Frigidity. What Women Are Silent About

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Frigidity - a decrease in libido, sexual coldness, the inability to experience an orgasm - such a definition of frigidity is given by a psychological guide. According to statistics from doctors and sexologists, this is a fairly common phenomenon

This topic is not accepted and it is inconvenient to discuss with friends. She causes discomfort and the woman feels that she is “not like everyone else”. And in general, in our, such a free society, it is now customary to discuss absolutely everything - gays, pedophilia, sexual techniques, toys, relationships, but not every woman is ready to freely discuss her lack of satisfaction with her sex life and / or orgasm, lack of craving for having sex with a beloved man, treating sexual duties as a duty, lack of pleasant sensations during intimacy, or too short intercourse.

And not all women are ready to discuss this even with their psychotherapist. I see such women by their eyes and facial expressions, by their gait and laughter. Does a woman receive sexual satisfaction at a deep level or not, does she shine, does she experience bliss from sex, does her body say “thanks” to the whole world and her lover after sex with all its state and appearance. I'm talking about that.

So, if a woman is squeezed, arrogant, suspicious, she is pursued by various phobias, she is excessively, obsessively passionate about shopping, work or travel or something else, not seeing anything else, constantly staying with her thoughts either in the past or in the future, then rather in all, she is experiencing sexual problems. Therefore, even when a woman tells her story about herself, without touching on her sex life, according to her life decisions and relationships with others, one can understand how happy she is in her sex life and in her sexual relation to herself. All of our life spheres are interconnected and one certainly affects the other.

- How is frigidity formed?

• How is it reflected on a woman?
• How to recognize in yourself "hidden" frigidity?

Now there are many seminars and literature for women on working with intimate muscles, and how to normalize the sexual sphere, working with the physical body. This is undoubtedly very useful, but this is not the case here. On the psychological aspect of a woman's sex life.

Let's find out - is frigidity only a temporary symptom that occurs in many, or is it a problem caused by mental and / or physical health problems?

For information, along with frigidity in the women observed by doctors - sexologists - psychotherapists, other disorders were found, such as menstruation disorders, irregularity of the cycle, dysmenorrhea, a state of irritability, weakness, tension before menstruation. Again, from the group of healthy women - some have these symptoms, and some do not.

In other cases, this is a negative, conscious or unconscious attitude of a woman towards motherhood. Miscarriages, feeling unwell during pregnancy, weakness of labor, lack of milk, over-anxiety, irritability. Equally healthy women can endure pregnancy and childbirth in completely different ways, and the secret lies in their individual subjective mental characteristics. In relation to the female role, to the male, to men and women. Our body reacts very quickly to our attitudes, the rules that we accept for ourselves.

Unfortunately, many of these previously adopted attitudes go deep into the subconscious and are not realized by us, but we continue to go through life, sincerely believing that we love ourselves as a woman, love men, and generally want and are ready to have a family.

A woman's attitude to the female role and, accordingly, to her own sexuality is formed in childhood, seeing the image of the relationship between father and mother, the girl herself develops an unconscious program of attitude to the female, herself and her role. For example, disappointed in her father - that is, in the male, she unconsciously can follow the program “I will become my own father” - that is, she seeks to give herself everything that she received less in childhood, taking on many male functions, overexerting herself and not giving a chance men to manifest themselves in the male hypostasis in her life. She associates femininity with something weak and vulnerable, she is more comfortable in the position of an Amazon - a strong woman on a horse, destroying men, or the position of a giving mother in relation to a man. In the case of the mother's position, she a priori considers the man to be weaker, more unlucky, and therefore, from a “compassionate” position, she is ready to help him in everything, give, provide, understand. But, of course, this happens again unconsciously and to the detriment of oneself.

Another option is the Helpless Little Flower woman - a woman who seems weak and infantile, subconsciously stimulating in men the desire to take care of her. She deprived herself of her strength and confidence by submitting to the image of an authoritarian, tough man within herself and choosing to be weak, in need of help, as a form of protection. This reaction was chosen perhaps in response to her father's authoritarianism or any overwhelming influence her father or mother had on her. And men who are ready to help Flower Woman are willing to play the role of a strong father for a sweet weak girl. These men act out their childhood traumas, their programs, just like the woman, and are terrified of meeting themselves. True, whole. Meet your inner men and women, fathers and mothers. I gave only some examples of complexes, there are many more of them and they can manifest themselves in different ways, now I do not aim to describe all of them, but only want to show the mechanism of how they work.

So, these very unconscious decisions made in childhood determine a woman's attitude towards herself as a woman.

Probably, it would be more logical to say that a woman had no choice in accepting one or another scheme of action, since being in that very distant childhood in an unconscious state, these decisions were made automatically, schematically. And what is most interesting is that for most people these solutions are similar, although they differ in a bunch of nuances and manifestations. Thinking about this, I imagine a labyrinth with three or four wide exits - roads, and also with a bunch of small branches from each road, intertwining with each other. It is quite difficult to find a way out, if not impossible, because it is easy to get lost and just go to another wide road, getting lost in many small ones. And since wide roads are also intertwined with each other, the labyrinth is practically impassable. The optimal solution would be to simply break the labyrinth, refusing to walk through its expanses. So, it seems to me that in a difficult situation for us in childhood, being an unformed personality, as a rule, with a minimum level of awareness, we enter this labyrinth and follow its ornate paths, developing defense mechanisms in ourselves against that pain, with which we had to face. And our defense mechanisms are similar. We are all the same in this sense. These defense mechanisms have been described by many psychotherapists working in the field of childhood trauma healing.

These labyrinth roads are complexes. The complex of a strong woman, a weak girl, mommy, an Amazon, or a lesbian same-sex love complex - as a decision to refuse to fully interact with men. Sometimes, in the course of life, a woman moves from one complex to another, of course having her own peculiarities of living of these complexes inherent only to her. It may seem to a woman that she has found a solution, changed her model of behavior, but she still walks through the labyrinth of rejection of men, her father, herself, juggling only programs within herself, protections that help to hide from pain for a while.

The good news for us is that we have become adults and can be aware of these processes, programs, decisions made then, in deep childhood and consciously abandon the labyrinth, get out of it, become free and choose, already consciously choose happiness and joy by entering into those relationships that can bring us this. Someone does it on their own, someone resorts to the help of a psychotherapist, but it is vitally necessary to get rid of the labyrinth so as not to walk along the well-worn track, moving within these roads.

And now, knowing all this, the problem of frigidity, as we see, is revealed to us not only in the light of sexology and the internal attitude to sex as such. Frigidity is disunity with your inner man, distrust of him, either hatred or fear. But they are so deeply hidden in the subconscious that they are not realized, but are clearly visible in the sexual sphere. And as a result - the rejection of female roles - mother, mistress, beloved passionate woman, joyful spontaneous nymph - girl. Since a woman does not want to live all these roles for a man and herself, a very strong unconscious resistance arises, resulting in menstrual pain, soreness of the mammary glands, orgasmic sex, bad mood in the morning, pregnancy with unpleasant symptoms, unwillingness to do women's work - to cook, clean up and many many other female unpleasant manifestations. What is the way out of all this?

Accept your female role, understand that the negative disrespectful attitude towards men, most likely confirmed by life and reinforced by the men already met, began in childhood with the decision to protect oneself from parental pain, as a reaction to the observed parental relationships. Consciously reject the formed, durable, ornate labyrinth, prepared by the woman herself at the same time as a protection and as an obstacle. Already the awareness of what kind of labyrinth, what are its features, how it manifests itself in life, what attitude, what reactions, actions - this awareness itself is healing. Understanding how the adopted programs influenced you and manifested themselves, as well as abandoning them, creating a new image of yourself and your relationships, connecting with your inner man and woman and healing them, understanding and forgiving your parents - all this will lead to the perception of sex as divine intercourse, union, contact with oneself.

I am talking here about sex not only in the context of the sexual act itself, but also about the sexual relation to oneself. About the ability to please yourself, to love your uterus, your vagina and be grateful for being a woman. Experimenting in knowing your own body, finding out how you like to be caressed, being able to caress yourself and deliver true pleasure to yourself - that's all that opens a woman to sex.

I know that your partner is not always ready for open, trusting intercourse - when you lovingly look into each other's eyes and are ready to accept each other's pain and pleasure. Perhaps the partner is afraid to enter into intimacy. Yes, it happens. Or you don't have a partner yet. But now you can start the path towards your own sexuality, your own emancipation, openness and acceptance of your female and male parts within yourself. Many books have been written on this topic, and many psychotherapists work in this area, helping to free oneself from protective labyrinths. I think that you just need to enter this path, take the first steps along it, and further new opportunities for accepting oneself, one's own body will open up, relations will be transformed. It is no coincidence that we were born here in a female body, we wanted to experience this experience of softness, femininity, love, orgasm, an amazing ability to create, create a new life, ideas, plans. We are not here by chance in the body of a woman.

And I think it's foolish not to use all the opportunities and joys that our body offers us. We are women and we are strong in this, and I wish us to celebrate our feminine nature and take more and more steps to meet ourselves.

I would like to note that when you start to change, to become aware of old programs and mechanisms of behavior, a protective mechanism - resistance - will certainly turn on. Resistance to new things, changes, better life, actions, inspiration. The purpose of the resistance is to leave us where we were. Unwillingness to work with oneself, apathy, fatigue on the way to one's own transformation is a common thing. It is important to be aware of the resistance and to work with it by accepting and observing it. Or choose a resistance technique that is close to you. There are a lot of them. In any case, if you clearly see the goal - you can do it!