2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Do you come home after a date and immediately feel empty, anxious, bored, and want to see you again right now? Do you want to be together continuously? Only together can you feel calm and feel good? More than anything else, are you afraid of losing your relationship, being alone? Are you anxiously and with bated breath waiting for a response to a sent letter or SMS? You can't find a place for yourself when your beloved (beloved) does not pick up the phone or cannot talk to you? Having fallen in love, you give up all your affairs and are ready to run even to the ends of the world just to be together? Does this relationship repeat itself over and over again? This is LOVE DEPENDENCE!
How to distinguish love from love addiction?
Now this is a very relevant question that both women and men ask themselves. If earlier long-term love addiction was mainly inherent in women, then recently more and more men seek psychological help with such a problem. These are the trends of our time. How often do we hear such phrases: “I cannot live without him / her”, “when he is not around, I cannot find a place for myself”. Looking at this from the outside, a common man in the street could say that this is "great love", although upon closer examination it turns out to be the first manifestations of love addiction.
So what is love addiction and how does it manifest itself?
Love addiction is an emotional state that mostly consists of suffering, a great fear of losing a partner, feeling weak, small, alone and lost without him. This is expressed in a constant desire to control a partner, and from here strong jealousy develops. Often, on a conscious level, a person sees all the shortcomings of his partner, but still continues to desperately need him.
Another characteristic feature of love addiction is the desire to dissolve in a partner, to merge with him, to live his life and his interests. At the same time, their own desires and interests fade into the background or disappear: "I am not interested in anything except him."
As a rule, from a psychological point of view, a love addiction is associated with low self-esteem, self-doubt and fear of loneliness. The differences between love and love addiction are especially pronounced in a situation of a breakdown in a relationship. With love addiction, a person experiences ambivalent (contradictory) feelings, in which there is a lot of jealousy and even hatred.
If, during a love addiction, you ask a person the question: "Would it be easier for you if your partner had not left you, but died?" - with sufficient frankness, we will receive an unambiguous answer: "Yes."
Is this conceivable in love? Of course not! When a person we love leaves us, it is painful and difficult, but at the same time jealousy and hatred do not arise. " True love lets go"(B. Hellinger).
This release is accompanied by sadness and longing, but warm feelings and love remain for the partner. A loving person says: "I wish happiness to the one I love, and if he is better with someone else than with me, I let him go." The famous psychologist and psychotherapist Erich Fromm in his book The Art of Love gave a definition of love: Love is an active interest in the life and development of the object of love.". This definition helps us see how love manifests itself in a relationship.
In love, in contrast to love dependence, each partner feels and realizes his individuality, each sees and takes into account the interests of the other and preserves his space and his interests. In love, we accept our partner with all his characteristics and do not seek to remake him. With love addiction, we do not love a real person, but a fantasy image, which, as a rule, reminds us of someone from childhood. Love addiction is built according to the mechanisms of psychological projections: "if I invented you - become what I want!" A dependent relationship is characterized by constant claims to each other and the desire to remake your partner for yourself so that he meets your expectations. If we talk about love dependence, then partners are in a relationship because they feel bad without each other, if about love, then people strive to be together because they feel good together, but at the same time they calmly experience separation and loneliness.
If we talk about the help of a psychologist with love addiction, then its main tasks are: increasing self-esteem, finding inner resources for self-acceptance, as well as working through childhood experiences, in which the patterns of helplessness and dependence were laid.
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