2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
What is considered rejection in our society? When was the child "forgotten" in the hospital? When a child is told "You are bad"? Yes, absolutely. And what is the name of the message containing the conditional acceptance? … "get an A - let's go to the zoo" or "clean the room - then kiss", or "if you misbehave - I won't talk to you" …, etc. …
What does the parent really want to convey to the child with these messages? Probably, in the parent's picture of the world, this is an upbringing strategy based on the principles of motivation and "growing" a successful person. I will disappoint you. This is the most real rejection, only disguised as "well-meaning behavior." Conditional acceptance - "I love you on condition …" - is the basis for the formation of the so-called driver behavior in a child, when in order to "deserve" love he must give up his real self, because his real one is rejected.
They are not ready to see him slow, making mistakes, showing feelings, taking care of his own interests, staying at rest. And, as a consequence, they form a conditional "ossification" in relation to the child:
1. “I accept you if you follow me everywhere and move at my pace. I reject you when you move at your own pace. I am not able to allow you to move at your pace, because I was never allowed to move at my pace”; (Driver "Hurry");
2. “I accept you when you yourself cope with your feelings and do not force me to contain them. I reject you when you feel those feelings that I am not able to accept and digest, which destroy me. I am not able to allow you to be yourself, because I do not know what it is like to be yourself”(Driver“Be Strong”);
3. “I accept you when you consider my needs and my interests. I reject your needs and your interests. I am not able to allow you to be important for yourself and for me, because I don’t know how it is to be important for myself and for others”(Driver“Make others happy”);
4. “I accept you when you do everything better than others, when the results of your work seem ideal to me, I reject any other categories of results that are not close to ideal in my picture of the world. I am not able to allow you to make mistakes, because in my experience there is no such luxury of allowing myself to make mistakes”(Driver“Be Perfect”);
5. “I accept you when you do something. I reject you in a state of inaction. I am not interested in the result, I am not able to allow you to be inactive, because I cannot maintain contact with myself and do not know how to cope with anxiety in a state of inaction”(Driver“Try”).
I suppose that in order to be able to accept the authenticity of your child, you definitely need to allow yourself to be yourself, to cope with your inner inhibitions and messages that prevent you from feeling important, needed, good enough to receive love and acceptance.
Without such work on himself, in my opinion, your child is doomed to feel rejected and he will have to work hard to get your love that he needs so much.
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