Internal Critic: Who Is He And How To Recognize Him?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Imagine: you made a mistake or did something wrong, a person comes up to you and says: "look at yourself, but you are not capable of anything at all", "do not disgrace yourself anymore, sit and do not stick your head out", "I am ashamed of you ! "," I couldn't figure it out right away? You idiot! " Or like this: you are inspired, dream, plan, and they tell you: "you will not succeed", "you will not cope and will embarrass yourself", "but who are you? Dreaming!", "Well, why do you need this? What stupid ideas ? ".

How do you react to this?

You may be upset and upset. Perhaps you will collapse into an emotional pit and collect yourself piece by piece. Or, on the contrary, rebel and fight back. The reactions may be different, but I am sure that everyone who hears such words will be at least unpleasant, and at the most painful.

When we are insulted, ridiculed, or devalued by other people, we feel bad. To varying degrees, but bad. Especially if it is done by people who are important to us - parents, spouses, friends, leaders. We really don't like it when we are treated like that. And it's okay not to like it! However, here is what a paradox I observe throughout my psychological practice: many of us expect respect, acceptance, love, sympathy from others, and they treat ourselves exactly the opposite. And they say to themselves the same words "you can't cope", "nobody needs you", "look at yourself and shut up", "you are nobody here, an empty place." They say this to themselves for years and decades, without hesitation, automatically and most often without meeting any resistance or protest.

This is how the inner critic lives in a person. And at some point, his voice becomes so familiar that one can no longer hear or notice it, but live in this background mode of self-depreciation and devaluation - to live, being surprised at low self-esteem, lack of desires, fear of action, vague longing and anxiety.

My article - for those who want to deal with their inner critic, and thereby improve the quality of their life.

The inner critic - who is this?

The inner critic is a part of the human psyche, which in a certain way solves the issues of control and evaluation, and a part of a person's personality, which is formed in childhood and is based on his personal childhood experience.

In different psychological directions there is an idea of the controlling and evaluating part of the psyche: the Superego in psychoanalysis, the evaluative part of the self-concept in client-centered psychotherapy, variants of subpersonalities in Assagioli's psychosynthesis or the Controlling Parent in transactional analysis.

A small child can neither control nor evaluate himself. This function is performed for him by adults, and above all by significant adults. And it depends on how adults do it, what will be the inner

critic of a person. You know, there is such a rule: "what you say to a child today, in adulthood he will say to himself."

It is with the words of our important people that the critic sounds inside us - the words of a mother, father, grandmother or grandfather, older brother, teacher or coach. When you recognize your critic, you will even hear the intonations of those people who influenced his formation:

* mom, am I beautiful? - you are ordinary.

* I got a four! - when will there be fives?

* I want … - I want to, will cross.

* this is my table! - there is nothing of yours here.

Of course, monitoring and evaluation in themselves are important and useful functions. But it is also important how they are implemented. For a number of reasons (neurotic ways of interaction transmitted from generation to generation, the level of psychological culture, etc.), the positive side of these functions is often leveled and transformed beyond recognition: control turns into strict supervision, into restriction of freedom and lack of choice, and assessment into devaluating criticism and demeaning curses.

As a result, instead of a person with reliable supports, stable boundaries and adequate self-esteem (which, in fact, should serve as the function of monitoring and evaluation), we see a person who says: "I am very easily hurt, any comment knocks me out of the rut", "any mistake for me it is a failure "," I do not even immediately understand that I was offended "," I am very dependent on praise and someone else's assessment."

Do you like this state of affairs? I don't.

Can we change something in the established and habitual interaction with ourselves? I'm sure we can.

The internal critic is not an external object or subject. This is what lives inside us, which means that this is what we can control in one way or another. For example, we cannot change a capricious and demanding mother-in-law, a rude boss or an accusing and manipulative mother (although many are trying). But we can do our own internal "swearing". Simply because he is a part of us, which means that he is in the zone of our influence. And this, I think, is the main optimism of practical psychology and psychotherapy: a person is able to change. Not always easy, not always fast, sometimes on your own, sometimes with the help of a specialist - in different ways, but capable.

How do you recognize your inner critic?

In order to find a common language with the inner critic and use it for peaceful purposes, it is important to study it and learn to recognize it. This skill will help you keep track of the appearance of an inner critic and respond to it in time. You can recognize your critic by answering four questions: what does he do, what he says when he appears, what do you feel after his "speech".

Question 1. What does the inner critic do?

He accuses, shames, makes excuses, demands, compares with others, humiliates, ignores, insults, mocks, doubts, scares, scolds, crushes

to painful points, negatively evaluates and depreciates. Usually we are dealing with a combination of several actions: accuses, humiliates and makes excuses, devalues and insults, etc.

If you assume that the inner critic is on the warpath, you can ask yourself the question: what is my critic doing now? Or directly about myself: what am I doing with myself now? And if in response you name one of the verbs listed above or similar in meaning, this will be a signal for you that your assumptions are correct, the critic appeared and began to act.

Question 2. What does the inner critic say?

By and large, he tells you that you are not good. This idea of your badness can manifest itself in the usual phrases that a person says to himself daily, or even hourly:

* I'm a bad mother

* I'm a terrible friend

* I'm dumb, I'm a fool

* I'm a loser, I'm a loser

* I am nobody, empty place, worthless creature

* if I wasn't there, everyone would be better

* everything is ashes, everything is useless

* you are the one to blame

* you can't be wrong, a mistake is a failure and a shame

* Stay calm and carry on

* stop whining

* be on your guard, don't relax

* you have to try harder

* you can't refuse others, you always need to help

* i is the last letter in the alphabet

* you must always be nice and polite

* I have to work and achieve success, there is no time to rest

* Nobody asks you whether you want it or not, it is necessary - it means it is necessary!

* everyone around everyone has time, I'm the only one so disorganized

* look at you, you're ugly, who needs you

* I have "sadness", "resentment" (instead of "sadness" and "resentment")

* one must strive for perfection

* I am unworthy

* something will definitely go wrong, do not even hope that everything will be fine

You can go ahead and find your personal inner critic's favorite repertoire. These phrases are some kind of beacons by which it will be easier for you to track the activation of this part of you.

Question 3. What do you feel and want to do as a result of the actions of the inner critic?

The person with whom we did what we described in the first paragraph, and with whom we talked, as in the second paragraph, quite naturally will experience unpleasant emotions: shame, guilt, despair, anger, indignation, doubt, resentment, fatigue, helplessness. These emotions and feelings can appear in the desire to hide and cry, in the willingness to give back, or, on the contrary, in the willingness to endure silently, in procrastination or the desire to begin to deserve recognition with a vengeance. This can be obviously expressed, local in time, the situation:

* made a mistake - scolded herself - rushed to prove that she was the best

* received a refusal - explained to herself that she was simply unworthy - plunged into melancholy.

Or maybe a situation stretched out in time and existing in the background:

* failed - blamed himself and plunged into consideration of his mistakes - as a result, procrastination, a kind of "paralysis" and the inability to start a new one.

Each of us, depending on the temperament and the defense mechanisms developed and refined over the years, will have our own habitual ways of emotionally and behaviorally reacting to our inner critic. And it is important to understand your stable patterns, they will also become beacons and signals that the inner critic has become more active.

Question 4. When does it appear?

The inner critic is always in us, and can appear at any moment. However, there are situations where the likelihood that the critic will come to the fore and begin his "speech" increases. These are the moments when we are vulnerable: we are experiencing a failure or a mistake.

* experiencing rejection or rejection

* starting something new and facing the unknown

* did something and are waiting for a reaction from the outside

* won, won, achieved success and recognition

* we are in a non-resource state (tired, disappointed, sick, etc.)

At these moments, there is a great risk of falling under the rink of an internal critic. This is his fiefdom - to fight the defenseless, play on weak spots and put pressure on pain points.

Respectively, one of the important skills of working with the inner critic - remember, understand and remind yourself at a critical moment: if you feel bad, for example, you are tired and you have no strength, and someone inside you tells you about your guilt, inferiority and insolvency, these are not words of truth and reality, this is all only the words of an inner critic who takes a one-sided and hostile position towards you.

So, in order to learn to recognize your inner critic, it is important:

- study and understand what he usually does;

- listen and catch what he usually says;

- be attentive to your feelings and notice how you usually feel from interacting with a critic;

- remember and remind yourself that the position of the critic does not work for you.

Changing the role of the inner critic in your life and reducing its influence takes a methodical and thoughtful process. What has been forming for decades cannot be changed instantly. Some results can be achieved independently, some - with the help of a psychologist or psychotherapist. And you can start working on changes today.

I suggest homework (attention, see note!):

Listen to what your inner critic is telling you and write down their familiar words and expressions. You will have your own set of marker phrases that accompany you through life. In addition to these, try to grasp at exactly which moments the critic stands up to his full height. Under what circumstances do the phrases you record sound. Thus, you will see your risk areas. And third, listen to yourself and pay attention to your emotions and experiences that arise in these moments.

Pay special attention to the resistance that you will encounter (or, perhaps, have already encountered while reading this article): "if you do not kick me, I will only sleep", "I will fall into self-indulgence, and I do not know where I will be carried", "of course, you have to always be on your guard, there is something unsafe around", "harsh criticism motivates me and forces me to go further", etc. Write these phrases down too. You, of course, already guess who is pronouncing them?

This exercise will take you the first step in working with your critic. Read about other important steps, as well as what strategy of interaction with him to choose and what to do with inner resistance, read in my next article.

And further. Self-observation, if this is a conscious exploration of oneself in a constructive manner, and not meaningless and endless self-examination, is not only beneficial for the future, but is important and useful here and now. Because this is a manifestation of care and respect for oneself, as well as an opportunity to see new perspectives of the familiar - that is, exactly what a harsh inner critic deprives us of.

Note:

Self-practice is suitable for people without mental disorders and in a stable emotional state. Otherwise (acute condition, psychiatric diagnosis) it is better to start work not independently, but with the help of a specialist.