Frigidity: How, Why And Why

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

(This is my interview with the popular science portal Naced science)

How to satisfy a woman? Why do women fake orgasms and use their bodies as bait? How is female sexuality different from male sexuality? What does the duration of the relationship depend on? With these questions, we turned to the sexologist, psychoanalyst, specialist of the European Confederation of Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy Lyubov Zayeva.

Who is a frigid woman?

- Frigidity is the same folk horror story as impotence in men. It sounds offensive and frightening. The term "frigidity" was coined at one time by the founder of individual psychology, Alfred Adler. And he understood it as "a woman's inattention to herself," and as "a woman's inattention to a man through herself." Simply put, she is cold towards herself and in sexual relations with a partner. A frigid woman is a woman who does not love, does not hear and does not understand herself. She does not want or does not know how, for some reason, to accept herself as real and is detached, first of all, from her natural sensuality. She can also be cold, because in this way she wants to show a man something, for example, resentment.

The society immediately liked this term Adler, all and sundry began to fit into it some of their ideas about the desired female temperament and sexual behavior. It turned out that a woman did not fit these ideas - that means she was frigid. This concept was quickly filled with a lot of myths. In fact, in general, all topics of sex are very mythologized. A certain opinion-hypothesis arises, and for some reason everyone begins to think that it is so. Then comes the gradual debunking of this myth. As for frigidity, everyone knows the myth that there are supposedly no frigid women, but only lazy men. This is complete nonsense. In fact, there are sexually cold women. There are women who are not interested in sex at all, they would not mind living without it at all. There are women who enjoy sexual activities and sex itself, but they do not experience an orgasm - either because they cannot, or even because they do not want to.

It is worth making a reservation right away: men often believe that the female orgasm is the main thing in sexual contact, and if her orgasm was not, then everything that was, as it were, is not considered and is of poor quality. In addition, when men begin to talk about their partner's frigidity, they often put both their fears and their anger towards the woman into this concept. However, according to numerous studies conducted in different parts of the world, a third of women do not believe that orgasm is the most important thing. This is important, but not the most important. Sex therapists say that of those women who do not experience orgasm, only about 30% have real health problems: some kind of vascular changes, endocrine or gynecological diseases. And 70% of women have a psychological factor.

Let's talk about him

- First, the sexual "temperature" expected by a man of a partner may or may not coincide with a woman's desire to be "fire". She herself wants to be as hot and active as her partner dreams of seeing? A woman may well just enjoy her passive accepting role and contemplation of the partner's activity - sometimes she doesn't need anything else. And this does not mean that she does not feel anything at the same time!

Second, it is necessary to separate the emotional and physical satisfaction of a woman. This is something that men often confuse, and that they often cannot understand: “What are you missing? You have orgasms, you have a lot of sex. And you walk around dissatisfied. " So the woman in this case wants something completely different. For a woman, sex is, first of all, an emotional interaction. So, if, for example, there is no element of play or flirting, a woman may simply be bored. There is an orgasm, but there are not enough emotions, hence the dissatisfaction. A woman may be unhappy with her partner and sex, not because he does something wrong, or because he has something wrong, but because she lacks emotional intensity, a feeling of flight or freedom, or some stage is missed. And this stage can be foreplay. Many men take foreplay rather frivolously, they believe that you can do without it and get down to business right away. Or they perceive it as a set of mechanical actions. For a woman, sensual foreplay is just important, because it is important for her to tune in emotionally - not so much even physiologically. She needs to be relaxed, in a playful good mood, that's all. And a good foreplay often begins even before bed, when the warmth, the intimacy of communication rises. Some women joke: "The best foreplay is a fur coat." If during sex her thinking apparatus is not turned off, her pleasure is doubtful. A woman in bed must completely detach herself from all the roles that she "plays" during the day, she must stop being a manager, accountant, mother, mistress, etc. and be only a feeling woman.

But if everything is normal with the shutdown of the "head" and with excitement, what then? Here it is worth explaining for a start: sex is always a space where all our hidden attitudes, all complexes, unconscious internal scenarios, fixations and psychotrauma are played. That is, what is deeply hidden in life, in the inner world, but exists, will also appear in bed in a kind of "encrypted" form.

For example, sex for one couple can be a real "battlefield", for another - a theatrical performance, for a third - an exam, which must certainly be passed "excellent". And a huge number of people get used to such a seemingly unnatural situation, when the main thing is not sensory interaction, but something else that has nothing to do with emotional and bodily pleasure. And now everything goes as usual, but - for the time being, for the time being. Our body can give us unexpected surprises. What does it mean? And the fact that at a certain moment the sexual energy seems to end - the body says: “Stop. Next, guys, solve your problems with your "exams" and demonstrations of something without me, but I don't need such fake sex. " And then something needs to be changed.

How to do it?

- Any changes begin with the fact that a person must see the problem and understand its essence. Because the first request, which usually happens, is, let's make it look like it used to be: “I went to the exam, got A's, I want to continue to be an excellent student”. And only when this person understands whether it was necessary at all "as it was", he will ask a question - maybe that period ended not by chance, maybe it is worth, finally, to listen to the signals of the body, to understand what it really wants - only then real contact with oneself and others begins. This applies to both women and men.

It is no secret that a woman, for example, can use her sexuality for "economic" purposes - to get a bonus in the form of certain benefits or for a man to stay with her. Simulated orgasm is often aimed precisely at cementing a relationship. After all, there is a stereotype - a man will not leave a sexually hot woman. So the ladies are trying to play the role of a vamp woman, while being fake and only moving away from their naturalness. However, reality shows that this does not always work.

It turns out that many women simply use their body to manipulate a man instead of getting pleasure from this body. Why is this happening?

- This is the tactics of conquering men, and their defensive model of behavior. Sexualization of children, in particular girls, begins very early now. You have to earn admiration in any way. As a result, 5-year-old girls are dyed their eyelashes, taught to be cutesy. Children start to be afraid early on not to be liked. This fear is contained in them by their mothers, who are afraid of their inner loneliness and are imbued with the feeling "I am not good enough - they can leave me, there is such competition around me that I am unable to withstand it, I have to save myself and save my child." A neurotic mother always unconsciously pushes her fears into a child and, through her child, will fight her increased anxiety. There are a great many such mothers. They start worrying very early about whether their daughter has a “groom” in the kindergarten, whether the boys pay attention to their “princess”. That is, they are simply fixed on this. As a result, such a mother grows up a rather strange creature that, from childhood, neurotically tries to keep the boys' interest on herself. They are sure that first bright bows, and then certain stockings and neckline will be enough to find and have a relationship. The "Barbie complex" emerges. Alas, sooner or later, having matured, such a girl will face a very big disappointment: neither outfits, nor even plastic surgery suddenly "do not work." That is, the daughters of such neurotic mothers remain infantile beauties with undeveloped femininity. Because on the way to discovering sexuality there are very important stages when emotionality is involved, and this girl missed them.

A truly sexually "matured" woman is able not only to show herself, but also to feel herself and another person. But in the case of the Barbie complex, a woman only knows how to show, and there is a lot of neurosis behind this. If she, as a drug addict, does not receive her "dose" of admiration, then she may become depressed. Therefore, women who are obsessed with visage, plastic surgery, shopping are often very depressed. As if shouting “I am a bright woman,” such ladies often try to disguise their emotional fading. And a man, interacting with her, unconsciously reads her real inner "picture": inside this pink bouquet there is something unpleasant and cold. And it is difficult, boring, uninteresting for a man to interact with such a woman. Among these Barbies, there are also frigid women, because they have an undeveloped emotional sphere, they have remained "girls at matinees".

Are there any other psychological reasons for frigidity?

- Among other things, a very common reason is trauma, fixation on the expectation of pain and rape. A woman understands with her mind that her partner is beloved, she can adore him, but something in her seems to continue to be in a distant past traumatic situation. By the way, men do not even imagine how large the number of women who have experienced violence is, it is not customary to talk about it. Naturally, girls themselves often provoke an attack by the aggressor - not on purpose. After putting on a short skirt, a woman often wants only attention, but due to her infantilism, she does not always see the connection between actions and possible consequences, does not understand that a certain man is able to consider this as a call to "active action." A woman can "get out" of a situation of sexual coercion with a persistent sense of guilt, fear, and aversion to sex. The very sight of an excited man can remind her every time of a long-standing humiliation situation.

Since we have touched on the topic of aggression, there are a couple more important remarks. It happens that a girl grows up in a family where all her manifestations of emotionality are strictly suppressed, and only rationality is encouraged (the main thing is to study well and be smart). The girl has grown up and begins to show a tendency towards a masculine type of behavior. It is very difficult for her to relax in sex, that is, to accept her passivity and weakness, while remaining active. Another example about the “country of frigid women” is a family where, for example, dad is a sadist. Since childhood, the girl is "squeezed", as if she is always waiting for an attack, she always keeps everything under control. What kind of "good enough" sex or orgasm is there, if the ligament "dad was the aggressor, it was dangerous, all men are like dad, they are aggressors and dangerous." Such a woman in bed does not give herself up to her partner, but as if she is guarding the situation.

In all the examples given, women are cold, because they are "stuck" somewhere in childhood, they are infantile, like children who are interested in the topic of sex, but are afraid of it and do not understand why they need it.

There are many frigid women among believers. There is an opinion that to a lesser extent this applies to the Orthodox. Of course, any religion views sexuality quite strictly, but there are areas where followers especially often experience powerful bodily restraints and prohibitions - for example, Baptists or Adventists, when even sex with a spouse is perceived as something sinful.

Since we started talking about the influence of the family situation on the formation of a girl's sexuality, what other nuances exist in the "dad-daughter" or "stepfather-daughter" couples?

- Often, women who grew up with a stepfather have a rather cool attitude to sex. And here it is necessary to separate the situations when the stepfather actually sexually seduced the child (and there are a lot of such cases) and when the girl incorrectly assessed his attitude towards her. In the second case, everything is much more complicated. Suppose the stepfather really loved the daughter of his woman as if he were his own. But a man who has become a stepfather is always psychologically in a very difficult position. After all, if he loves this child, he touches him. And stepfathers very often have a deep fear somewhere deeply: “Am I not pressing her tightly to me, am I kissing her too hard,” and so on. And then he emotionally, bodily distances himself from the girl to a “safe distance”. The girl can feel this and unconsciously interpret in her own way: "I am unpleasant to him, therefore he does not touch me, I am bad." Such a girl, having matured, may believe that she is not attractive and attractive enough, unpleasant to a man, and therefore does not want sex.

It is important that between the stepfather or father and the girl there is an adequate "temperature" of emotional relations. Not hot, but not cold - warm. They did not stimulate the daughter with love and tenderness - she gets used to the situation of coldness. Over-stimulated - she will either be afraid of sex (here it is, the fear of incest), or will unconsciously desire a repetition of such a great emotional intensity, that is, look for and not find a super-loving dad in partners.

You talked about missing important milestones as a Barbie woman. Are there any other important points for developing a harmonious relationship that both men and women may miss?

- There is a stage that must necessarily be in a relationship and which is often skipped - the platonist. When a person takes pleasure simply from being interested in another person. Then the second stage begins, when a lot of sexual fantasies rush into the soul of a person in relation to the other, when two very much excite each other. That is, preparations are underway for sexual relations, but there are no genital contacts yet. This is a period of eroticism, when two, like camels, accumulate emotional "humps", which they, as a resource, will then use. This period, of course, should not be prolonged, but it is necessary. Then, in the future, when the passion begins to gradually weaken, the memories of “how I wished for it then,” can help and support the attraction. Indeed, in a stable relationship, such as a marital relationship, there are often times when, like the changing seasons, sexual desire can weaken and even disappear. People respect each other, they can have partnerships, but … that's all. And it is precisely the memories of the period of platonism and eroticism that increase the likelihood that this couple will again and again have "spring" after "winter". If two met in a club and immediately quickly jumped into bed, and then expectations begin - for example, for a woman that a long romance will follow, and she will use her sexy man further as a "bait" for this man - as a rule, she remains neither with what. And even if their relationship continues, both will always have the feeling that something is missing, and the passion can subside very quickly.

By the way, today's teenagers do not seem to know about this stage of the relationship. I would even say that this is a definite fault of the adult world, which at all corners "screams" about sex: "Hurry up there!" There are a million sexual greeters of children. Therefore, one of the main sexual myths of modern society is this: if you pretend to be a sexy man, you will be in demand.

Olga Fadeeva

Lyubov Zaeva