Manipulation Manipulation

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"I'm doing psychology!" Lately, many people are interested in psychology. I often hear: "I am engaged in psychology." To me it sounds something like a person who read a couple of articles on medicine, went to the doctor or had surgery in the clinic, said: "I am engaged in medicine." Or a frequent traveler by air: "I do airplanes." After going to a couple of trainings on personal growth, consulting with psychologists, reading Freud and Jung, many people say: "I do psychology." And this conviction in their psychological competence gives them some kind of internal right to "heal" everyone in a row, and whoever gets to hand.

It is wonderful when a person strives to develop their awareness and decides to undergo their own personal therapy. He comes to the psychologist's office, overwhelmed by his own impotence, he wants to change something in his life and a long path of psychotherapy begins. A person learns that it turns out that he has lived all his life in psychological violence, all his life someone has been manipulating him on a sense of guilt, shame and fear of loss. He begins to understand all this, and a wave of anger grows at those who did it, at those close to him, who criticized, devalued, threatened, intimidated, reproached, shamed, mocked - all these are psychological manipulations based on shame, guilt and fear. The man clutches his head: “My God! How could I allow this ?!"

And everything would be fine: at this point, the trauma is realized and you can take responsibility for living your life this way, but what to do with anger at the manipulators? And such a person, having gone to a psychologist for several months, comes home, where no one knows by spirit or by ear that the rules have changed, that a psychologically advanced family member now “sees everything, knows everything, hears everything and understands everything and can decipher ", and he also brought some disgusting and frightening words from somewhere into the house:" this is manipulation, you are manipulating me "," this is an interpretation "," this is devaluation "," this is a reproach. " The family is shocked! Not otherwise, as a close person got into the "sect". There he was "brainwashed" by the psychologist, and in general it is all the fault of the psychologist, this is all he "manipulates (only because of money) our previously calm and patient family member." And a family member, having picked up, having read the terms "pounding" like from a howitzer, is now on those for whom he suffered. Nobody canceled the offense.

And now the atmosphere in the house is heating up: whatever you tell him, he answers everything in a row: "this is manipulation, do not manipulate me." When it hurts for a long time, then you begin to see the ghosts of this pain everywhere, even where they are not. This is a kind of revenge of the victim to his close circle. And the weapon of reprisal against close manipulators becomes "psychology" - "I am engaged in psychology." But psychology is not about fighting in the ring. Indeed, in fact, when a person says to another: “You are manipulating me,” whether it is deserved or not, this is already manipulation based on feelings of guilt and shame. Such is the manipulation of manipulation.

If you understand that you are being manipulated, or it seems to you that you are being manipulated (after all, it may just seem when you are confused, when you are afraid of something or you don’t like something), try not to accuse you of manipulation in response, but to realize your own feelings in this situation and tell about them to the person to whom they are addressed. Guilt, anger, fear, shame? … But the main problem is that for many people it is higher mathematics to speak the language of feelings, it is easier to be armed with psychological terms, at the slightest discomfort, to "punch" the opponent in response, demonstrating his mind and knowledge in the field of psychology, but in fact having risen above him. After all, when you say, "You are manipulating," you become a great all-seeing eye. And the dialogue does not work, because in response you will hear the natural "I am not manipulating, I just …". All the opponent's energy will be spent on defense and the subsequent throw of a stone into your garden. This sucks the family into a quagmire of manipulation.

After all, you can speak differently if you felt or thought that you were being manipulated. For example, "I hate to hear this, let's stop." Or "I feel annoyed or ashamed or guilty right now, please stop and ask me how I can help now?" Or, if you really feel pressured, then instead of "You are manipulating" just say "No". But your own feelings of guilt and fear prevent you from doing this, and instead of “no” and “stop”, the accusation “you are manipulating” sounds in response.

Why do I emphasize the word “it seemed that they were being manipulated”, because if you have been manipulated many times in your life, then it may seem to you every time you feel guilt and fear that you are being manipulated. The so-called trauma projection mechanism. But these are your feelings and no one is responsible for them, you have them and this is your material for working on yourself.

And how to understand when manipulation is real? Manipulation is always violence that another person exercises over you in order to force you to do as he wants, that is, in order to get some kind of benefit, both material and psychological. And manipulations often look like pressure through reproaches, criticism, intimidation, devaluation, threats, blackmail. The simplest and most obvious formula of manipulation is: "If you are not … then I then …".

Is the dispute a manipulation? Only if, in order to impose their opinion on you, a person resorts to violence in the form of reproaches, criticism, devaluation or intimidation. Behind the goal of imposing an opinion hides the oppressed Ego. But many people perceive any disputes as an attack on their point of view and for them this is already a signal for defense. Long disputes are pointless, it is easier to accept that there are two different opinions and stop. In disputes, people sometimes resort to violence and manipulation in order to gain recognition, to be right, in charge, that is, to gain power. This is one of the intangible goals of the manipulator.

Never say: “You are manipulating” - it is also a manipulation based on guilt and shame, which in most cases will not achieve the goal. There are people who hear only the language of manipulation, it is only possible to speak with them in this language. The main thing in contact is to be aware of Oneself, and not to analyze the Other.