About "toxic" People And Personal Boundaries

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

For a long time I could not formulate in simple human language, what kind of beast is this - personal boundaries? How to understand that they have been violated and how to protect them? And then a very simple realization came: if what they tell you does not touch you, then everything is ok. But, if someone's words cause you discomfort, uncertainty, guilt, anger, fear, confusion, etc. - then ALARM !!! Your boundaries have been violated, and you urgently need to restore them and your emotional comfort!

A lot is being said about personal boundaries now, and there are, frankly, the cleverest definitions about "inner self", about "the right to one's feelings" and so on.

But now we are interested in these boundaries only in the sense when they are violated by close or not very close people. First of all, it is about manipulation.

Manipulation as a form of communication is common, but, unlike direct aggression, it can take the form of "friendly help", "kindred advice" or dress up in other clothes. Therefore, it can be more difficult to recognize and resist.

People can manipulate either on purpose or unconsciously. And they can be in different "approach - distance" from us. When you have to contact such a person too much, and it becomes very difficult to communicate with him, we call him “toxic”.

It can be:

1. The closest ones ("Why are you dressed like that ?!"
2. Acquaintances - friends - colleagues ("I feel so bad, talk to me!", And the time is one in the morning!)
3. Completely strangers ("Why is your child laughing so loudly ?! Well, calm him down!")

It is quite simple to feel this intrusion into personal psi boundaries: as soon as we begin to experience emotional discomfort when communicating with someone (inconvenience, guilt, irritation, awkwardness, fear, resentment, etc.), it means that our boundaries have been attacked »From the side of the interlocutor, and the psyche lets us know about it.

And situations when it is very difficult to withstand and repel such an "invasion" are very different. Some of my clients find it most difficult to resist friends, some find it difficult to confront strangers, but more often than not, it is difficult to resist those people who are closest: mothers-fathers-children-husbands-wives, etc.

How does this affect the quality of life? Yes, like any manipulation - it's bad! Self-esteem falls. Self-confidence goes somewhere, the mood spoils. You have to sacrifice your interests, give up your desires and time for the sake of others. And at the same time, a dull irritation and resentment towards the whole world gradually grows inside. And where does this merge? That's right, those who cannot fight back: children, safe relatives, subordinates, etc.

Invasion of personal boundaries (read: manipulation), basically, comes from the communicative position "from above" (pressure, advice, remarks) or "from below" (request, tears, flattery, blackmail). Based on this, we choose the defense tactics. At the same time, we remember that when rebuffing the manipulator, one must not aggro or, conversely, make excuses, apologize, or curry favor.

In the event of a "run over from above", if it is impossible to send a border violator away directly and without negative consequences, we build a rebuff in the format: "Thank you for taking care of me (about my reputation, about public order - continue the list yourself), but I myself / but I will decide what to do. " We say this calmly, but firmly.

In the case of the "entrance from below", we learn to say NO, realizing that it was not we who offended the person, but HE OFFENED HIMSELF! And we are NOT RESPONSIBLE for his / her feelings, even though they try to impose it on us.

If, however, we are still persistently trying to impose a feeling of guilt, to refrain from this and keep our boundaries, something like this INNER monologue will help: “Did I have an intention to offend this person? If it was,and I really wanted to offend him, then ok, the goal is achieved! But, if, refusing to him / her, I was not going to offend him / her, and he / she is trying to impose the opposite on me, then here is manipulation, a direct invasion of my boundaries!"

Remember that this is what we say to OURSELVES AND ABOUT OURSELVES.

And out loud we can say, approximately, the following: “You know, I had no intention of offending you. It was not I who offended you, but it was you who were offended / offended. But I cannot make you experience other emotions. This is YOUR OFFENSE, your feeling, and I am not responsible for this. Therefore, I DO NOT ACCEPT your accusations. We say this also, calmly but firmly.

You do not need to memorize this phrase, sharpen it for yourself, practice so that it comes from you, and does not sound like a memorized rhyme. Even if it doesn't work the first time, practice! Like any skill, to become an automatism, it must be trained for 3-4 weeks daily. And then, when it starts to work out, write to me and boast of your successes! J