The Wounded Child Is No Longer Alone

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

When new clients come to me, they look very mature

They know they have problems and want to solve them in an adult way.

They ask: what should I DO?

What can I do to love someone, or to feel the joy of life?

What can I do to stop suffering? How can I change what I don't like?

New clients are usually well-read and good at analyzing.

But their feelings are either impossible to reach - because of decades of honed habit of suppressing their experiences;

Such people usually ask: What will these feelings give me? How will they change my life?

There are also those who come in experiences. You can say they know how to feel.

But, since they come to dramatic moments in their lives - in moments of breakups, crises in relationships, Sometimes they tend, rather, to avoid their feelings. Because at this point in their lives, their feelings are incessant pain. Pain, resentment, guilt, anger at yourself.

………………

We hope to get rid of the pain without affecting it.

We hope to calm down without approaching the source of suffering - the Inner Child.

We consider our vulnerable child part to be guilty of our suffering. And we hope to shut her up forever.

…………………….

The wounded child is crying. From pain, loneliness, longing, inattention to yourself and your needs.

Those who feel, feel - feel their inner child just like that.

The child is waiting to be paid attention to.

When we turn our attention to it.

But we are not listening. We don't know how. Tyrant communicates with the child.

After the Tyrant "communicates" with the Child, we feel guilt, fear, shame and badness.

…. It happens that a person does not feel anything, only experiences tension.

And then I see a very tense child, like a small animal. A small animal should be on the alert all the time so that it is not devoured by a predator.

You need to be on the lookout all the time.

What a joy to life here.

Because if he makes a "mistake" - read, any weakening of control, the Tyrant will flatten him.

This is the most painful thing - to be attacked by your own Tyrant, but in fact, To be subject to self-accusation, self-hatred, self-destruction.

Sometimes - for a minor mistake.

……………………………..

….. You have an inner child, - I say. And he suffers a lot.

“It looks like schizophrenia,” the newcomers honestly respond.

They doubt it. They don't believe.

…………………………

We try to cut our emotional Gordian knots in the same way that the Inner Tyrant works.

We are trying to act with even more self-suppression, self-deception.

We are looking for new rationalizations that could explain our condition to us.

But all this will not help in any way if

The child is crying alone.

…. I try again.

- Imagine a living child crying.

He feels real grief because the child is like that. While he is small, he experiences everything for real, until he discovers that it is dangerous (useless);

Until he learns to defend himself from his own experiences.

Perhaps he lost something dear, or was scared, or was left alone, without a loved one.

How do you feel when you see sincere childhood grief?

….. They are lost. They don't know what to say. Some have no compassion at all, some are only able to feel pity for others: Children. To parents.

Pity and guilt.

We don't know how to deal with ourselves - scared, needy, vulnerable.

We close our pain or demand that other people fill the gap.

…………

It takes a lot of effort - to listen to your injured Child, to let him cry out his grief.

This is what a wounded child usually "says":

… Nobody loves me

Nobody needs me

I was betrayed again

I'm all alone

Nobody ever supported me

…. He feels resentment, disappointment, pain, clings to hopes-illusions.

He is afraid that he will be abandoned, will cease to love.

He tries to be good.

…..

After months of therapy, my clients are very adult, but in fact they are pseudo-adults, or forcedly adult clients.

Find out their baby part.

They finally discover a lonely suffering, injured, lonely Child.

I ask again: If you saw a real, living child who is experiencing the same pain that you are experiencing now, what would you feel?

I can finally hear the words I'm working for:

"I'm sorry…. What happened to you. I understand you. I hear you. You are entitled to your feelings. I accept you"

…. An injured child needs to be released from his senses so that he can share, complain, open up.

To do this, we must have a strong bond with ourselves.

…. Later we learn more and more about our Child: what makes him happy, what frightens him;

Accepted, it unfolds more and more.

Acceptance eases the pressure of the inner Tyrant, so shame, guilt, and fear are weakened.

…………

The Inner Adult Parent accepts and also maintains being imperfect, encourages risk-taking, encourages to appropriate the value of experience ….

……………

You can find yourself in a variety of childhood feelings - resentment, envy, jealousy, desire for revenge …

If you are in a hurry to suppress yourself, or shame, or rationalize, it means…. Hello Tyrant.

None of the above means genuine contact with oneself, and, therefore, will not be of much benefit.

What would a healthy parent say (and an inner one as well)?

- What happened? Why do you want to take revenge? What do you feel? Resentment? What offended you? What was violence for you, violation of boundaries?

You are entitled to your feelings. You can even shout about your anger. You can beat the mattress. As much as you need. I'm near.

…. An injured child needs to be entitled to all the feelings that have been suppressed, and needs to learn to live them to the end. And for this you need to accept yourself by anyone.

Then, when the feeling is reacted, we will connect the analysis, find a projection, establish relationships with past events …

… Then he will let go, the reason will become clear, and the "switchman" in most cases will leave the stage …

A switchman who got into a sore spot, in a wound that he inflicted … father, mother, sister, brother, grandfather, grandmother …

All this - later. First, accepting your feelings. Genuine, compassionate contact with the injured Child.

…. You are learning this…. Gradually. You relax more and more, trust more and more - me, your therapist, and the whole world to boot.

…………………

And now you trust me so much that you can already “show” me the parental transfer….

You lament that I do not always understand you perfectly, that I do not see everything, It bothers you that I forget about you right after the session

You worry that I love other clients more

You are worried that you cannot meet with me in a friendly way …..

Sometimes it seems to you that I am acting unfairly towards you, attacking you, you are afraid of my devaluation …

You try my boundaries and meet with my determination to keep them, but at the same time you remain accepted in your feelings.

This way you overcome your old fear of another person: you understand that he can discuss difficult topics, and defend your psychological territory without rejecting you.

…. After several years of therapy…. I am no longer such a “mother” who shakes you in my arms….

You have grown up, you know how to take care of yourself.

You already allow yourself - to be yourself, to take risks.

You have known the joy of life. She is in your authenticity.

I become your interlocutor, your like-minded person.

I am infinitely glad to our contact - genuine, deep, real.

The wounded child is no longer alone.