Five Self-Esteem Myths You Should Give Up Right Now

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Self-esteem is usually divided into high and low, adequate and inadequate. I am inclined more towards the latter classification, because we can evaluate ourselves on the basis of more or less objective observations. For example, a person may know about himself that he is charismatic and knows how to be at the center of the company, but also understand that he is not punctual and not always honest. If this does not prevent this person from building relationships, feeling confident and achieving success, then his assessment can be safely called adequate. If a person is confident in his coolness, solvency and behaves inappropriately to his social role and achievements, his assessment can be called somewhat distorted. The same applies to unjustifiably low self-esteem, when a person who has achieved a lot belittles and devalues his dignity. His self-esteem in this case is inadequately low.

A lot of trainings, groups and specialists work to change self-esteem. And, unfortunately, such activities often reinforce false beliefs about self-esteem, such as “high self-esteem is narcissism,” “low self-esteem is forever,” “success depends on high self-esteem,” etc. And all this is based on rather outdated ideas.

There are many myths revolving around self-esteem.

The first myth is that there is an overestimated and underestimated self-esteem. High self-esteem is often confused with vanity and narcissism, and is regarded as an extremely negative quality. But is it? If you look at self-esteem as an attitude towards yourself, then high self-esteem implies a positive attitude towards yourself and acceptance of yourself completely and without conditions. This is recognition of their achievements and an adequate perception of their shortcomings. If you think about it, this is what psychotherapy seeks to do. Overestimated self-esteem thus becomes rather a subjective attitude of a person with complexes and self-doubt towards a person with adequate high self-esteem.

As for low self-esteem, then everything is more complicated. Low self-esteem is the reality of our society. Education and subsequent social life are built on criticism, comparison with others, devaluation. This forms in many people an inadequately critical perception of themselves and the corresponding internal dialogues - comparing themselves with other people or self-criticism, devaluation of their advantages and achievements. And, naturally, such self-esteem is perceived as a negative phenomenon. Although, by and large, it is a social norm. And if this does not affect a person's life negatively (yes, it happens), then this is not a negative phenomenon, this is the norm.

The second myth - self-esteem is a stable perception of oneself, it is difficult to change. As I wrote above, self-esteem changes throughout life. It is influenced by society, everyday success, relationships with significant and close people, well-being, in the end. It can change regardless of the efforts and desires of a person, or it can be consciously adjusted when we work on ourselves and get rid of false beliefs about ourselves. The latter are the result of education and sensitivity to the opinion of authoritative people. Yes, the "backbone" is formed in childhood, but an adult is definitely able to think, make decisions about himself and others, and build healthy relationships.

How it works? For example, a man allows himself to be a little more emotional than is customary in his environment - he may regularly face criticism or even just mocking glances, which will create discomfort inside and affect mood, self-confidence and fantasies about what they think and others feel. Self-esteem will go down. If this man shares his achievements and ambitions in this environment, he will be supported. He will feel like a part of the company, accepted and understood. Naturally, it boosts self-esteem.

Myth three: high self-esteem and self-confidence are one and the same. It would seem that everything is obvious. We are used to seeing insecure people as people with low self-esteem. However, self-doubt implies, first of all, an unstable attitude towards oneself. In an insecure person, self-esteem can fluctuate. Depending on the environment and circumstances, a person may feel great in one situation and fall off their horse in another.

There is also a feedback - a person with high self-esteem can sometimes be insecure. For example, in stressful situations or when you need to make sudden decisions. Because it is perfectly normal in certain circumstances to doubt yourself. Therefore, equating low or high self-esteem with self-confidence or lack of it is not worth it.

Fourth myth; if people nearby will understand and support the person, self-esteem will increase. There is a rational grain in this, but our needs belong only to us. If a person wants to feel better around others, first of all he should be attentive to his needs and desires, boundaries and relationships. After all, the most important person in your life is yourself. And the most important relationship is the relationship with yourself. Dissatisfaction affects life much more than it seems. It affects relationships with others - we broadcast it in communication, and often people react to the “paint” that a person is painted with. People do not have the opportunity to treat us the way we would like, if we are constantly unhappy with everything, do not respect ourselves. Indeed, in order for others to increase self-esteem for a person, he must first of all learn to take care of himself. And the next step is to share your positive experiences with others. This will allow other people to validate and support our successes. And this strengthens the positive image of I inside.

The fifth myth is that people with low self-esteem are rarely selfish. Here I would like to make two amendments: firstly, there is nothing wrong with healthy egoism, and secondly, people with low self-esteem often have not entirely healthy egoism. Why is that? If the assessment of others is extremely important for a person, he doubts his "okay" and requires confirmation of it from others - his thoughts and communication revolve around this. People with low self-esteem often fixate on their shortcomings, problems, look for a refutation of their complexes, or, on the contrary, confirmation of them in words, views or even gestures of others. It is this that is perceived as unhealthy egoism, as if the people around should convince the other in his complexes. The happier a person is, the less he fixates on himself and demands this from others. He is in harmony with himself and those around him and is equally capable of giving others acceptance and taking attention from those around him.

Based on these five myths, self-worth is something like a mood or a feeling of well-being. We can influence our self-esteem by choosing our surroundings, listening to ourselves and our needs, listening to positive signs of attention from those around us. This will naturally boost self-esteem and make life calmer and relationships stronger.

Published in Mirror of the Week