Take Off Your Clothes, Lie Down, Since You Came

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In literature, songs, films, the topic of neurotic relationships is popular. For example, Svetlana Loboda's song "To hell with love": according to the plot of the song, a man constantly cheats on a woman, but she continues to have sexual relations with him on demand, since she is emotionally dependent and is in "surrender" mode, she is afraid to be left alone, and therefore tolerates such neglect and devaluation. The video also shows the theme of abuse allegorically.

Neurotic relationships are always based on their own distorted perception of the world and manipulation of a partner.

The topic of manipulators will probably always be popular. Each of us, to one degree or another, resorts to manipulation. People who have manipulation as a lifestyle are popularly called "psychopaths".

In general, the word "psychopath" is a negative assessment of a person. In the professional environment, the term "psychopathy" has long been replaced by personality disorder (borderline, narcissistic, schizoid, etc.).

Personality disorder is characterized by such signs as frequent mood swings with a predominance of dysphoria, fear of intimacy, rejection, depreciation, the desire for risky activities, hobbies outside of which a person experiences boredom, the intensity of the development of relationships, but rapid cooling or addiction, often reduced responsibility to loved ones, transient psychotic episodes (tantrums, suicidal risk, panic attacks, delusional ideas, isolation), diffuse identity, when there is no holistic image of "I", there is no clear idea of one's personality, unstable worldview, attitude to something, constant presence in consciousness contradictions, duality of standards, black-and-white thinking, weak boundaries, when a person does not feel well his own and other people's boundaries, etc.

These features, in the absence of elaboration, are reflected in the nature of interpersonal relationships, which can be mistaken for manipulations.

From my experience of counseling couples where both partners had borderline disorder, their relationship always developed rapidly and violently, accompanied by a strong intensity of emotions, but they could not be with each other for a long time and soon, as a result of a quarrel, they dispersed to different territories. In moments of quarrels, as a rule, one wanted to subjugate the other, to establish control over him, and therefore suicidal blackmail, threats, and simply devaluation could be used. Due to the violation of attachment, it is very difficult for such people to form trusting relationships, and therefore control often seems to them the only effective way to maintain relationships, which, as a rule, are always built in a provocative form in the future. In such a relationship, it is very difficult to maintain stress resistance and stability, they are always unpredictable.

One of the partners more often implements an avoidant model of behavior, turning off his feelings, the other - a dependent one, unnecessarily "sticking" to thoughts about the object of passion.

Such relationships are commonly called neurotic, since the intensity of passion in them and the lack of predictability at the same time greatly neurotic a person, leading to a decline in self-esteem, an increase in anxiety, forcing either to cling to a partner or to leave him.

Manipulation often occurs spontaneously and is the result of frustration, rather than a well-thought-out action. Although it also happens that a person consciously uses a pattern as a method of control, if he is convinced of its effectiveness. So, for example, the girl realized that threats to commit suicide strongly affect her boyfriend, forcing him to stay with her and endure all her antics, or the constant depreciation of others helps her to feel significant.

The dependence on the other, which forces us to remain in toxic and even violent relationships, also stems from a sense of guilt when the victim convinces himself “he loved me so much that he wanted to hang himself, and why did I leave him, who else will love me like that sacrificial love? , also out of fear of loneliness, low self-esteem and inner emptiness.

Many people have a deprived child in need of love and fleeing intimacy for fear of rejection, or vainly seeking to earn this love. And all codependent alliances are built on the hook of our projection as a result of trauma after an unstable depreciating relationship (burned in milk, blowing on water).

Despite a certain percentage of conscious manipulation, many of them remain invisible to the manipulator himself due to distorted perception and past experience of relationships with loved ones, where such behavior was considered the norm.

Even if a person manipulates unconsciously, due to a disturbed personality, this does not mean that there is no need to work through their "blind" zones and strive for constructive interaction. Nobody is obliged to accept us as we are.