2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
- What is the secret of our long marriage?
- No matter how busy we are, twice a week we go to a restaurant.
- Candles on the table, dinner, nice music, dancing.
“She dines at the restaurant on Thursdays, I on Fridays.
(Henny Youngman)
Fact 1: YOU WILL NOT ALWAYS LOVE EACH OTHER. AND THIS IS NORMAL.
After a year of relationship, attraction and hormone levels decrease slightly. Honeymoon and hot passion cannot last forever. Every couple experiences the ups and downs of physiological attraction. The amount of sex may decrease, but the quality increases significantly along with the growth of trust, knowledge of each other and curiosity for experiments in a couple. One study showed that the main thing is not the quantity of sex, but its quality. Heterosexual couples were divided into two groups and for 3 months the first group adhered to the usual schedule of sexual relations, and the second doubled the amount of sex. As a result, the second group felt a little less happy than usual.
Fact 2: YOU ARE DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Not only because one is a man and the other is a woman. Paul has nothing to do with it. You are both Personal and you have opinions. Each of you has his own life experience, his own history of development, his own perception and attitude to various issues. And it's okay that at some points your partner may disagree with you. You are not his parent, so that he (she) obeys you like a diligent child. Having your point of view and expressing it is better than pretending to be someone else and trying to please, serve, meet the expectations of your partner. Allowing yourself to be yourself and the other to be different and to endure that otherness is what really matters.
Fact 3: CHILDREN ARE NOT THE PURPOSE OF FAMILY CREATION.
Children are guests in your home. And in the future, they will be independent people whom you help to grow up and safely separate when they turn 18. The birth of a child will not refresh the feelings in a couple if there are problems in her between husband and wife. Failure to understand these facts often leads to divorce after the "family nest" is emptied. A family may well exist without children.
Fact 4: FAMILY WON'T REDUCE YOU FROM LONELINESS.
Many got married so as not to spend time alone. Divorced for the same reason.
The family does not get rid of loneliness. Rather, on the contrary, in a relationship with a loved one, the early traumas received in parent-child relationships are exacerbated. Fear of loneliness, fear of abandonment and emotional dependence on a partner entail suffering and conflict in a couple. It is better to resolve these issues with a psychologist, and not place hope and responsibility on a partner. The ability to withstand your own loneliness, respect the mental and physical boundaries of a partner is the key to harmonious relationships in a couple. Healthy feelings between partners mean that each family member has time for themselves and personal space. After each "immersion in their loneliness" partners feel refreshed, filled - as well as at the dawn of a relationship, when the mute missed each other and want to share and exchange impressions.
Fact 5: YOU WILL BOTH WILL CHANGE. INSIDE AND OUTSIDE.
The main property of life is fluidity. As water wears away stones, so life's circumstances smooth out the sharp corners of a person or, on the contrary, lead to splits. If you keep up with each other and with these changes, grow and develop together and at the same time, everyone as individuals, take an interest in each other and choose each other as wives and husbands every day, then the family will be a source of strength and inspiration for you. Scientific research confirms that emotional closeness with a partner can help people cope better with stress, contribute to life extension, and the ability to celebrate each other's success increases the level of relationships and well-being.
Finally, I would like to remind you that most of the fairy tales ended with the fact that "fell in love and got married", "got married and lived happily ever after." Because these are fairy tales. We were left with a field for imagination, what happened next. Fantasies turned into illusions. Illusions lead to unjustified expectations. Meanwhile, real relationships flew to hell on all fronts. And at best the dumb question remained: "How did they live happily ever after?"
Love and family are not the same thing. Love is the unity of people on an emotional level. And the family is the unity of two people at the social level, which implies a new type of relationship - partnership. Ability to live together and negotiate, solve emerging problems, share responsibility.
Everyone is familiar with the phrase "the boat of love crashed against everyday life", "everyday life kills relationships." But at the same time, more than 60% of couples unite the joint solution of everyday issues. One of the decisive factors is the ability to negotiate everyday things.
If your relationship is going through tough times, talk to each other. Do not silently accumulate grievances and do not pour mutual reproaches, but try to remember "why are you together." This is the most important question!
When an agreement fails, couples turn to a psychologist. When working with a couple, a specialist does not take the side of any of the partners, because in a couple there are no exclusively right and wrong, good and bad. Relationships are the so-called hand-made, created in four hands. The psychologist helps to understand what is happening in the relationship between partners at the moment and what caused it, what difficulties each partner had before the start of the relationship, what happened in the process. It also helps to formulate a general constructive request and identify obstacles that hinder the achievement of mutual understanding and harmony in the family. Often, it is only in the psychologist's office that a husband and wife begin to conduct a constructive dialogue, listen and hear each other, and express their feelings in an environmentally friendly way without reproaches and accusations. And then they transfer this experience to their family life.
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