How To Deal With Rejection

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The feeling of rejection is familiar to each of us at all stages of growing up:

- Go away, we won't play with you!

- I'm sorry, but you're not my type …

- Thank you for responding to our vacancy. We will call you back.

When faced with rejection, we may experience such intense pain that it seems as if the mind is clouded, and the earth is slipping from under our feet. And it takes a long time to regain stability and self-confidence.

Sometimes, the pain is so intense that it becomes unbearable. And then she can become covered with anger. Anger is an emotion that allows us to deal with pain. In the end, it can be discharged. That is why people who are faced with rejection or betrayal of people who are significant to them can appear aggressive and vindictive. In fact, there is a lot of suffering behind this anger, which sometimes there is no one to show and there is no one to share with.

Mila returned from a business trip and found her things at the door. The man with whom they lived together for two years said that he had found "his true love" and they should part. A few days later, Mila came to the house and threw a stone at the window of the former young man's apartment, which was on the first floor. Glass to smithereens, Mila in the station.

We are social beings and it is very important for us to feel our belonging to a group, to be accepted by others. Therefore, rejection of even not very close people can unsettle.

If situations of rejection are repeated over and over again, one of the solutions that lie on the surface is to reduce the person's social contacts. This, in turn, increases self-doubt, feelings of loneliness and isolation from others. It turns out a vicious circle. The more a person protects himself from contacts, the less confident he feels in communication. And it is as if there is not enough strength to decide on new contacts. He closes in on himself. Suffers from loneliness and is afraid to go to people.

Alexandra was a shy child as a child. And she preferred the society of books to play with peers. At school, she stayed away from everyone and was never able to make friends. I tried not to pay attention to ridicule from classmates. At the institute, she had a close friend, who in her last year got married and completely switched to the family. Since then, Alexandra has not been able to establish close relations with anyone. She lives alone, doesn't communicate much with anyone at work and almost doesn't go anywhere.

The paradox of the situation lies in the fact that it is not other people who have rejected us that inflict the greatest pain on us, but ourselves. If we begin to blame ourselves for what happened.

- Exaggerate the degree of their responsibility for what happened. Look for what they did wrong and how they deserved a refusal. “This is all because of me.”

- To generalize. "This is always happening to me!" "If it didn't work out with this person, then it won't work with anyone else." If you have had several unsuccessful attempts in your life, this does not mean at all that it will always be so. One has only to remember Thomas Edison or Henry Ford, who faced a lot of unsuccessful attempts before making a breakthrough.

- Play the moment of rejection over and over again, instead of switching to something else. Constantly returning to a painful situation prevents the wound from healing and makes the person very vulnerable to other social contacts.

Mikhail, a middle manager, was fired due to a conflict with senior management. He became depressed and now sits at home playing computer games. When asked by his wife to look for a job, he replies that there are no vacancies in his narrow specialization in Moscow. But is it only about vacancies?..

Instead of finishing yourself even more, it is worth activating all forces for a speedy recovery.

Here are some exercises that can help you regain your calmness and confidence

Stopping the inner critic

The very first thing to do is to stop the process of self-digging and searching for reasons in yourself.

Admit that there was an unpleasant situation in which you suffered damage. This is a reason to empathize with yourself.

- Yes, it turned out unpleasant. It hurts especially because it is so unexpected …

You can cry - this way the pain will go away faster. You can hug yourself or pat yourself on the head.

Bringing back self-esteem

When rejected, the question often pops up: "What if something is wrong with me?" There is a great temptation to devalue yourself by seeing only what can be judged.

This exercise will help you not slide into condemnation and, at least, see that you have qualities for which you can be loved, respected and accepted.

Remember, or better, write down 5 of your qualities that you value in yourself especially highly.

Rank these qualities according to their importance to you.

Describe the two most important qualities in more detail. Why do you value them so much, how they affect your life. What good things have happened in your life thanks to them. Who else appreciates these qualities in you.

Satisfying the need for accessories

As I wrote above, having felt the pain of rejection, a person tries to socially isolate himself so as not to face it again. But this is exactly the case when it is worth knocking out a wedge with a wedge.

To overcome feelings of rejection, you need to seek help and support from others and receive acceptance from them. Social support reminds us that we are not alone and it brings back a sense of community. and with it the courage to show oneself. Consider if there is a group or person in which you are most likely to be accepted? Even in virtual format?

Before seeking support from a specific person, it is important to assess their ability to understand the situation and provide help so as not to get hurt again. An obstacle to communicating with a particular person may be her inability to express her own feelings or a habit of blaming or giving obsessive advice instead of showing empathy.

If there are no people who could share your feelings and be on your side, then you can use your imagination.

Remember some warm moments of communication from your past. When you feel good with other people. You can remember which large groups you are part of. It can be nationality, religion, groups of people with the same hobby, etc. The main thing is to see that rejection in one situation does not make you isolated from the rest of the world.