2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
It is scary to show yourself.
It is always easier to create a certain image that is so far from my true experiences, feelings, and through it to contact others.
It is safe.
After all, if I come to the Other, presenting myself, my feelings, needs, desires, my vulnerability and need - I can be REJECTED.
"I want you to hug me" - "I'm busy right now."
"I want to spend time with you" - "I have other plans."
"Help me" - "I can't / don't want"
"You are very interesting to me, I want to communicate with you more" - "I have enough of the communication that is."
"I like you - I don't have you"
“I want you to choose me (my desires, needs, expectations)” - “I choose myself (my desires, needs, expectations)”.
"I love you - I do not love you …" …
We rarely talk about ourselves so frankly. And we rarely hear such straightforward answers.
But our imagination draws exactly them, from which you just freeze.
If they answer me that way, how to live with it ?!
I was rejected.
I often hear about the fear of feeling rejected.
Although, in fact, there is no feeling of rejection.
In this place, resentment can arise. All feelings turn inward - my impulse was not met, not supported.
This is what usually happens in relationships.
One partner, feeling rejected, takes offense, withdraws and leaves. Another, for such a reaction, begins to blame. And here, how is it arranged for someone - you can apologize, ask for forgiveness, atone for guilt, you can get angry, from intolerance to feelings of guilt and further increase the distance.
So the dynamics of resentment-guilt is launched, further and further alienating people from themselves and from partners. There is no place for personal manifestations, freedom of choice, true feelings, satisfaction of needs, as a result, there is no intimacy.
It is unbearable for a person to remain in a place where he was not chosen. Especially if there is a strong rejection-value relationship. In the sense that when I am “not chosen”, then I am not important, not needed, not good enough, not interesting, unloved, something is wrong with me, and so on.
Of course, I'm offended. Moreover, if I try so hard to be "some kind" for this person …
It is difficult to separate your Self from the attitude of the Other.
To notice that the choice of another person, especially a close one, is about him, not about me. That he can sincerely love me and just want something else at the moment, experience some of his feelings, have personal, sometimes even opposite needs.
It is hard to believe that distance is not always a rejection, that it is about a specific moment, about now, and not about forever.
We often feel emotions not for the fact of what is happening, but for the meaning that we give it.
Remaining at the point where I want, and the other is not, we can experience pain, sadness, we can get angry. We have every right to experience and express our feelings. Instead of being offended and blaming.
Just like the other person has every right to choose himself and not want something.
It seems to me that the important and connecting thing in this situation is something that we once really lacked from significant adults - reflection and recognition:
I see you.
I hear you.
I admit it.
And this is the case.
Then it becomes possible to notice and retain your value and importance to another. Treat with respect to its manifestations, manifest yourself and accept that in this place, at this moment, in this way, my need will not be satisfied. Without destroying yourself and without destroying the other.
And here there is already an opportunity to choose - to satisfy it yourself, to postpone it in time, to conduct a dialogue about options and opportunities, to negotiate, to go to another place where the need to be satisfied now, etc ….
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