THE MAIN ABOUT CONFIDENTIAL BEHAVIOR

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Andrey Zlotnikov for TSN

"Am I a trembling creature, or do I have the right?" F. M. Dostoevsky

Seven out of ten calls to me as a psychologist are associated with complaints of their own insecurity. Most often met: it is difficult to say “no”, to establish contact with a stranger, to defend one's point of view, to make a decision, a feeling that others are being exploited, there is no “give-take” balance in a relationship, a feeling of one's own inferiority.

For example, you are talking about a friend - he is a confident person. You definitely put your meaning, content, examples into this. But the acquaintance just seems confident to you. He may have a different opinion of himself. Confident behavior is a combination of the external “seem” and the internal “be”.

He was a man of small stature, thin, frail, ill-built, with a monkey face, with lively, crafty eyes and grips so strange and hilariously funny that it was impossible to see him without laughter or regret; but under this original shell were hidden the gifts of a great genius. He was not a king, but thousands obeyed his orders and were ready to follow him to death. I think you recognized in the description of the commander A. V. Suvorov.

This article is about what to rely on when developing your sense of confidence, how I understand the components of confident behavior and what will help you gain self-sufficiency, become a Kantian “thing in itself”.

1. Aggression

Lie on the stove, chew the rolls. Croak in the swamp and wait for the handsome prince. Live the life of an enchanted princess or prince. So you will die.

Confident behavior requires healthy aggression. You need awakening, recognition that the current life situation or relationship is causing discomfort. You must admit your desire to break the usual course of things and affairs. My friend Lev Romanov (a young writer) wrote about aggression at my request as follows:

Aggression is the name of a failed musical group. This is the name of the dog and the nickname of the mathematician. Aggression is almost an "affect", but with a plus sign.

Aggression as a lifestyle. Synonymous with masculinity and responsibility to oneself for a decision once made. Inflexibility, non-resolution of the Universe to manifest itself at its own speed and with its own priorities. Aggression is a healthy rush of testosterone that is dosed out into space. This is a statement about yourself and asserting your right to a place in the sun. This is a gender characteristic.

It is the energy that forces you to overstep or invade. Essentially, it is synonymous with enthusiasm. It is a springboard from determination to action. The pressure under which the vessel of your doubts bursts and you swallow air with pain. Aggression is a progression. Swift movement: forward and upward. When anything is possible. Either destroy or build. But only today. Instantly. And now.

2. Competence

My first working days were associated with terrible torment. I had to call strangers. My tongue was tangled, I blushed, turned pale, put off, forgot, sabotaged. But day after day, since it was still necessary to call, due to the acquisition of experience and the development of confidence, the fear first diminished, and then disappeared altogether, and the confidence increased. Since then, calling a stranger at the appointed time has not been difficult for me.

Above, I already wrote that there is a front part of the building, which we call confidence. This is what others see. In business training, this is called "soft skills" - easily acquired skills. These include: presentations, sales, communication training. Those. with the growth of competence (knowledge, abilities, skills and experience), your confidence in the performance of work and personal tasks is guaranteed to grow.

3. Personal boundaries

Came home from work. It was a hard day. A lot of meetings, discussions of disputes. The wife was waiting for her husband all day and wanted to share the news. The children were also waiting for dad to play with him. Meeting of spouses, wife - tell me, play, shop, repair. It would seem that a conflict is inevitable. The husband's emotional and physical fatigue will clash with the needs of the household. You can suppress your desires and through force correspond to the role of a husband. But there is a simple solution - to realize your needs and boundaries, agree on the right to rest, and then pay attention to your loved ones. Then attention will be sincere, and playing with children will bring pleasure.

Eric Frank Russell's fantasy story And There Was No One Left provides an excellent illustration of how an entire planet was able to resist invaders using one principle used in the behavior of the inhabitants. This principle read: "No, period." The right to refuse and the willingness to accept it is what allows you to feel the psychological boundaries, your own and that of another person.

Favorite anecdote on the topic:

Martha: - Greta will have a baby. Peter: - And what is it to me, it's her business. Martha: - She says the child is from you. Peter: - It's my business. Martha: - And what should I do now? Peasant: - But this is your business.

4. Values

The psychologist and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl, who survived the Auschwitz concentration camp, repeated after Nietzsche: “Anyone who knows“why”to live will overcome almost any“how”.

Values are what allows us to remain ourselves, so as not to happen around. In the structure of a mature personality, values determine promising strategic life goals and motives of life. The last vivid example of fantastic confidence in oneself, in one's work is Valeria Ilyinichna Novodvorskaya, the Kingdom of Heaven to her. She confronted the crowd, the authorities. She declared her position in spite of it. Her value was freedom and happy people around. She devoted her whole life to this mission.

When a person realizes his values, he just needs to be confident. Fateful decisions are passed through a value filter, and then there is no doubt whether to act or not. Your success and confidence in life depends on understanding and alignment of values, goals, motives.

To realize your life goals and values, I suggest you do an exercise … Record the results and refer back to them from time to time.

So, imagine yourself on the day of your death

How old are you?

Who is there?

What surrounds you?

What are you proud of?

So, to develop self-confidence, you will need:

* healthy aggression in order to act

* time to acquire competence

* "Chalk of fate" to draw the line of their psychological boundaries

* awareness of their values, needs and motives in order to set the vector of movement of aggression