Compromise And Uncompromising Attitude Towards Oneself - Good Or Bad?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The word "uncompromising" seems to be positively colored. A person leads his own line, is persistent, does not agree to half-measures, brings what he has begun to the end. Or a little bit wrong? Uncompromising - intractable, stubborn, stubborn?

We will not look into the dictionary, but turn to ourselves. Let's remember that in some situations it is really important for us to be uncompromising - for example, in the fight for our own rights, in defending our interests, when we can confidently and clearly state our thoughts and ideas and demand to satisfy, for example, our claim in court. To do this, we can even attract lawyers who will consistently defend the line we have chosen.

And in some situations, we need to be able to compromise - if, for example, we are politicians and diplomats or just family people - and are going to live for a long time with one partner. He wants to go to the theater, and she wants to go to the cinema, he wants to visit, and she wants to stay at home. This is for little things, not to mention something more serious.

And, here, a compromise in relation to yourself - good or bad? About your life plans, your childhood story, your “terrible” or really terrible parents?

One of the most prominent psychoanalysts of the twentieth century, Melanie Klein, wrote about two positions between which we move throughout our lives: paranoid-schizoid and depressive. In the first of them, we, as a rule, are uncompromising in relation to others and ourselves - we think "black and white", we are angry with all our might at our terrible childhood and incomprehensible parents, at our loved ones. Or, on the contrary, we fall into idealization - how wonderful the past was and how exciting and disturbing the future is, how kind our parents were and we, of course, cannot be the same in relation to them.

We needed such a split in infancy, when we needed to save ourselves from destructive feelings and anxiety from the fact that in the world into which we came, nothing is yet clear and scary. Then the mother is "good" or "bad", good or bad. We put all our anxieties and fears in the “evil” one, we console ourselves in the “good” one and hope for the best.

When we are in a depressive, according to Melanie Klein, a more adult and mature position, we achieve an inner understanding, sometimes felt even at the bodily level, that we emerge from black and white thinking into the ocean of life, we begin to perceive it as it really is. We do not need to label objects as “good” or “evil”. We are forced, precisely forced, in order to accept this life, to be sad and grieved that it is this way, it has turned out that way, it passes and someday it will end, and we will not have time to do everything that we would like to do. We will not read all the books, we will not help everyone who needs our help, we will not see all the beautiful places on Earth. Simply because life is short and not painless.

And this can be called a compromise with life - we can never conquer it and subjugate it. She is who she is. This pain and sadness is closer and more understandable to us when we are in a depressive position.

Another sad truth is that we will never become adults completely, but will always swing between these positions. We need our uncompromising attitude when we make plans, decide to do something at all costs, apply our will and efforts. Our ability to compromise is needed, for example, so that we can forgive ourselves for not being able to do something. And so - in a circle, continuing this "swing", moving from one position to another.

And in order to also become wiser in this swing, not to lose strength, but to gain them - come for help to a psychotherapist.