2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Author: Olga Nechaeva
One of the vicious circles of our consciousness and society is fear-control-distrust. In a circle, a dead loop. Life gave lessons to generations that way for a thousand, it is very difficult in a different way.
There is absolutely no confidence that the child will grow up and everything is fine with him. That he will hold his head, crawl, sit down, go, get used to the pot, learn to say "thank you", brush his teeth, read, play the violin, ask for a hat, start cleaning the room, pack up a briefcase, remember promises, go to college, will marry a good man, will be able not to ditch his own child …
Since we do not trust, we are afraid. We are afraid that he will be neglected, undeveloped, remaining, dirty, unsuccessful, stupid, unassembled, stupid, and unable to understand people. No, in fact, this is how no one feels, this is the trick of fear, you cannot talk about it, otherwise it ceases to be fear, but becomes stupidity. Therefore, we do not say anything like that, but we are afraid and worried, well, we must instill-educate-teach-force, otherwise … Something is incomprehensible, therefore scary.
To deal with fear, we are in control. We teach to crawl (!), Lead by the handles, we hire masseurs to sit down, developmental speech therapists-therapists-psychologists, circles-sections-teachers-tutors, and total control: have you collected a portfolio? Clean up the room. You need sports. Without a language, nowhere. Do your homework. Wash your hands. Get some sleep. Put on your hat, you're cold.
Children from all this fall into a completely normal human stupor, turning into passive aggression: procrastination, forgetfulness, absent-mindedness, laziness. It is impossible not to fall in when they drive you with a carrot and stick to the bright goals of other people.
We look at them, so lazy, uncollected, absent-minded - and how can you trust them? We, swearing, collect their portfolios, check their diaries, climb into their phones, remind them a hundred times a day …
And the circle is complete.
Closer to adolescence, we discover a new round of fear: it will not grow up. He will remain forgetful, absent-minded, lazy. Therefore, in order to shake this lazy carcass, we go out on the warpath and say: "You sat on your neck. I will not help you anymore. Cope as you want (but have a four in math)." That is, we first discouraged him from any desire and opportunity to love and understand mathematics, replaced it with ourselves, and now we decide to punish him for this by taking away help, let it float out. It is necessary to "accustom" to independence.
And maybe he didn't want to go there at all.
He may no longer know where he wants to swim, because we laughed at his timid "dinosaurs" and sent him to study French and Taekwondo.
Everything is upside down.
This reminds me very much of how we give birth.
First, with maximum control and intervention, spoil and slow down the process as much as possible, and then heroically save the mother and child.
Mistrust, control and refusal to help do not create independent people. They create lonely people.
The smooth transition of the child to independence occurs not due to the refusal of help, but due to the removal of control and the growth of trust.
I remember that I was recently asked why I smile, that my daughter's room is a mess. Because I trust. Not her - she's still a 7-year-old child, although she can already be trusted in many ways. I trust the laws of nature, the logic of growth, development. The same laws, thanks to which I was sure that sooner or later she would start writing in a pot, learn to eat with a spoon, read and fry eggs. And I will be there to help as much as she asks.
After all, in the end, I would like a person to grow up who trusted himself, could control himself and be able to ask for help. And not vice versa.
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