This Will Never Happen To Me: 15 Signs That You Are Dating An Abuser

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Any of the actions below should make you sound the alarm. In a state of irritation and anger, your partner: comes close to you, touches your face with his hands, pushes you, does not allow you to leave, blocking the path or holding you. Makes verbal threats, such as: "Better not to anger me" or "You do not understand who you contacted."

Many people get the impression that the victims of abuse are simply weak-willed creatures, devoid of self-respect, and who, for this very reason, endure bullying by their partners. Such an opinion is expressed by women who are absolutely sure that nothing like this will definitely ever happen to them.

Unfortunately, not everything is as simple and unambiguous as it seems from the outside, and each of those who now condemn "these strange masochists" can join their ranks at any time. Strong and confident women often fall prey to destructive relationships. The reason is that most of them do not assume how such a relationship will develop. They firmly believe that violence can be recognized at a glance. But this is far from the case.

Violence has many faces. It's easy to understand that your partner is cruel when he hits you. But beatings are by no means the only sign of abuse; moreover, in most cases, beatings do not come at all. And this is the main danger - the victim for a long time simply cannot identify what is happening to him as “cruel treatment”.

Becoming a victim of manipulation, she simply does not understand why such a wonderful, kind and considerate person, like her partner just recently, suddenly begins to show irritation or discontent, and is lost in guessing what she is doing wrong.

You need to know that the beginning of a relationship with an abuser is, as a rule, just a "fairy tale". Finally, you have met “your” person, with whom you feel so good, and you are already anticipating what happiness awaits you ahead. Such a period can last for several months, and sometimes even a year. This is enough for the victim to form a stable emotional dependence on the partner, and she completely confides in him.

And then, out of nowhere, conflict situations suddenly begin to appear, provoked, of course, by the victim. Relationships begin to resemble a "roller coaster" - it is not clear where the violent conflicts and reconciliation come from alternating with periods of former bliss.

These "roller coasters" at the hormonal level create addiction in the victim, similar to drug addiction. And the longer she is in such an environment, the more difficult it is for her to realize that something abnormal is happening. It can be compared to a person caught in a wave of the surf, which twists the victim, taking it under the water. In such waves people drown due to the fact that they lose their orientation in space and do not understand in which direction to swim to the surface.

Gradually, the victim of a destructive relationship breaks down self-esteem and it becomes more and more difficult for her to see that the root of the problem lies not in her. The resulting traumatic bond between the victim and the abuser is very strong, and the longer the relationship lasts, the more difficult it is to break it. In addition, once it has begun, abuse tends to gradually take on more serious forms.

That is why it is so important to know those "bells" that can warn that the person with whom you are planning a serious relationship is prone to abuse.

Signs that should alert you in the behavior of your partner:

1. A pronounced negative attitude towards the former partner

Basically, it's okay to have negative feelings about your ex. But it's all about the degree of this offense. If a person literally from the first dates begins to describe how his “ex” acted unworthily with him, this is a bad symptom.

It’s even worse if his words contain blatant contempt for her. And it's really bad if a man claims that she has falsely accused him of abuse. The fact is that most of the allegations of violence are true.

And if your lover does not hide that he was violent towards his former companion, justifying this with various "good" reasons: her behavior, his own infantilism or the fact that he did it in a state of intoxication, you definitely need to stay away from him.

Notice if he is inclined to accept responsibility for the collapse of a past relationship. If not, you can rest assured that very soon you will be blamed for all the problems in your current relationship.

Also pay attention if your lover says that you are “one in a million”, are completely different from other women and that you are the first who truly understands him. Without noticing it, you will begin to diligently prove to him that you are really not like "others" - and you will find yourself in a trap. After all, very soon you will hear from him that you are "the same as everyone else."

2. Disrespectful attitude towards you

Disrespect is what abuse is based on. Pay attention to how your beloved communicates with you - how he relates to your opinion, whether he is polite. If your opinion means little to him, if he allows himself to be rude or sarcasm in communicating with you, these are clear signs of disrespect.

If he behaves this way, despite your remarks, and especially if he defends such behavior, claiming that you are overly sensitive and "blowing an elephant out of the air", this is a clear sign that very soon you will become a victim abuse.

Another very important point should be noted here - disrespect can also be expressed in the form of idealization. A man can literally idolize you, claiming that you are the perfect woman. But the danger lies in the fact that at the same time the man sees not you, but his fantasy. As soon as he realizes that you cannot correspond to his imaginary image in everything, his attitude towards you will dramatically change for the worse.

Thus, there is almost no difference between a man who speaks down to you and one who idealizes you … Both are incapable of seeing you as a real person, and there is nothing good about that.

3. Imposing help you didn't ask for or a show of generosity that embarrasses you

These actions of your lover may mean that he is trying to make you feel like you owe him something. If you refuse his services, and he still does what he sees fit, but at the same time you feel an invasion of your personal space, this is a bad sign.

4. Control

At first, you may be very pleased that your friend has thought out all the plans in advance for the evening or weekend. But then you notice that he gets annoyed if you don't want to follow these plans in some way. And then you suddenly realize that he doesn't even think about what you want.

At first, the control is not conspicuous. You hear a few comments made in passing about your clothes, makeup, or hairstyle. Then minor claims are added to your relatives or friends, he advises to communicate less with one of them.

Then your beloved begins to insist that you spend more time with him. Later, he strongly recommends that you find another job where they pay more, or, conversely, leave your job. Then he begins to interfere in your life on trifles, dictating what and how best to do. And if he sees that you did not listen to his advice, he starts to get angry. He can also get very worried if he sees that you do not share his tastes in everything. All of the above are clear signs of control.

5. Jealousy

Active display of jealousy is also one of the strongest markers of your partner's tendency to abuse. Your beloved may say: “Forgive me - I'm just going crazy with love for you, that's why I lost my temper when I saw you in the company of your ex. It is simply unbearable for me to see other men next to you!"

He may pester you with calls throughout the day, checking what you are doing, or insist that you need to meet every day. The truth is that he really has strong feelings for you, but they are not based on love, but a sense of possessiveness.

Jealousy and jealous behavior are not the same thing … Deep down, a man may be jealous of you, that's okay. If your lover is insecure, he may feel anxious when you interact with other men.

But jealous behavior is different. If, by his behavior, he forces you to give up the right to choose whom to communicate with - just so that he is not jealous of you, this means that the position of control in relation to you is the norm for him. Remember, you don't have to give him control over your life.

6. He is never guilty of anything

If, when problems arise, a man always looks for the guilty and never admits his mistakes, this very clearly characterizes him. Know that it will not be long before his accusations will be heard more and more in your address.

A partner of such a warehouse also chronically fails to fulfill its promises. He will always find an explanation for why he upset you or was irresponsible. It is likely that over time he will try to live at your expense.

7. He is self-centered

In the early stages of a relationship, the abuser's self-centeredness is not always obvious, but there are symptoms that you should pay attention to. You should be wary if he talks too much and all this talk is mainly about him. Egocentrism generally does not lend itself well to correction. And for people prone to abuse, it has its roots in a deep belief that they have a right to behave this way.

8. He is addicted to drugs or alcohol

Be especially careful if your lover is persuading you to use alcohol or drugs together. Neither alcohol nor drug addiction usually acts as an independent cause of abuse, but they often accompany it.

Your partner may try to convince you that you are the only one who can help him tie. Be aware that it is typical for alcoholics and drug addicts to always be in a state of "I'm about to quit drinking / using drugs."

9. He puts pressure on you to have sex

If your lover ignores your desire not to rush things before moving on to an intimate relationship, and puts pressure on you in this matter, this indicates a tendency to exploit. And exploitation, as a rule, is accompanied by abuse.

This is also a clear sign that a man sees in a woman not a person, but only an object of satisfying his sexual desires.

10. He tries to quickly turn the relationship into a serious channel

Since too many men avoid serious relationships, a woman can be glad that her new lover literally immediately starts talking about starting a family. But be careful - if he too quickly begins to talk about a joint future, not getting to know you better, this may mean that he wants to "get his hands on you" as soon as possible.

Slow down the development of the relationship. If he insists on his own, not showing respect for your position on this issue, problems await you in the future.

11. He behaves in a threatening manner when angry

Bullying is itself a sign of emotional abuse. And there it is not far from physical violence. Any of the actions below should make you sound the alarm.

When irritated and angry, your partner:

The closer your relationship with the bullying man, the harder it will be for you to end it. Unfortunately, many women are unaware of this. They think: "Let's see what happens next: if it gets worse, I'll leave him." But abandoning someone who uses such means of influence is much more difficult than it might seem. Don't expect the worst - leave right away.

12. Existence of a system of double standards

Be wary of men who think that you and his behavior must obey different systems of rules. Basically, this manifests itself in the fact that he is allowed and not allowed for you - for example, raise his voice, express disagreement, etc. Double standards are a hallmark of an abuser partner.

13. His attitude towards women is poor

In the first stage of a relationship, your lover may convince you that he treats you differently than other women, but this difference will not last long. Why would you build a relationship with a man who treats women as second-class beings?

Stereotypical attitudes about the role of women in the family also increase the risk of abuse. If your partner thinks that you should stay at home and not work, or that his job and career is more important than yours, this can cause serious problems. If you refuse to live by his rules, it is quite possible that he will put pressure on you.

14. He treats you differently in the presence of other people

Abusers love to put on a show that is idyllic in your relationship when you are in society. But their attitude changes dramatically when there are no spectators nearby.

15. He is attracted by vulnerability

One of the manifestations of this sign is when a man is attracted to girls who are much younger than him. The reason is that he likes to feel power over a woman. He is looking for a girlfriend who will look at him from the bottom up, and for whom his opinion will be the highest authority.

Other abusers are attracted to traumatized women who have recently suffered some kind of tragedy. Sometimes they start by helping the woman to end her relationship with her former abuser, and then begin to abuse her themselves. Some choose women who are mentally traumatized in childhood, in poor health, or have recently suffered some kind of loss, positioning themselves as a savior.

At the same time, there are abusers who are looking not for vulnerable and helpless women, but, on the contrary, for strong, confident, successful ones. Men of this kind, charming a confident woman, experience the pleasure of hunting for big prey. And even greater pleasure - from the subsequent awareness of power over her.

It is worth noting that none of the above signs, except intimidation, in itself does not give one hundred percent guarantee that a man is an abuser.

What can a woman do to further check?

Your best bet is to choose a strategy like this:

1. At the first sign of unacceptable behavior, make it clear to the man that you will not allow him to behave this way, and that you will end the relationship with him if something like this happens again.

2. If, despite the warning, your lover again behaves abusively, part with him for a while. You should not threaten him with a break, stating that this is the last warning, and then continue to communicate with him. In this case, he will decide that you do not have the courage to fulfill the promise.

3. If he continues to behave in the same way as before or switches to other behavior, which is also an unfavorable signal, it is very likely that he is really prone to violence. You can get into a very difficult situation by continuing this relationship and hoping that your partner's behavior will change in the future.

You also need to know that, starting to show cruelty in a relationship, the abuser is in complete confidence that it is not his attitude towards you that changes, but your behavior.

This is how his consciousness works - he believes that his actions are absolutely justified, and cannot even admit the thought that the problem is in fact in him. He only notices that over time you no longer correspond to his ideas about the ideal woman who is always ready to give and show deep respect to him.

Therefore, if you notice at least some of the above signs in your relationship, take it seriously. Remember that the sooner you break off this relationship, the more chance you have to get out of it without dire consequences. Appreciate yourself and be firm in making your decision for a life free from any form of violence!

* When writing this article, material was used from the book by Lundy Bancroft “Husbands are tyrants. How to Stop Male Violence”.