires, satisfying one's needs, identifying one's goals, defending personal boundaries that self-respect and dignity appear.

It is perfectly natural for a person to have high positive self-esteem, which is realized through the ability to live based on their own interests. A person has the right to high self-esteem by the fact of his birth.

The Learning to Love Yourself program develops healthy self-esteem skills.