2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The psyche is designed in such a way that often we decide and act based on past experience, without making any attempts to check reality. If a person is in an unpleasant, traumatic situation, then later he may lose the ability to respond flexibly in other similar circumstances.
For example, a young man faced with a girl's refusal to go on a date with him may unconsciously conclude that he is not interesting enough, clever, attractive. Over time, he stops asking other women out for fear of rejection again.
In this world, we interact with each other through our projections. All that is in our inner world, we attribute to the outer world, referring to how significant people behaved with us or how we ourselves would act in a similar situation. “In other words, a person can endow others with the qualities and characteristics that he himself chose for them within himself, but perceives these data as something he received from the external environment” (according to the psychological dictionary).
It is natural for a person to ascribe in advance to the Other what he will say or how he will act. We do not come into contact because of paralyzing fear or shame, and remain in our fantasies, how the Other will react. We are afraid to check reality, we do not ask what a person really thinks about, what he feels, what he wants. Being open and alive, talking about our feelings is scary, because at this moment we are very vulnerable. There is a risk of "getting hurt", experiencing pain when faced with the wrong reaction that you would like to receive.
What is important to remember to make it easier to live through rejection and move on?
1) It is impossible to please everyone … Some people like us the way we are, and some don't. It's sad to realize, but this is the reality. After all, if you think about it, we also do not like everyone and it is important to accept it.
2) Rejection of a specific proposal. Sometimes there is a mismatch of needs, while a specific proposal is rejected, and not the person himself. And then it can be called not rejection, but simply rejection "here and now."
For example: "I love you, but I'm not ready to meet you today, because you will have a lot of people, and I feel uncomfortable in large companies."
Difficulty arises when the traumatic situation has not been lived through, feelings are not realized and not expressed, generalized conclusions are made unconsciously about oneself as unworthy, wrong, fixation appears on this situation and flexibility in subsequent actions disappears. The thought may arise: "Since I was refused, then something is wrong with me." It becomes scary to face another rejection, to experience shame (“I’m not like that”). If the fear of shame is strong, then the person stops taking risks, moving forward, since toxic shame stops the action. Reality is distorted, and in our example, when a man wants to invite a woman he likes on a date, he “sees” in front of him the one who refused many years ago, and not the real woman who is in front of him now. In order to avoid possible rejection, he makes no attempt to invite a new acquaintance. In other words, it is natural for a person to project his past experience onto the Other, to fantasize, building dialogues in his head, and not in reality.
However, only by risking, there is an opportunity to see reality. Of course, you can once again face rejection, or you can try and meet with the desire of the Other person for the same thing that you yourself want. When performing an action, there are at least two options.and with inaction there is not a single chance to approach the Other.
I can assume that no one wants to face rejection, but keeping in mind the fact that you are okay makes it easier to get over the situation. It can be difficult to rely only on yourself, and then you can turn to significant people for support. For example, ask a friend / friend to tell you why they value you and how they see you.
Another important point is allowing yourself to deny other people, say "no" if it is inconvenient, there are no resources to help or desires do not match. When you give yourself the right to be uncomfortable for the Other and take care of yourself, then other people's refusals are perceived in a more natural and less painful way.
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