Family Therapy Is Divorce

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Author: Mikhail Labkovsky Source:

"Family therapy" is one of the specialties written in my diploma. I have been practicing family therapy for many years. This is when two family members come to the reception at the same time. With the help of a psychologist, they sort things out and come to an agreement. Like in the movie "Mr. and Mrs. Smith". Relatively recently, I realized that this does not work. And I don't do it anymore. Let me explain why.

The case of Anna O. (names have been changed)

She came after an injury - a fracture of the base of the skull, which the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation interprets as grievous bodily harm, which was inflicted on her by her second husband. The first one broke her arm right at the wedding. During the conversation, it turns out that she is from a family of alcoholics, where her father behaved in the same way. Therefore, drunkenness, scandals and assault are normal components of family life for her. She does not understand that she herself is subconsciously drawn to such men. And even more - she is generally happy with her husband. He says that when he is sober, he is "very good, he spends time with the children and helps with the housework." It's just that "in such a state, he is not able to control himself."

How do you see family therapy in such a couple? I am sure that you can only work with your wife.

Or the case with Katya Z. The husband is absent most of the time, travels on business trips, does not take care of children, does not help around the house, and even goes on vacation without his family. Was seen in treason. How does she end the story about him? “I love him! What can we do to have a normal family?"

The correct answer is "Change your husband."

However, a family psychologist cannot say this. He will offer to bring a spouse for consultation. But even my wild imagination does not see options and formulations, after which he suddenly becomes an exemplary family man. 80 out of 100 that he will not go to a psychologist at all. The situation does not threaten him - his wife loves him in any case.

It is not the business of a psychologist to give advice and ask a woman: "How do you live with such a monster?" But a psychologist can figure out WHY she lives without getting joy from life and confidently believes that the cause of all her misfortunes is in her husband and his bad behavior. A psychologist can save a woman from a neurosis that makes her in a similar position, suffer, cry, change nothing and feel terrible year after year.

Here you can decide that Katya's husband is a typical bastard and a rare bastard who lives for his own pleasure. But the most interesting thing is that the husband in such a pair is also neurotic and also very unhappy. He does not love his wife, considers himself a great martyr who lives with a stupid ugly and lives only because high notions of duty and honor prevent him from "abandoning his family." And just to somehow exist in this hopelessness, he had to have a mistress. And in order to spend less time in a hateful house - he is forced to go on business trips. And, of course, he considers himself a hero - he drags everything on himself, loves children in his own way, but he enrages how his mother brings them up, and he does not want to conflict, so he simply does not deal with them. He wants to keep the family, but does not want to live in it. “But I could be happy,” he says to himself (or to his mistress). Like he could, but he sacrificed himself for his "decency."

All this, of course, is neurotic delirium and complete bullshit, but firstly, during a family consultation, he will not tell all this. And secondly, if such a person comes to a psychologist, it is not in order to save the family, but out of despair, a dead end in life … And again we need to figure it out tete-a-tete.

In the 90s, I worked in the country's only state-owned Moscow family consultation.

Let's tell you what the reception looked like.

Two people come in - a husband and a wife.

Usually a man gives up a chair to his wife, and he sits down on a chair. I'm asking:

- Who will start?

They hesitate and are silent.

Then I say:

- Who was the initiator of the visit? Let him start the conversation.

In most cases, a woman initiates a visit to a psychologist, and she begins a story about problems in the family. About the fact that her husband does not understand her, does not pay attention to her, does not take into account her opinion, does not listen when she says something, and he himself rarely engages in conversation with her and only on business …

Next comes the turn of the husband, and he says that, for a minute, he works two jobs, is very tired, but nevertheless, if the wife says that she needs a new coat, he buys her a new coat, and if she wants to go with the children at sea - he pays for the trip. And all this is not so easy. And he wants respect in his own home and understanding how much he does for the family. And yet, he says, his wife, by the way, is not at all interested in his problems at work, and does not know "where do I get the money from at all," but she constantly reproaches him for all sorts of small reasons, such as: "at least wash the plate after myself", "At least once with the child I took a walk" …

I will not bore you with a lot of similar stories that ended in approximately the same way.

Wife: "He's not alone! Is it difficult for him to lower the toilet lid after himself?"

Me: "It's not difficult for you, is it? Let's agree that you will try to lower the toilet lid behind you?"

Husband: "Of course! I will take care of myself, because I love my wife and do not want to give her grief. But she knows that I am peeing while standing, and at least sometimes she could lift the toilet lid after her."

Wife: "I will also try and I will lift the lid behind me at least sometimes."

Do you believe that after such a conversation, something can seriously change in such a family? After 35 years of work, I know that it cannot.

Only one type of family therapy I find really useful is the mediation of a psychologist in divorce. But it is precisely this that is not practiced in Russia.

In 1991 in Jerusalem, I entered the Family Mediation Service for three years. And for three years, apart from family therapy itself, he studied the legal side of divorce, comprehended Western examples of civilized separation of spouses, and in two versions: religious and secular. After all, some Israelis get divorced in a rabbinical court, some in a civil one. And both rights must be well known in order to talk in detail about the obligations, rights and capabilities of each of the parties during the negotiations. And it is you who should do this, not a lawyer, since a lawyer is a person who is hired by one side AGAINST the other. And this is a completely different level of negotiations.

There are many nuances. The division of property is being discussed; with whom the children stay; the mode of communication with the child of the parent, who will live separately; his participation in paying for the needs of the child in addition to alimony, etc. The subject of negotiations is the payment for treatment, education and recreation of the child, the so-called "unpredictable needs" and a lot of details: from "if the mother gets married again (the father gets married), then …", "if the mother (father) wants to emigrate, then …" and etc.

The task of the family mediator was for the spouses to agree on everything peacefully and so that the matter did not reach the COURT. And there was no case that the negotiations that I conducted in this service did not end with the "Settlement Agreement".

Despite the fact that people who literally hate each other come to the mediator's office. Divorce is not just that, it is preceded by quarrels, protracted conflicts, scandals, infidelity, and much more … But the couple has children, and the children love both parents. And we need to minimize the trauma, make sure that after a divorce, a man and a woman, mother and father can calmly interact with each other and communicate normally with the child. (After all, even at 50, if your parents do not speak, this is a tragedy for you (a lot of complexes are attached). So that after the divorce of his parents he would have a normal family, just mom and dad live separately. As practice shows, this is quite achievable.

And in this kind of family therapy, and this is also therapy, I saw a high sense. I saw the result.

And after negotiations about the toilet lid - no. And I don't believe in them anymore. The husband does not lower the toilet lid, not because he forgets, and not because he is sure - his mission is to make money, and the toilet is the tenth thing … No! He's just not happy with his wife. And doing it out of spite, he expresses his aggression. And since conflict psychology is very characteristic of our people, conflicts in the family are inevitable.

Such a relationship between spouses is a relationship between two neurotics. It is impossible to change this relationship without changing people.

Faced with similar cases now, I turn to another therapy, in which we do not analyze the claims and feelings towards the marriage partner. We hardly touch them. Do you know why? Because any conflict and any problem of interpersonal relations is always a projection of a person's attitude to himself and his life. Low self-esteem, self-rejection, dissatisfaction with oneself, ANY internal conflicts, a person naturally translates to the one with whom he lives.

I suggest not to go to a psychologist in pairs, but to work independently.

If the therapy is successful, then a peaceful life begins for people in a couple. Or a healthy partner who managed to get rid of a neurosis becomes uninteresting in a neurotic relationship.

I will not hide the fact that after working with a psychologist, having finally felt what inner harmony, joy of life, pleasure from every day lived, many soon get divorced. It becomes difficult for them to be in a (previously familiar) situation of constant tension, clarification of relationships, aggression. And various kinds of manipulations by the partner - they no longer cling.

Therefore, it is possible to return good relations, a healthy atmosphere in the family only if not both together, but each separately, will take care of putting things in order in their heads.

But unfortunately, in the overwhelming majority of cases you hear:

- And so everything is all right with me! This is he (she) crazy crazy!

At this moment I would like to ask: if so healthy, then how did you give birth to three children in a marriage with a sick person and rattle off 20 years of marriage?

In the sadomasochistic version of the family, only the victim complains and is unhappy, while the "sadists" have everything in order, as they think. And the injured party is sure that it has become a victim and hostage of a maniac (maniac) and for various reasons "has to endure all this." So, keep in mind: the only time in a person's life when he is objectively dependent and when he can be considered a hostage is childhood and dependence on his parents. This does not last long.

In other cases, being in any relationship is the choice of an adult. Conscious or not so much is another matter. And they should be dealt with.

When I hear stories that we live together “only because of the children”, “there is no money to leave”, “nowhere to live”, I understand that people do not speak or do not know the truth. And the truth is that if a person himself does not need the experiences, the emotions that the partner delivers to him, then he very quickly leaves, runs out, jumps out of the relationship! Once it remains, it means that he feeds on these emotions, it means that among reproaches and aggression, passive and active, he feels like in a familiar swamp, wallows in it and does not pull him to the shore. He generally does not know how to live without a constant stimulus.

During individual work, the psychologist finds out why this is happening. And then a person sees, understands, realizes that he is a neurotic, for one reason or another (yes, hidden in his childhood), experiencing the need for negative experiences, tears, passions and, of course, self-pity. And that only because he does not interrupt the relationship, because they give him all this vampire set plus - minus beatings, and he is habitually unhappy. And then you can work with a person and solve his problems.

Alone.