5 Signs That You Can't Love. Have You Never Loved?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

So, the ability to love is a skill accessible to a highly organized psyche (in other words, a person must have harmony and calmness inside, he took a lot from his life, development and upbringing proceeded in a favorable atmosphere, he was loved enough - only in this case he will be able to love in response and share your emotions, give to the other what he has inside and outside). In general, love is about sharing, caring, showing respect and understanding. It is more to give than to take; accordingly, a healthy psyche is ready for this. If a person has an unhealthy psyche, in a relationship she will demand more, ask, etc.

All the signs listed below can be easily worked out with a psychotherapist, but this requires a fairly long psychotherapy (on average, a year).

You constantly expect certain actions from your partner (for example, you want him to be perfect). Often this expectation is unconscious (rarely anyone admits: “I want my partner to be the most beautiful, the smartest, earn a lot, cherish and cherish me, carry me in his arms”) and manifests itself directly in the relationship itself - the partner does not do something, and you are surprised ("Why don't you do this? You must, we have the same relationship, you love me, prove your love!"). An attempt to force a partner to prove love has absolutely nothing to do with love itself (this means that you do not know how to love and cannot accept a partner as he is, therefore you require some controversial evidence of feelings).

In this situation, there is some idealization and, accordingly, depreciation (these psychological mechanisms always follow one another - for example, a year, two or three people go through the process of idealization, and then depreciation for several years). In general, the mechanism of idealization and devaluation is characteristic of a child aged 3-5 years, when the child sincerely believes in the sanctity of his parents (only they know how to live correctly, what is good and bad, what needs to be done in different situations). In fact, this ensures the child's survival - trusting his parents, he does what he was told, accordingly, he is safe, avoids getting into dangerous situations, etc.

In adulthood, this mechanism has a completely different direction - protection from reality. A person does not want to see reality, so he puts on the mask of idealization on his partner, and lives in his own world. Faced with the real shortcomings of a loved one, he experiences the strongest frustration, tries to manipulate his partner in order to see him the way he wants. As a result, you do not give any opportunity for your partner to be himself, and close relationships, like true love, are simply impossible. The mask of ideality on one of the partners turns the relationship into a dialogue between two sculptures, frozen bodies.

Almost 95% of all relationships develop rapidly - in fact, there is no preliminary contact with a person, you did not recognize him, you quickly plunge into a relationship, trying to satisfy a strong attraction. However, there is no reality in passion, there is reality in love, only by experiencing this feeling can we experience some real difficulties, cope with the real shortcomings of a partner, etc. Passion will not survive all this, and, as a rule, such relationships end quickly.

If there is no preliminary contact, the further development of the relationship has nothing to build on, there will be no foundation, and interest in a partner will quickly fade away (the faster you flow into a relationship, the faster it ends). Sometimes there are options when people quickly join the relationship, and then begin to get to know each other closer, forming some kind of emotional component.

You are uncomfortable around your partner - you are ashamed of him, ashamed of his behavior, afraid to be yourself, worried about seeing condemnation in his eyes. Quite often, such situations are connected with the fact that the partner is a stranger to you - you do not know what is acceptable for him, and then a kind of "crumbling" of yourself as a person begins, a decrease in relations.

Sincere and close relationships always imply some vulnerability in relation to each other (the words of a partner are perceived much more painfully than the attitude of a stranger). This is quite normal, because we enter into a relationship with that part of the soul, which psychologists conventionally call the "inner child." Our inner child is always thin and gentle, sensitive, he has thin skin and weak, thin defenses. Accordingly, it is not difficult for a partner to "step" on a sore spot and hurt a trauma (if our relationship is sincere and close, we always open up to our partner), and here you need to clearly distinguish between situations in which you feel discomfort due to sincerity, because the partner got into the most painful area).

At the beginning of a relationship (for example, the first year), when you open up to your partner, he can still hit sore spots, but this time will still be rosy for you. Starting from the second year of the relationship, when each of the partners sees the second as real, with all the flaws, an invasion of personal space begins, so it is important to pronounce all the grievances (what actions and words were hooked on, why). It is important to understand your trauma, a painful point, then you can easily explain everything to your partner, and he will try to change his behavior in the future so as not to hurt you. However, behavior cannot be changed the first time, often we still end up in the same painful points of a loved one, although we do not want this, for us this is a matter of habit. In this case, you will have to make a lot of effort so as not to perceive painfully such attacks.

A habit is not formed just like that if it is difficult for us to correct it. This means that there was some kind of pain here, too, so all the moments of shame, discomfort and fear next to your partner should be shared. Another important point is that if a person has a lot of trauma, this suggests that his psyche is close to a borderline organization, and then you will not be able to build a spiritual, intimate relationship until you have worked through the main part of your trauma. You will consider all partners unworthy, toxic, narcissists, because they only bring you pain, but in fact the pain is inside you. So deal with your pain first! You can build relationships by dealing with your painful zones, but in this case, you need to clearly separate the actions of your partner, which bring you discomfort, and your own intolerance and intolerance.

You move away from your partner, your thoughts hover far from him. This is typical for counterdependent people who do not know how to enter into relationships, and when entering, they still remain closed in themselves, live separately from a loved one (in their understanding, “we” does not exist, I am and there is my partner). There may be a schizoid model of behavior (in people with a basic defect, but often they simply do not enter into a relationship), and a narcissistic defense.

Often this type of behavior is called a counterdependent behavior model - I am in a relationship and in myself. In fact, this is evidence that a person cannot withstand a relationship, a container of his psyche, emotional stress, tension in a relationship with a partner. The ability to love is there, but it is quite small inside. What to do in this case? Grow your container and enhance your ability to love.

You avoid quarrels with your loved one at any cost (up to the fact that the ax is already in the air, there is so much tension in the relationship). Another option is that in quarrels you strongly pull the blanket over yourself, especially in those moments when you began to express all your complaints to your partner (“Did you hear me? I’m not talking about the cup, but about something else!”). In such situations, the couple does not hear each other, so it is better to immediately establish some rules (“Let's make the timing, for example, 10 minutes. First, you speak about what does not suit you, what you were offended, why you stopped talking to me, and then I ). It is very important to start a conversation with what is wrong in your relationship, and this dialogue can be raised at any time - even if it seems to you that it is a honeymoon now (you can still find something negative, and this is quite normal). If there is no discontent in a relationship, it means that you do not have a relationship either, there is no true intimacy, no real contact with a partner - you just live next to a person, everyone is in himself (there is me, there is him).

When the concept of “we” appears in a couple, conflicts also arise - consciously or unconsciously, each of us must bring something of our own into this “we”, then a quarrel arises, some discontent (Why did you make a greater contribution than me? Why now do we consider your circumstances?). Learn to compromise and be humble in some situations. If you do this consciously and discuss all the moments of life together, it will lead to positive dynamics in the relationship.

If you are quarreling with your partner, and your position in a couple is more conscious, at some point you will have to contain your feelings and emotions, listen to a loved one, try to relive his pain, understand it, sort out your grievances (what caught you, why). Try not only to listen, but also to hear and understand.

The first reaction you may have is fear, shame, guilt. To stop the further development of the conflict, you need to be able to "catch" guilt or shame (fear is less manifested in such cases) and not to succumb to them, not to allow you to completely overwhelm you, but still hear your partner.

A person who knows how to love will be able to push aside his ego, guilt, shame and put his partner first, to hear his needs (“In this dialogue, it is more important for me to hear you; to understand what is happening to you so as not to cause so much pain”). If a person does not know how to love, guilt and shame will overwhelm his consciousness, and as a result, he will not be able to hear a partner, this ability will simply turn off.

Learn to quarrel, relationships do not develop without quarrels - you have not agreed, not together, not in contact. If you notice one or more signs in yourself, do not be alarmed - this is a matter of inner, spiritual and mental growth, which can be compensated for for each person in therapy.