2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Why our needs are not being met and how to deal with it
Who is a healthy person? This is the person who experiences happiness most of his life. This is the person whose needs are met naturally.
All the problems you face in life, from chronic symptoms to unsatisfactory relationships with others, crises and scandals, have to do with how we deal with our needs.
Needs are the universal source of everything in our life.
If everything is so simple, then why are we chronically dissatisfied?
Since the formula is simple, where is our happiness?
The first problem is that we don't know anything about our needs! All we are dealing with is a set of difficulties in communicating with other people and a chronic feeling of hunger.
This problem can be solved in two ways - to contact a therapist to understand yourself and your needs, and to train your awareness. There are many ways to practice this. These are therapeutic groups, and regular asking yourself questions “what is happening to me, what is happening to my body, reactions, images, pictures”, and “Workshop on gestalt therapy” by Fritz Goodman Hefferlin (the experiments described in it can be performed at home independently).
As your awareness grows, you will begin to better understand your needs and thus, you will become clearer where your happiness is.
But this is where the second difficulty arises
You are already aware of your needs, but they are not being met! The question is - what are you doing to make other people know about them?
An important point - other people don't know what you want!
Most of the difficulties in communicating with loved ones, friends and partners are that it seems to you that it goes without saying that you need love, support, care and recognition. But this is not obvious to other people!
The needs that you have in other people can be met naturally, beyond their analysis and beyond the understanding that the need for recognition, for example, is key to our development. They get this recognition without a second thought. And they cannot even imagine that this is a problem for you.
People are different
Therefore, the first way that you need to master after you have realized your need is to place it in contact with other people in a way that they understand. And here the next difficulty arises!
You know about your need, you have already learned to speak about it in an understandable language, but people still do everything not the way you need to.
For example, your husband knows that you need care and attention. And your colleagues know that recognition is important to you. But do they know exactly how you want to get it?
The biggest challenge here is, do you know how you can satisfy your need for recognition? Is the phrase "You're a good fellow" enough for you?
Our loved ones need to be trained
They don't know how to meet your needs. Most likely, you yourself do not know this, so try this: just imagine that your need is satisfied. What's in this picture? How do you feel about what other people are doing? This picture will already contain instructions on what the other person needs to do. And then the question of technology - how to find the language to describe what you represent.
If you imagine that your husband tells you that you are sexy three times a day and that is enough for you, then tell him that way.
But there is one more problem
You know about your needs, you can talk about them, and you even know how you want them to be met, and even get it. But not from those! It may happen that you receive recognition from anyone, but not from whom you want - not from, say, parents, husband, wife, children, but from other people.
Ask yourself a question - is this person able to meet your needs at all? It may happen that this person from whom you expect satisfaction, neither physically nor psychologically, can not give you what you need.
Then it makes sense to think - is it true that this need can be satisfied only by this person? After all, most of our needs can be met in exactly the opposite ways and by very different people.
Experiment!
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