Fear Of Rejection

Video: Fear Of Rejection

Video: Fear Of Rejection
Video: The Rejection Myth: How to Overcome Fear of Rejection 2024, March
Fear Of Rejection
Fear Of Rejection
Anonim

Are you busy tomorrow all the time?”I once asked my psychotherapist. And I soon realized: I often initially assume that others will not have a place, time for me. The fear of rejection is expecting to be rejected and rejected. From this - anxiety, irritation … and rejection of others. The result is a feeling of wretched inner loneliness. However, realizing what is happening to us - we are already on the path to "recovery". Or rather, to the happiness and pleasant lightness of being. For the first time, we know rejection, as a rule, in childhood. After all, initially a child is born to the open world. Only then can he fence himself off - in order to protect himself from the stress that arises from not very pleasant contact with others. Rejection can be direct and subtle. For example, my older sister - as a teenager - openly expressed her unwillingness to communicate with me (I am 8 years younger): "Don't bother, go away!" She was interested in peers, "parties". And me - the youngest - my working parents (as is usually the case) left me with my sister. With a hidden rejection, the child can smile, treat him kindly, but, for example, do not pay attention, transfer the conversation to another topic, ignore his desires and statements. "Don't get involved in adult conversations!" - we often hear. It seems as if for the purpose of education - to teach a child to respect elders - we thereby form in him a feeling of humiliation, resentment, loneliness, low self-esteem. Growing up, children who are systematically rejected become anxious adults. They perceive life situations through the prism of "I will be rejected". Let's say a person is late for an appointment or doesn't pick up the phone. Those who are afraid of rejection will fantasize that people do not want to communicate with him. At the same time, either be very worried, angry, or vice versa - to distance yourself from feelings. Often people do not realize that they initially feel irritated and angry about possible rejection. Often sarcastic, sarcastic people are those who live constantly in fear of being rejected. Malice comes out through sharp remarks. The fear of rejection often blocks many impulses. For example, a guy hesitates to get close to a girl because of the fantasy that she will see ulterior motives in this. And as a result, he will reject him. Although, in fact, the girl, perhaps, would be insanely happy about such an intimacy and with pleasure continued to communicate with the young man. It turns out that people, unconsciously waiting for rejection, drive themselves into their own trap - they block the satisfaction of their own needs. And you, dear readers, have you noticed fantasies about the fear of rejection? At what moments? What exactly were you fantasizing about? Take a pencil. Let's practice. Take a piece of paper and divide it into three columns. In the first one, write the situation. For example, "husband is late for home." In the second (next to) - describe your brightest fantasy associated with this, - for example, "does not want to come to me, does not love me." In the third column, describe the feeling you are experiencing as you subconsciously experience the fantasy. It would be nice to write down from five to ten situations in a row in this way. When the columns are full, re-read everything you wrote. Try to rate all situations, fantasies, and feelings on a scale of ten. Evaluate the strength, intensity, seriousness, significance of this event, experience, fantasy for you. For each entry, write your grade in each column. Now you can track exactly how you react to different situations, how you feel, how seriously you take it, how often you expect rejection, etc. For example, the situation was rated at a "C", and fantasies and feelings about her - at the "eight". Conclusion: you are very worried about generally insignificant events. What trends have you followed? Have you learned something new about yourself? Write your findings on paper.

Waiting for love In fact, a person who is expecting rejection is in dire need of love. He is afraid only to directly declare his needs, ask for attention, affection, tenderness in his address. After all, if he is suddenly rejected in such a defenseless state (openly asking for the most important things), it will be very painful and intolerable for him. Oftentimes, out of fear of rejection, people use indirect, manipulative methods of gaining love, attention, care, and affection from others. Here are some of them: Bribery - In a bribery situation, a person uses a similar manipulation: "I love you more than anything, so you must give up everything for my love." We often hear the phrases "I love you so much, and you …", "Do it for the sake of my love!" It is often women who are manipulated in this way. Thus, they achieve their own - attention to themselves - but only with the only difference that the other person can give it out of a sense of duty, and not out of love. Naturally, he will accumulate irritation, which over time can develop into a conflict. ~ Appeal to pity The person will expose his suffering and helplessness to others. The message here is: "You must love me because I am in great suffering and completely helpless." At the same time, with such weaknesses, he seems to justify his often excessive demands. We often hear: “I’m so tired at work, I am constantly sick, and you don’t even call!”. Or: "How can you say that to a sick person!" In this case, people will most likely only formally fulfill the requirements and show attention. And inside you feel deceived and angry. A call for justice. I raised you, fed you, and what did you give me ?. Often these are phrases of parents "brought up" by the Soviet Union. Such people try to receive love by calling for obligation. Often they try to do as much for others as possible - secretly hoping that in gratitude they will receive whatever they want. They become very frustrated when they learn that those they have tried for do not want to do something in return. Calls for justice can also be implicit. For example, after the husband has left for another, the wife suddenly falls ill. Her illness is - in most cases - a means of unspoken reproach, which, as a rule, makes the ex-husband feel guilty and forces him to pay attention to his wife. Of course, many people do benefit from manipulation. And often such behavior is unconscious. But they can hardly be called happy people, because the love and attention that they so ardently desire and seek, in fact, come through deception.

How to start living differently Without realizing and recognizing that you are afraid of rejection, do not know how to declare directly about your need for love, care, affection, attention, further work on yourself is hardly possible. I suggest that you remember and write down the situations when you resorted to the methods described above. Perhaps they will be a continuation of the situations that you described in the first exercise. Now imagine the most urgent situation for you in which you expect rejection from someone. Try to realize your first fantasies about the future course of events. What will this person do? For example, you need to call someone important to you, but a stranger. What will he answer you in your worst fantasies? The answers to these questions are very important. And most importantly, the most "final", terrible results are important, to which fantasy can lead. Often, from a simple "hang up", you can "fantasize" to "ignore and leave me to die." It is these seemingly strange but significant phrases that reveal the most hidden fear. The second step is to try to separate your fantasy and reality. Think logically: the probability that a stranger, hearing your voice, will hang up the phone is very low. And in your experience, this is unlikely to happen often. Put in one "cell" of your brain your fantasy: "I think so", and in another - the reality: "This is unlikely to happen." Then you can gradually begin to control the situation. In some cases, people immediately remember where these thoughts come from. For example, an incomprehensible picture appears in my head - the mother leaves the crib with the baby. Or closes a crying child (you) in the room. These pictures can be very different. But they are very important. After all, sometime - in childhood - you experienced that very rejection. Mom left, dad left, etc. For a while, but you regarded it as "forever", as a threat to your life. And then, most likely, it really could threaten the life of a small child. Now - no, but the body's reaction mechanism - remains. The realization that the fear of rejection was formed in childhood and "lasts" to this day is also an important discovery. And that he has almost nothing to do with those people from whom you expect rejection now. Often at this stage, people become aware of the difference and begin to share realities. Simply put - to see what it really is - objectively. Closer to the body Sometimes the fear of rejection is due to the fact that in childhood, parents did not provide enough positive emotional and physical contact. This is very important for the child, and the lack of such communication is regarded by him as rejection. If the contacts are mostly negative, the child either closes in on himself (which subsequently threatens the development of harmful addictions, weakness), or rebelles - thereby reacting aggressively and conflictingly to the world (and this is fraught with crime and lawlessness). Lack of positive contacts, ignoring the child often responds (already in adulthood) with isolation from people, fear of communication, bodily touch, deafness or problems in the sexual sphere.

The following exercise will help you identify how you usually interact with people. And how you were contacted as a child. Think about how you spent the last forty-eight hours and who you met. Analyze and evaluate your ability to make and receive contacts. Write down the answers. Who have you contacted with? How did you contact? Is it positive or negative? Have you avoided contact with anyone? Why? Have you wanted contact with anyone? Why? Who exactly contacted you? How did they contact? Is it positive or negative? Have you avoided anyone's desire to contact you? Why? Do you want someone to contact you? Now imagine a scale of need for contacts - on the left of which is complete avoidance of contacts on the right of which is a complete continuous pursuit of contacts. Mentally mark where you position yourself on this scale now? And where would you like to be located? Using the same scale, evaluate the frequency of your contacts, their intensity, and sincerity. Can you make a connection between your current contact style and your childhood experiences? If you cannot remember how and where you were contacted as a child, then the following exercises will help you. Take a piece of paper and colored pencils. Draw the outlines of your body in front and back. Color in red the areas that others touch most often, pink for those that are touched less often, green for rarely, and blue that they never touch. Shade the areas where the contacts are negative with black lines on top. Examine your "contact portrait". Try to re-experience your old feelings. What are they and about what? Do you have a barrier that prevents you from surviving them? You can, of course, understand 100% where your fear of rejection is hidden and change your behavior style on your own, and if necessary, your personal psychologist will help you with this. He will become a skillful guide along the fragile paths of the unconscious. And then, perhaps, you will finally be able to say to your neighbor without fear, "I need your love so much, I want you to take care of Me (take care), your attention is so important to me!" - and get what you want in full!

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