The Main Enemy On The Path Of Self-love

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Any attempt to love oneself will sooner or later collide nose to nose with the voice of unrecognized subpersonalities - the voice of an inner critic who always grumbles, doubts, blames and looks for shortcomings in everything.

It so happened that we live in an evaluating society - from the first minutes of birth we are evaluated on the Apgar scale, after which there is no way to hide from the gaze and stern comments of parents, doctors, educators, teachers, and coaches. The child has, like a sponge, to absorb all the remarks, reproaches, claims and criticism that sit firmly in the subconscious and continue to sound in the head already in adulthood, affecting self-esteem and quality of life.

After all, a small child cannot control and evaluate himself - this function is performed for him by adults. And the way adults do it depends on what the person's inner critic will be - the parents' voice recorded in the subconscious. Parents could associate the child's desires, needs and dreams with the qualities of his personality. “Good kids” should want, think and dream exclusively about certain things, and if his needs were not included in the list of these things, then he became bad. When the parents did not see the difference between the behavior and personality of the child, he could become completely bad, from head to toe. As in Mayakovsky's verse "What is good and what is bad." Much also depended on how many negative messages the parents conveyed to the child. If there are a lot of them, then the negative has become his main experience of communicating with society and, oddly enough, now he relaxes when he is scolded. After all, in this way he receives information that he is accepted (beaten - it means that he is loved).

The inconsistency of the requirements and attitude of parents to certain things also played a big role. If a child could be punished and not punished for the same situation, he eventually expected to receive punishment for anything. It is difficult to wait for punishment in tension, so it is better to scold yourself in your head properly, just in case. If the parents lashed out at the child for no reason, when they experienced negative emotions, his critic has adapted to willingly turn on when others are in a bad mood. A person seems to feel responsible and thinks that if he punishes himself, then everyone will immediately feel better.

In people with low self-esteem and increased anxiety, the critic performs an adaptive function - when you scold yourself, you perform some kind of ritual that helps you feel comfortable. Because after being scolded in childhood, problems were solved in one way or another, the world became understandable and manageable. After all, being bad is much easier than waiting for no one knows what.

Despite the fact that the critic is always there, it is not easy to catch him. It appears in extremely difficult life situations, when a person is especially vulnerable under the impression of an event and is in dire need of support. When he meets new people, especially authoritative ones; with those with whom there were once troubles or acute sympathy. When a person makes some mistake or says something stupid. In any situation where there is a risk of rejection and denial of love. When others react negatively to a person, criticize, scold, treat unfairly or attack, etc. Here criticism has a place to turn around, he comes out in all his glory, with a malicious smile and start hitting his soft and so tender belly with his dirty boots:

"It's my own fault!"

"You fool, fool!"

“Of course he won't call! Have you seen yourself in the mirror?"

"You won't succeed anyway"

"Lose weight first, and then think about dating"

"You can not"

“What do you mean bad to you? Go to work!"

"You are not capable of anything"

"Jonah! Loshara!"

"I'm ashamed of you"

"Shut up immediately, do not disgrace!"

“Where were your eyes looking? Moron!"

And the person believes him. After all, the critic is so big and strong … Although it is in this situation that you can try to start simply by observing him "from the outside". Listen to what he says and write down his usual words and expressions. With what voice, with what volume, with what intonation does he do it?

Ask him questions, writing down the answer: What does he want to get after all these nasty things that he just dumped? (He, who is so smart, must have some kind of plan … because otherwise he is not so smart, it turns out). What exactly was the person wrong, what he did wrong, and is it really such a terrible tragedy for an adult person who is responsible for his actions? Ask him for advice on what needs to be done in order to be right, loved, smart, etc.

If there is anger towards the critic, you can write him an angry letter. Realize that the inner critic does not have power over a person - he is only a small part of him (albeit still very influential). Like a fox's tail. The tail does not control the fox - she herself decides what to do with him, right up to getting rid of him (though this may cause her charm to suffer greatly).

So a person can make a conscious choice to stop believing a voice that is filled with condemnation, adjust its volume (make it as quiet as possible or switch to a positive wave). Develop a habit of supporting and praising yourself on a daily basis. For every tiny baby step.