2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Why does the sexual attraction of spouses for each other weaken or even fade away during the period of family life?
More often, women lose their attraction and, in order to avoid sex, they begin to complain of headaches, come up with work that needs to be done until late, etc.
The reasons can be different - from "eating up" to "falling out of love", etc.
However, psychoanalytic sexologists in the course of therapy for married couples identified another reason for the decline in sexual desire - the transfer by the wife to the spouse of the figure of her father.
As a rule, difficulties with obtaining sexual pleasure in a measured family life are experienced by women whose relationship with their father was of an incestuous, sadistic nature, if the figure of the father in the woman's view is associated with rejection, betrayal, and fear of absorption.
At the dating stage, at the beginning of the development of relationships, a woman is interested in falling in love with a man, and therefore she can artificially create bright, emotionally rich sex, as well as simulate orgasms in order to please a man, to impress him. However, when the period of conquest ends and a man appears before a woman in everyday situations, he begins to remind her more and more of her father, with whom fond memories are not always associated.
So, one woman recalled during her analysis how her father got drunk and went to bed with her at night, touched her breasts and external genitals, forced her to take his naked wet penis in his hands.
At that moment, she experienced a mixture of excitement and disgust, she was afraid that she would have to perform a conjugal function for her father, which her mother refused to perform and at the same time turned a blind eye to the fact that her husband went to her daughter's bedroom.
During her own married life, when a woman turned her back in bed to her husband and felt his naked penis resting against her, she was seized with disgust and all sexual desire evaporated.
Sex was easier when a woman resorted to psychological protection: she was intoxicated, went into a fantasy world or dissociated (imagined that this was not happening to her, that she was just watching someone from the sidelines).
It was also difficult for her to look into the eyes of her husband during sex, to call him by name, she preferred to be with her back to him all the time, thus avoiding real intimacy and meeting with reality.
The husband complained about her coldness, detachment and perceived this as rejection. Feeling rejected, he accumulated tension in himself, and then broke down on his wife, which also did not bring harmony to their sex life. Such a husband increasingly reminded the woman of her aggressive father.
At the same time, she also used such a type of protection as projective identification, unconsciously recreating the sadomasochistic model of her parents' relationship. She accused her husband of being aggressive, comparing him to her father, encouraging him to behave in a similar way towards her. Thus, the woman received confirmation of her projection that her husband was as much a monster as her father was. By this she justified the lack of sexual attraction to him. After all, how can you want sex with the enemy?
After an outbreak of aggression, the husband felt guilty and became controllable for his wife, could drink, demonstrating his weakness and defeat. When his wife saw him weak and defeated, she began to feel a sexual upsurge in herself, and it was at such moments that she herself took the initiative in sex.
Thus, in their relationship, the same pattern was fixed and reproduced, a kind of part of the sexual game. But at the same time, true fears and motives continued to remain in the shadows.
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