2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Again night and again it comes - I cannot live, but I cannot relax either. Life has turned into dark clots of viscous gray fog of hopelessness and despair, from which there is no way out, but there is no dead end either. There is no time and there is no sensation of the body, except for the viscous prickly resin in the chest, which does not allow inhalation to the full chest, filling more and more consciousness …
I cannot get into the whirlpool and let it have already thrown me to the bottom - but no, there is no ground under my feet and there is no end to it. Disturbing short dreams, the transition from disturbing nothingness to conscious gazing into the darkness of the night and not seeing the ceiling, feeling cold sweat and trembling that pierce every cell, every corner of the body. Am I relaxed or not? Maybe I don't want to give up - it won't get better, will it?
How can I reach out to another person and describe that background constant tension, from which there is no salvation for a minute? How to scream for help if everything is filled with a wall from others with a viscous resinous fog?
Is it really all mine - my state, my emotions? Am I doing this to myself? It won't get any easier if I give up - then I will say "no" to my disturbing fantasies, conjectures, gray tales about a bad future - even mentally, but I scream to myself "No!" No! My fear, I will not allow you to make such gloomy predictions of the future! No! There is only this moment "here-and-now"! "Where I am?" "Who am I?"
Why is so much fear overwhelming me now? Tension tenaciously grabs every cell of the body and, slowly and not at least, releases me from its tenacious, viscous gray fingers. And then my assistant turns on - a forgotten inner researcher - he peers at me and with the words "After all, if you put your hands down - it won't get better?" finds a comfortable warm place in my body, it is calm and warm, envelops me with care and reliably protects me from my own fear, which is losing its strength more and more …
My inner protector reminds me - "Well, come on, remember, your psychologist taught you grounding, breathe, concentrate, stretch out your hands to yourself - it won't get any easier if you put your hands down, right?"
And indeed the fog dissipates, something black and prickly grows in the depths, it is getting closer and closer, it takes shape and shape and suddenly turns into pounding anger - oh, that's what was hidden behind the fog! Thoughts jump, jump and suddenly stop at the point of guilt - a sharp phrase as a blade comes - “I couldn't, I couldn't, didn't open up, didn't stand up for myself! Get what you deserve for it! Suffer now! " But the inner assistant on guard - holds tight and does not let go - "after all, if you direct your anger at yourself, it won't get better?"
A ray of warmth fills the dark hollows of the soul with love and the anger dissipates with a screeching noise. If you understand and love yourself, it will be better that way, right? - the inner researcher repeats. And everything calms down and calms down. Morning comes fresh, vigorous with a tasty aftertaste of victory and pride in yourself - “I am loved! I'm good! I can!"
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