Are You Still Not Married? And Why?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Given: the girl is 36 years old, although she looks like a maximum of 28. And that is only because the look is too clever. There are no wrinkles on the skin, except for mimic from smiles. She is engaged in the sale of a special kind of lamps, has made an excellent career in her company, lives in different countries of the world for several months a year. Lives alone, no family. Many, many friends. Lots of fans. But one.

Suffering? No. Is that from the question: "You have not married yet?" She told me this herself recently when she came to visit. This sore question is asked not only by mom, dad and other family members (they have their own quite understandable interests). More often it sounds from people who, it would seem, should not care about this.

- I do not understand why they look at me with such pity? - Opening her eyes with carefully painted eyelashes, she complained on the terrace of the cafe. - As if, I do not know, some alcoholic or a bum in general!

To be honest, I myself was just about to ask my girlfriend this sacramental question. Like, how is it on the personal front, have you met the man of your dreams, are you going to marry him. Carried away, phew!

Conspiracy of the concerned

Indeed: why do people care so much about the marital status of other people? Well, okay, I, I may have a research approach, I will write a note based on the stories of this particular friend about her personal life. But the rest, not psychologists and not writers, well, what cares about the marriage of a neighbor?

On Internet forums, guys complain that the question "has not thought of marrying?" They begin to be tormented by the age of 18. Girls say that at 20 they begin to be viewed as potential old maids. In this context, I remember that when I divorced at 27, the attitude of others towards me really changed.

“You don’t just put these turquoise jewelry on, I know! - jabbing her finger in the air, said an older colleague.

- You are a girl in search! It changes everything!

At that time, in the eyes of others, this meaning was added to all my actions. Even if there was no trace of it. It's not just that you're going on vacation to the beach, but for sure to find yourself a man. And not only to dance, you gathered in the club for a friendly birthday and that is why you look so good, no, no. And you only knew how many people took the most active part in solving my family issue! Almost every married friend of mine had an eminently worthy candidate for me ideally (usually a friend of her husband's). They never looked after me like that, never gave me so much advice.

Let's figure it out

Why is it that families all over the world are so worried that someone else is free?

1. Remember the anecdote: a married unmarried friend calls, tells how she washed and ironed everything, fed all family members, put them to bed, got tired like a dog. And the unmarried one lies in the jacuzzi, drinks champagne with strawberries, listens to music. "But when I think that you are alone there, my heart bleeds!" the married woman says to her. Laughter laughter, but this anecdote fully reflects the stereotypes about marriage and free life. We judge people with clichés. It is generally accepted that a person who has not started a family is unhappy. Well, or at least a little more unhappy than you. That he wants to start a family, but he can't. Let's say in half the cases it is. Many can even broadcast an idea for the sake of society, they say, I would be glad, but it does not work. At the same time, whoever really wants, he creates. He goes to a psychologist, changes his attitudes, his life programs, if this is the problem. And he finds a life partner. But someone wants to be alone, not to share space with anyone, not to be responsible, to decide only for themselves and not be accountable for their plans. This is his idea of happiness.

2. By the way, they also ask each other questions about their personal lives abroad. But it is somehow more tactful, and only those who have the moral right to do so: like close friends, parents, or when you yourself want to talk about it. The nuance is that in our country the concept of personal boundaries has been washed away by decades of Soviet ideas about morality. A family man was considered more trustworthy, and the issue of divorce from a husband or wife could be discussed at a party meeting. “Did you dare to stop loving your spouse? What kind of communist are you? The party looks reproachfully …"

There were no psychologists, to whom to discuss your family troubles, your disheveled feelings? That's right - to the closest friend, girlfriend, colleague. The functions of psychologists - to listen, understand, support, give wise advice - were fulfilled by your environment. And some of them decided to solve your problems for you. To crawl into the soul and personal life of another is in the order of things. Take out your soul and spread it out for a general assessment - but what is it? Let the people say …

3. Family people are more interested in preserving traditions and norms. They have children growing up. To them, these free morals of yours are like a splinter in one place, they scare them a lot. They want their children to grow up to go for a walk at their wedding and to nurse their grandchildren. Especially, which is funny, it worries precisely those who themselves ran for a long time as bachelors and breathed the air of freedom.

4. The most commonplace reason for such questions is self-affirmation. Family in society is one of the basic signals of success. You may not create anything, you may not succeed anywhere, you may not earn millions. But if you were able to start a family, you have already taken place, because this is almost the main task of a person - “be fruitful and multiply”. At the expense of someone who has not yet done this, you can perfectly raise your self-esteem. "I've seen more countries than changed shoes!" - says my friend, quoting some American writer. I should be jealous of her, in theory, right? And I, a married lady on maternity leave, still want to pity her a little. All right, she would sit, miserable, in a Khrushchev without repair, without a career and in an old dress. And then, you know, your eyes are corns with your achievements.

- Do you really want to get married? My husband has a friend, single …

She's mad, and I'm pleased. However, I'm joking, of course. These are all our psychological games, like most married girlfriends have with unmarried ones.

Out of the kindness of soul

All of these reasons take place. But the main thing is that people wish good for each other. A healthy family is really happiness, incomparable with anything. To wish others well is our main instinct.

But here it is important not to overdo it. And then there are those who enter into marriage, just not to walk in single losers, just to get rid of them with these stupid questions. And then we lament that the number of divorces in the country is growing.

Sometimes a person needs loneliness. In order to understand yourself properly, to prepare and mature for a family idyll. And don't rush him. He will decide for himself, not a little one.