2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
When your boundaries are constantly and methodically violated, it becomes more difficult to understand where they go
It's like living near the airport as a child and watching dozens of planes take off and landing every day, but don't know what it's all called. Well, "something" is happening, and okay, you just live and watch "this" day in and day out. You understand that it was only when the words "airplane", "fly", "passengers" and other related words appear in your speech apparatus. Then what you see takes shape, name and, most importantly, meaning.
So it is with your own borders. If your parents beat you in childhood and assured you that they have every right to do so on the principle “I gave birth to you, I will kill you,” then this principle will be written down as a norm. If in childhood you were told "oh, you ungrateful shit!"
If in childhood your mother did not take into account your feelings and could take her girlfriends into your room and say loudly to the three neighboring apartments: “Look, how dirty Masha’s room is, but she’s a girl !!”, then what will stop her when you will be 25? Bring your girlfriends into your apartment without warning and show them what terrible and poor conditions you live in? Easily.
If the husband persistently says for all 7 years of marriage that everything is in order with your mind, “but if your breasts were like your neighbor’s, then you wouldn’t have the price!”, Then what will prevent him from saying that until you throw off the extra ones, 5 kg, he won't go to bed with you? If your wife insists once a week that it's time to pick up snot, finally become a man and start earning not 4500, but 5500 in foreign currency, because you won't save up for a new Porsche in three years, then what will prevent her from discussing your "inferiority" with your girlfriends over a glass of martini? That's right, nothing.
Borders are not easy. Even if they were well built in childhood, there is no guarantee that you will not inadvertently fall into a relationship in which they will be blown away by a wave of a narcissistic partner.
To understand that something was wrong and the consequences of this “something” on your own today, you need to give it a name. For example, "assault", "physical violence", "beating". Then the situations when dad behaved with you like the noble family of Malfoys with Dobie can be seen from a completely different angle.
It can be other words, for example, "humiliation", "devaluation", "neglect". Then you will be able to understand why you react so sharply to any comments: they threaten your sense of significance and value, maybe, as in your distant childhood.
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