2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
What are psychological boundaries?
The well-known phrase “my freedom ends where the freedom of another begins” will help to briefly answer this question.
Let's take a closer look at what it is.
The simplest and most intelligible examples of border violations for most people is when someone takes someone else's thing or reads someone else's correspondence without permission. To touch another without asking his consent, to give advice that was not asked for, to express an opinion about the lives of other people that was not asked about.
Most likely you have encountered many (if not all) of the situations described above. A border is a line, a limit, it is still possible to reach it, beyond it it is no longer possible. Try to feel it. This conventional line can be different with different people, for example, what is possible for a spouse is not possible for a stranger on the street and, although boundaries in close relationships are more flexible than with strangers, they are there too, without boundaries, relationships are replaced by merging, then it is already incomprehensible where am I, where is the other and there is no contact. Only illusions and their own fantasies about who the other is and what he (a) wants or does not want. Also, different people have different boundaries, what is ok for you, another may not like it and this is important to take into account. By clarifying boundaries, we get to know each other better, get closer and grow together.
In our society, almost everyone who has not specifically worked with this has difficulties with a sense of their boundaries. Since childhood, we have lacked personal space, how many of you have had your own private room since the age of 3? Parents, educators, teachers grossly violated our boundaries, imposed their opinions, took, broke, threw out our things without asking, checked our bags, read intimate diaries and correspondence, decided with whom we should communicate and with whom not. It's good if you can now smile and sincerely say: “It was different for me, as a child I was treated with care, with respect for my boundaries and needs.” Most of our adult fellow citizens will not be able to say that.
There are also more severe situations of border violations, this is violence, physical or sexual. Physical abuse is beating, episodic or regular; unfortunately, many have faced this in childhood. Or not in childhood, being attacked by robbers on the street, school fights and bullying. All this undermines our confidence in ourselves, contact with our body and its needs, destroys boundaries and leads to nightmares, anxiety, fears, the constant feeling "in this world I am not safe."
Sexual assault. Every third woman in our society and some men have faced sexual violence at least once in their lives. This blatant intrusion into personal boundaries causes severe, sometimes unbearable feelings of guilt, shame, helplessness, humiliation, disgust, filth, and a lot of fear. Harassment of strangers in transport, street harassment (this is when unfamiliar men on the street shout obscene words and dubious compliments to a woman), harassment of little girls and boys, teenagers (school teachers, neighbors, stepfathers, relatives, strangers harass), rape itself, all this happens every day in Ukraine. This misfortune does not go around young girls and women of all ages. In a peaceful situation, let alone a war zone.
Both physical and sexual abuse are shock traumas, after which life is divided into "before and after" the event, they leave a deep imprint on the victim's self-awareness. The restoration of the ability to enjoy life, to be happy (s) require a lot of time, regular practice and the help of specialists.
A person whose boundaries were often violated and violated does not feel them and also invades the boundaries of other people. The problem is growing like a snowball!
What to do with all this?
You should start as usual with yourself. Feeling your boundaries and caring for the boundaries of others is a feeling that you can gradually grow inside. And then there is a conscious choice whether to get closer to a person, whether to stay in a specific situation, there is an understanding where there is effort, and where is violence, because often for the sake of a bright goal we force and force ourselves, and what is the result? Pain, emptiness, depression, suffering. Isn't it what you would like?
This path begins with taking care of yourself and the courage to say “I don’t want,” “I won’t,” “I don’t like it so much,” “Stop” to other people, even to parents, even to relatives, even to bosses, not to mention those who are unfamiliar and unfamiliar.
Articles and books can help in something along this path, draw attention to the problem, but the most important and deep work is possible with the help of a specialist. And psychologists work a lot with the topic of boundaries and help clients learn to hear themselves.
When undergoing psychotherapy, there are specific boundaries, at the beginning of work you agree with the therapist about the time and duration of the sessions, their cost, methods of payment, communication with him (or her), about various unforeseen situations (delays, omissions), etc. And this is an important part of the healing process, for many clients this is the first contact, the first relationship with clear boundaries, the first such experience that teaches safe interaction with other people.
You will need patience, time, and then slowly, step by step, you can grow your healthy, flexible boundaries and become happier.
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