Personal Perception Of Relationships Is Changing

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"How? Is it really all that we feel in relation to other people - this is just a projection ?! " - exclaims my recent client.

It took about a year in therapy, and for the first time she took the risk of telling me about who I am, as it seems to her.

Namely - cold, fake, distant…. And I don't want to open at all.

- Which of the women in your family do I look like?

- At least two … Mom and sister. It was dangerous to open up with them…. There were too many grades.

- How do you know that I am exactly like that? You still haven't tried to trust me with your feelings…. I just analyzed.

- I do not know…..

The greatness of the Other is a consequence of not being separated from the parental figure, in whose hands a lot of power remains.

The power to decide if you are worthy of acceptance.

Or the right to act by choosing yourself and your interests.

Or the right to feel.

Or deny the Other if he claims your personal resource.

Or the confidence that you are able to cope …

…. In therapy, this power over oneself is gradually returned and appropriated.

The other ceases to be such a grandiose giver of your freedoms. He takes on "human" features.

…. In therapy, we gain a new resource to endure the complex process called "relationships."

We learn to separate our feelings, projections and expectations from the general coma of what is happening.

Digesting them, we are freed from the fear of the grandeur of the Other - for he is equal, and nothing else.

Taking responsibility for “ours”, we free up the resource to recognize Him.

… At this time the Other, if not in therapy, simply reacts. Based on the resource that he has built up over his entire life. Most of this resource is from what mom and dad gave.

As much as they loved and respected - as much as a resource. And almost nothing - from their own rethinking. What has grown has grown.

We gradually begin to see not only what we ourselves bring in, but also how the partner reacts to it. Than he answers. And to what extent he has enough resources to withstand the complex process called "relationships".

…………

“The veil fell from my eyes. I suddenly saw him not as a cruel despot and tyrant who wounds me, but as an offended child who is in great pain. As soon as I realized this, I stopped depending on his mood."

“I am surprised that I can stand up to his claims. A year ago, I would have immediately disappeared from the relationship. Now I understand that he does not know how to express himself in any other way. I ask him to talk about himself, and not about what I should be"

“I risked getting angry with him and talking about it. He was disappointed…. I was kind of scared that he might leave me. But part of me was triumphant: I did something that I had never dared to before.

The worst thing happened - he was disappointed…. however, I did not die of it. Why? Because I knew it was his process. At the beginning of the relationship, he fell in love with the illusion, not me. How do I know this? He himself said: "You are an ideal woman."

The charm and subsequent disappointment is his personal contribution. I can’t do anything about the fact that he hasn’t learned to see and accept a woman as a whole, and not as separate imaginary properties.”