2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The researchers wanted to observe the couples in their natural environment. Since it was inconvenient to invade the homes of such couples, the researchers solved this problem by constructing a studio room in their laboratory. It was located in the park of the University of Washington in Seattle, it had one room with a kitchen and the necessary furniture. The couples agreed to spend a day there in a mode open for observation. Couples were encouraged to bring food and supplies with them to spend the weekend at home - movies, books, and even work. The condition was to do everything the way they did at home, for 12 hours from 9 am to 9 pm.
What surprised researchers the most was how people did and responded to “trying to make an emotional connection” or trying to sort things out. The researchers ranked these attempts based on the desired level of emotional response. This is how the list looked (from top to bottom):
- Easy to get your partner's attention
- An attempt to interest a partner
- Trying to generate enthusiasm
- The desire to continue the conversation
- Desire to play
- Trying to joke
- Desire for emotional support
- Call for self-disclosure
The researchers noticed that after each such gambit, the partner who receives the offer responds in three ways: “turns to” the partner with enthusiasm; "Turns away" ignoring the comment or question; "Reacts negatively" ("sorry, I'm trying to read").
How couples responded to these emotional suggestions spoke volumes about their future. At first glance, the reaction was insignificant, but the nuances of the behavior were the best predictors of what awaited the pair in the long run. After 6 years, couples in which one partner with intimate feelings answered only 3 out of 10 sentences were already divorced. And those who similarly reacted to 9 out of 10 proposals were still married.
In marriage, these moments of intimacy or neglect create a culture in which relationships flourish or wither. These moments teach feedback and accumulate over time, because each subsequent interaction is superimposed on the previous one. For each person, moments of depreciation and anger, generosity and affection create a feedback loop that makes the overall relationship either more toxic or happier.
Nature is prone to evolution, not revolution. Research in many areas has shown that small shifts can increase our ability to thrive over time. A small shift itself may seem like a small thing, but treat it like a still in a movie. If you change everything in frames, you will get a new film that will be about something completely different.
If our approach to problems is too ambitious (“I need a new career!”) Frustration can be expected. But if we take small steps ("I will have one conversation with a representative of another sphere") the failure will be insignificant. When we know we’re not losing much, our stress levels go down and our confidence rises. There is a feeling “I can handle it”, which will help to do and create more.
There are three areas for small change. You can gradually change beliefs, what psychologists call attitudes, you can change motivation and you can change habits. When you learn to make small changes in one of these directions, you can tune in to deep, lasting changes in the course of our lives.
The article appeared thanks to the book "Emotional Agility" by Susan David
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