2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
"Human needs human". This hackneyed phrase well reflects one of the most basic (and perhaps the most basic) of human needs - need for contact … Its importance is due to evolution: the human individual is very poorly adapted to survive in the wild alone, and the only way to survive somewhere on the plains of Africa was to gather in groups. And if someone was outside the group (that is, deprived of contact with other people), then he could very quickly die. So the installation was fixed in our brain on the subcortex: if I am alone, I am in danger, it is better for me to be near others.
And if for an adult there is still some probability of continuing to exist alone, then for a child the lack of contact is tantamount to death. And it is in contact with the mother (or another adult) that all other needs of the child - for water, food, safety - are met. Moreover, if a child has both food and water, but there is no one who would take him in his arms and give him contact, then such a child will significantly lag behind in development and may even die. This phenomenon is described under the name "hospitalism".
Well, okay, let's say everything is clear with children, and about human evolution also sounds convincing, but what does the average modern adult have to do with it? We are not hunted by cheetahs, and we are quite successful in obtaining food ourselves? This means that contact is no longer so important to us. Just the opposite! Our body still lives "according to the laws of the jungle", not really understanding that the jungle is stone, and wild animals do not threaten us. Therefore, even in a big city, a person deprived of contact experiences higher anxiety, his immunity decreases, he is more prone to depression and various addictions.
Moreover, by contact I mean precisely the physical presence next to another person and touching him. For our brain, this is a signal that another member of the group accepts us, that we are safe (remember the monkeys scratching each other's backs). And it is impossible to explain to these ancient structures that we communicate with people online - they react to physical touch.
And now we come to the topic of sexualization of these very touches. Because in our culture, non-sexual contact is usually only the touch of a mother to a child. And any form of touching between two adults (especially a man and a woman or two men) immediately implies some obscene coloration.
I see the reason for this in the patriarchy of Western culture and its inherent deliberate masculinity, which denies all these tenderness with hugs and strokes. In addition, Christian morality, which has had a strong influence, prescribes to shun everything fleshly, and generally considers touching indecent. Of course, now this influence has weakened somewhat, but nevertheless it is still quite strong.
What does this lead to? To tactile hunger, when an adult man, for example, not being able to get contact, is forced to turn to aggressive sports or fights in search of it. Women in this sense were a little more fortunate, they are still allowed to hug and touch each other in a friendly way. Men are forced to confine themselves to shaking hands in communication with each other, otherwise they will be considered homosexual. And in communicating with the opposite sex, sex comes to the rescue, in which you can still get such a desired contact, without recognizing this "weakness" in yourself.
And then a paradox arises: it is impossible to understand whether I really want sex now, if sex is my only opportunity to get contact, which is vital for me. In my opinion, this paradox is especially noticeable now, in the era of online dating, most of which is very quickly reduced to sex.
Sexual relationships are really one of the ways to get in touch with another person, to feel closeness and love. It is only when we endow any intimacy with a sexual context that it becomes difficult to obtain it in other ways as well. However, there is nothing more human than the need for contact. And it is worth learning to ask for it and receive it and teach it to your children. I think that this way there would be more happy people.
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