Wrong Touch

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

We are all born in our unique body. And outward, into the world, our largest organ is turned - the skin. With it we feel everything external - wind, rain, heat, cold. Touch. This is exactly what I would like to talk about.

Hugs in our life begin from the first minute of our existence. And if in the earliest childhood they are generally a guarantee of existence and correct development, along with food and sleep, then in later years a lot changes. The growing child begins to reveal his desires and boundaries, therefore he himself can already ask for hugs or refuse them. Or it can't. It is in early childhood that the ability to trust one's feelings is formed (or not formed). And this is very important in the regulation of touch to our body. We all hug. But not with everyone. And not everyone is the same. It depends on the general relationship with the person, and on the current mood, and on the momentary need. Hugs are such a bodily-wordless territory that it can be difficult to determine the line when something is already unacceptable or something else is missing. And so it’s difficult to regulate. As in any other form of relationship, hugs require periodic approach and separation. But what can be a marker that something is wrong with the hugs and they require changes? First of all, simple - pleasant / unpleasant in the process itself. And, of course, the aftertaste. Even if at first it seems that everything is in order, then after a while it can catch up with a nasty feeling of intrusion or exploitation. But it is very important to be able to notice what is unpleasant in specific touches, to be able to put it into words in order to return it to a person. So what can deliver to us. unpleasant experiences in touching? I will try to formulate: - in a conversation, a barely familiar person touches our hand, pulls a button, touches our jewelry, tries to stroke our head;

- they grab us by the hand and try to pull somewhere or push us in the back;

- too long hugs, when we are ready to finish them, and we are held in them;

- too fast jumping out of the embrace, when we would still embrace, and we are already thrown or pushed away;

- convulsive hugs when another person jerks us to him;

- hugging, pulling us by the hair, touching the neck or pulling the label on the sweater near the back of the head;

- embracing us, loudly or in some other way unpleasantly they tell us something in the ear, while continuing to hold physically;

- the other person is pressing too hard in the groin;

- "in a friendly way" put a hand on the buttocks;

- pat on the shoulder or squeeze the hand harder than they would like, and it hurts.

- and so on, and then such touching becomes latent physical violence. It would seem - how is this possible ?! The habit of knowing that physical violence is a blow, or pushing, or hard squeezing, these moments of violation of boundaries are very easy to miss. But they relate precisely to this area - to physical violence, only implicit. Because that is how it is experienced internally. It's only difficult to give oneself the right to these feelings, because one just wants to say that it was fleeting, that it might seem, that is, a great temptation to start gaslighting oneself and, out of uncertainty in what is happening, to release the situation on the brakes. the question of trusting your feelings, the ability to focus on them, and not on external, strangers "as it should be," the ability to put into words what you want to stop. At first, it is unlikely that you will be able to do this quickly. But if you keep an eye on this process, then the speed of reaction will invariably increase and then it will be possible already at the very moment of silent hidden infliction to stop another who crosses our boundaries.