How To Pick Yourself Up From Your Ex

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Author: Elizaveta Musatova

Sometimes it's a damn shame that there is no on / off button for our senses. Experiences and objective reality sometimes live in separate lives. Even the official stamp “Relationship is over” does not mean that it is over.

It happens that the papers were drawn up, and the friends were warned, and they parted, even a new partner appeared. But that relationship lasts - inside. Through the open page of the former on the social network. Comparisons with new relationships. Remaining claims and grievances. Rolling "I wish I could meet again now - what if it works out?" or "I would like to go back and rewrite everything."

The non-accident beckons. Any fantasy can be placed in it, and it will not only accept it, but nourish and strengthen it. Sometimes the best partner for us is not the one who is next to us now, but the one with whom we have not grown together. The best, of course, in theory.

After all, a hypothetical relationship with an ex is like a hypothetical relationship with a movie hero. As long as he lives in your head, and not in your apartment, you can come up with a better fairy tale. Past experience will reinforce her: ah, these warm shared memories, dates, moments of joy! Maybe if we met now, we could have done so that there were more good things and no bad things at all?

It also happens in another way, when in the past there is disappointment, resentment, pain. I would like to either take revenge, or fix it, or rewind time and do something differently. But whether it was Pushkin's "and happiness was so possible" or unlived pain, there is one thing in common: the relationship has not ended, even if reality says otherwise.

Part of us is in the past and cannot go away. She still wants and waits for something, reminds of herself. Together with her, a part of the vitality, energy, attention, resource remained there - they serve the past, not the present. And we continue to live with a broken integrity, a pothole the size of this part.

You can call her back and help her return. There are five big reasons a person gets stuck on the line between a past relationship and life after. For each reason, you can create your own roadmap. She will help you find a way and get yourself back from your former relationship.

I suggest that you set aside twenty minutes in which no one bothers you, grab a notebook and pen, and start right now. They say this is a great time to take a step where it is better.

Reason 1. You have been robbed

You have invested a valuable resource in a partner (time, attention, energy, money, etc.), but the investment did not pay off. Feeling imbalanced, lacking, and unfair to yourself. Part of you is waiting for payments on the deposit. How to pick yourself up:

1. Name the contribution

Remember and list exactly what you invested in a partner. Even if you thought about yourself a hundred times, do it on paper. Look at your contribution and try to find recognition in yourself: “It happened. That's it.

2. Acknowledge that you will not receive the dividend you expected

Ask yourself: What important thing did I expect to get from my investment? Why is this important to me? What could have become possible thanks to my contribution?

3. Yet your investment made sense and is sure to have sprouted

What changes in your partner's life do you think have been due to you and your contribution? What opportunities have opened up? For what can he be grateful to you?

4. Finally, remember a time when your relationship was good

How would those two people feel looking at these changes? What can they tell you?

Reason 2. You should stay

The opposite is true: they have invested in you, you feel like a debtor, but you cannot return the investment. Feel the oppression of debt and imbalance. Part of you wants to pay, but does not understand how to do it. (Hint: most likely it is simply impossible to repay the debt in its pure form). How to pick yourself up:

1. As in the first case, name and acknowledge the contribution

Look at him and try to find the recognition in yourself: “You gave it to me. Now I have it. It's mine. If gratitude comes along with the recognition, say thank you to your partner. If not, try to find inner agreement with the contribution you made.

2. Think about why you want to repay the debt

What exactly is difficult for you? How does having this debt affect your life?

3. Often we cannot return the investment - physically

With money and other material goods, it is still clear how you can pay off. But time? Support? Care? Sometimes the only way to close a debt is to use it for good and joy. How has your partner's contribution influenced your life? What became possible thanks to him? What changes have already been or can the received result lead to?

4. Finally, remember your partner at the time when he made this contribution

How would he feel seeing the result? What would he say or wish for you?

Reason 3. You are injured

You've had a painful experience in a relationship, and that pain does not stop. Part of you remains in what happened and will not leave this place until the pain is lived through. How to pick yourself up:

1. Make the pain visible

Even if you have already said it to yourself many times, say it again - out loud. Talking to yourself is to leave the pain inside. Clogged, it turns out to be much more destructive than if released outside. Give the pain space. This can be, for example, a blank page or the attention of a careful listener who will not discount and give unsolicited advice.

2. We are designed to avoid pain at all costs

But in order for it to resound and pass, it is necessary to get in touch with it and acknowledge it. Try to find a state in yourself from which you can tell her: “I see you. It was . Pay for what needs to be mourned. Burning heals.

3. As the carnal wound heals itself (but faster - thanks to the bandage and iodine), so the mental wound will heal itself (but faster - with your help)

How can you show concern for yourself during the healing period? What will help you recover? What activities fill you with life? Do this as much as you want and can.

4. Finally, consider what will happen when the pain is lived through and leaves you

How do you know about this? What would you like to do when this happens? How can you celebrate healing?

Reason 4. The miracle did not happen

It's about unjustified expectations. Unlike investments, they may not be accompanied by actions, be vague (for example, manifest as “something is wrong, I myself do not know what”) and even unconscious. Sign of unfulfilled expectations: disappointment. The partner failed to match and did not give you something important. Part of you is still waiting and does not want to say goodbye to hope.

How to pick yourself up:

1. Honestly look at your expectations and hear what they have to say

What's important that didn't happen in this relationship? Why is it important? What opportunities didn’t come up because the partner didn’t live up to expectations? What could have changed in your life if he had justified them?

2. Step two. Try to remember when you started waiting and hoping for this important thing

Perhaps even before this relationship - when? Who really should be giving or doing what your partner couldn't? (Hint: no matter how you feel about Grandpa Freud, the most frequent answers are mom, dad and first partner).

3. Can you really get this important only through another person?

The needs that we explicitly or secretly ask our partner to close often go back to childhood. Nobody told them that a person had grown and matured, and now he can do a lot himself. How else can you get it and increase it? What can you do to make this more of your life? What happens when you have more of this?

Reason five. They knocked the earth out from under our feet

Perhaps the loss of relationship was also a loss of support. Together with your partner, what you were sure of, for example, emotional, financial or household support, went away. You can't rely on that anymore. Part of you is not ready to say goodbye and let go of these supports. How to pick yourself up:

1. Restore subjective control

When something that seemed stable and eternal yesterday is taken away from us, we risk returning to the position of a child. He is dependent on the giving adult and cannot influence what is happening. You can move towards the exit from this state in small steps.

What already depends on you today? What can you influence by your actions? It doesn't have to be related to what was lost at first. Just find an area where you can decide to act, and take action. You can, for example, pump the press or take things apart in the closet. Let the actions become larger and more meaningful over time.

2. Why is the lost important to you?

What went away with the supports? Has this been important elsewhere in your life? Where can you find it now? What can be done to increase this?

3. What else can support you?

What is supporting you now or supporting you in the past? What can you do to multiply this?

4. What qualities will help you to find new supports?

How have you shown these qualities in your life? How can they be used now?

“Or maybe enough about the past already? Is it time to live here and now? " - asked a friend when I shared with her the idea of the article. It's time, of course. And in order to live in the present, sometimes you have to make a trip abroad called "The Past". Pick yourself up. To return the left strength, desires, life.

Be careful with yourself on this path: with your past, present, future. To the wounded and healthy parts. To the weak and filled with energy and power. Those who are in the past and are waiting for you to call them back. They will respond. They will return.