Visiting A Fairy Tale

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Friday reading Saturday.

Visiting a fairy tale.

If you are reading this, then your childhood is over. Well, how has it gone, you just do not perceive it as before.

The place where I was happy disappeared forever, it dissolved like an oasis in a desert of mirages, dispersed in my perception, leaving behind a faint reflection of its former greatness. Despite all the difficulties, I was happy there, and it’s strange, I was happy and unhappy at the same time, and I’m probably still in this dynamic interaction. But this happiness from childhood is gradually giving way to a desert that covers my oasis with the sand of indifference. Instead of this oasis, another oasis of adult happiness appears, but this is not the same, this is another oasis that does not repeat the old one. Remembering this long feeling of belonging to the world, which was full of anxiety, I now feel a burning numbness from the transformation of my living part into a stone statue, which I often saw in my childhood near my home. The living becomes inanimate and the living appears from the inanimate, and all this time I feel this warm tingling in my soul, the calcified islands of anxiety have conquered my lungs and do not allow me to breathe deeply now, leaving always a little air from the last breath. This is my treasure, I do not want to breathe it out, fearing to lose this stone in my soul in the sands of the Calcinate Desert.

And now, looking at small children, at their archaic world of primary meanings, at this direct representation of everything hidden in me, I again float away into my world of the first oasis, on this warm summer evening, standing near this stone symbol, I again experience this happiness of being, just to be. Seek and rejoice at everything that you have found, when you still do not know that you are looking for something, simply exploring the space and getting your hands on symbols, instruments of future torture, these little things that later became big meanings. Next to the child I am a child myself, next to him I live with those primary perceptions of the fullness of the world, I just want to absorb this once again in the hope of dispelling the desert that swallowed me up later. How warmly I experience this meeting with my former life, I am so glad of it, I want to feel this warmth again.

This touching meeting brings me closer to myself. It's easy for me to be myself in the present, it's so interesting when you manage to move in time and feel it again. Yes, I think that now I have lost this feeling, as well as lost a part of myself, I have forgotten myself as I was and I know myself as I have become, this is still me, but not me anymore. I am different in another life, in another time, and this is even worse than then. I miss that childhood now, I greedily devour it in small portions, I don't chew, there are no solid parts, it's just mother's milk. You can eat them looking at the children.

So I want to be who I was then and give myself everything that I have now. And this is perhaps possible, or not? I doubt myself now, accepting more and more myself in childhood, so strangely interesting and infinitely in love with life. I like myself more and more and it captures me, carries me into that summer night and fills it with new meanings of being, or just love.

I love you, you hear, I love you, and you definitely felt it then, it was the only thing that you got, and I am not saying this for nothing now, because this is all that I have now.