2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
What is the cost of helping? Can help be the enemy?
In short, yes.
This was proved by the American psychotherapist M. Seligman when he discovered learned helplessness … He showed first on dogs, and then on people that unwillingness to change something in his life, passive moods are not innate traits, but acquired habits. His experiments were repeated many times, and the result was repeated.
Learned helplessness is a state in which a person does not make any attempts to change / improve the situation in which he is.
What influences its formation?
⚡ lack of connection between action and effect⚡
it does not matter whether the child received a good mark or a bad one, if the father's mood is bad, it will be bad, so the child forms an attitude “whatever I do, the result does not depend on me”
⚡ the consequences are monotonous⚡
it does not matter whether you fulfilled your obligations or not, parents will still transfer you a set amount for pocket monthly expenses, hello childhood up to 50
⚡ the consequences are volatile and contradictory⚡
at first they decided to reward you at work for a well-done project, and then without anything they decided to reward Tanya as well - she is the owner's daughter … so next time you don't have to try, because the criteria for the award are changeable and vague
⚡the consequences are delayed
the jamb happened today, and the feedback - in a month, because … (think of the reason yourself), in a month such a conversation will no longer have the proper impact and will be just a waste of time)
Answer a few questions honestly:
1. Is it worth solving all the problems that arise for the children, even if they are, for example, 15-20 (because they still have time to be adults)?
2. Is it worth changing / canceling the punishment for children if it is difficult for you emotionally / you are worried that he is experiencing negative feelings / you cannot cope with your emotions about this situation?
3. Is it worth solving all the problems that arise for parents who are 55-60 and have just retired?
4. Is it worth solving all the problems of your subordinates?
So is there any need to help at all?
Yes, but in moderation.
It is better to buy a fishing rod and teach how to fish than to buy a couple of kilograms of fish.
It is better to help your child find their first job with advice, emotional support, rather than being led by the handle and "attached".
It's better to show your subordinate once what you want, and then just stand there and watch.
It is better to know exactly your boundaries of helping loved ones and sometimes say “no”.
Several rules of "prevention":
☄the consequences of actions should be
☄ the consequences of actions should be varied (because we also rarely do the same actions in life)
☄ There should be a short period of time between the action and the effect
☄ the consequences should be clear and not contradictory.
You can read more about research on Wikipedia or watch a video on YouTube
(there is a good link, if you need it - ask in your personal messages about it)
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