2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
"YOU ARE NOBODY WITHOUT ME." This phrase no longer cut the ear. Over the long years of marriage, Marusya got used to her. She got used in the same way as to the alcohol dependence of her husband, his beatings and mistresses.
From a young cheerful girl for 7 years of marriage, she turned into an old woman. That was how she felt inside.
He was her first man, her first love, her hope. With him, she should have become happy and loved.
It all began imperceptibly, she did not even immediately understand what was happening, but gradually Marusin's life entered the acceptance of the fact that without him she was NOBODY.
At first, he began to humiliate her in front of friends, say that she does not know how to cook, ridicule her like a young housewife. Then rip off her anger with obscene language after work. Then he accused her of not being able to give him sexual pleasure and that is why he has to look for him on the side. Then he stopped spending the night at home. And then he raised his hand to her.
“You are no one without me,” Marusya often heard from her husband. She lived in his apartment, drove in his car, bought groceries with his money. She was completely dependent on him - on his money, mood, his desire for her.
“You are no one without me,” the husband repeated authoritatively during every scandal. And there was no one to ask again.
Marusya gradually stopped communicating with her friends and parents - there was nothing to brag about, but she was afraid to talk about her misfortunes, suddenly it would come to him. “Got married - bear with me, now you won't find such people in the daytime with fire,” the divorced mother, always preoccupied with herself, told her when she risked opening the curtain of her family life. “Yes, that's right, and in general - they can't stand dirty linen in public, we must be silent,” Maroussia decided and fell silent.
At first, she thought it was accidental, that he was not out of spite. Then, that such is the fate of women, remembering all the quarrels in the parental family. She reassured herself that - but she was married, but she had her own roof over her head, and from the outside they were a wonderful couple.
And she silently endured drunken fits of jealousy, accusations, fights and blows, which she covered with foundation. Fear settled in her heart. - fear of tomorrow, fear of her husband, fear of the world.
“I AM WITHOUT HIM - NOBODY,” Marusya believed in a few years. No education, no profession, no children, no friends - after 7 years of marriage, she no longer had anything. Nothing behind the soul and nothing in the soul - an old woman of 25 years old, tired and haggard, with frightened eyes and a stooped back.
One day he came very drunk and beat her very badly. She was admitted to the hospital with a concussion. There the old doctor, calmly listening to her story, told her that if she did not leave him, he would cripple her next time. She listened to the doctor just as calmly and thought.
In the hospital ward, Marusya had the opportunity to look at her life from the outside: where did her smile go, where did her trust in the world disappear, where did her hopes evaporate, did she dream of such a life? "You are nobody without him," - habitually tried to stop her inner voice from such reflections. But then another voice added: “But if you don't leave, you will die as nobody. But you really want to live, live differently. Who are you, Marusya?"
She left her husband immediately, did not return to him from the hospital ward, entered the correspondence institute and went to work. Hunger and lack of money were not scary to her, because she knew another fear - the fear of opening the front door by a drunk husband at night. Yes, the truth is they say that everything in this life is known in comparison.
The small self-earned money brought her more pleasure than all the previous ones. A few years later, she remarried, then gave birth to a son, then opened her own sewing company, then graduated from the university.
The world turned out to be not so scary. In any case, she never met people more terrible than her first husband. She became a wife, mother, director, friend. She lives an ordinary life, she has many plans, many sketches, many friends.
For others, she became different - Maria Valerievna, mother, relatives.
And inside she remained the same Marusya, the one with many hopes. These hopes, however, have now become slightly different - hopes for themselves and for their strength.
She still has a lot to do, because old age is still far away, and she knows the main thing - to create herself and her life on her own, without asking others - who she is.
This story is not unique. However, not everyone manages to get out of such a vicious and dependent circle of relationships so easily.
And this story so quickly and simply ended only on paper. Everything in life was much more complicated and tragic.
Many women do not dare to finally break up with their husband - the fear of the unknown is stronger for them than the fear of the front door opening by a drunk husband at night, and many, after breaking up in a new relationship, repeat the past, like a carbon copy.
Why do such dependent relationships in principle arise?
The background was like this. When Marusya was little, her parents divorced. Naturally, no one asked if she wanted this, no one asked her feelings and experiences. Her beloved daddy married another, forgetting about her. The mother with whom she had to live was emotionally cold towards her, constantly in search of a life partner, and the girl had no hope for her love. Despite this, she hoped that someday everything would change, and dad would return to her life.
After her father left, she felt lonely and abandoned, it was unbearable. To somehow cope with this, she began to dream. She cherished the hope for the return of her father - his love, his care and affection. Nadezhda was silent, unconscious, deeply hidden in the darkness of her soul, until her future husband appeared. Older than her, he revived her hope for the love and care that she cherished in her relationship with her father. He became a returning dad for her. And when everything went wrong, she was already familiar with the meaning that she realized for herself in childhood - she was exchanged for others, she did not cope with this fault, and she must be silent and hope. Endure and be silent. After all, if her husband leaves her, she will have to endure a terrible feeling of loneliness, and the choice between beatings and a feeling of loneliness has always been in favor of beatings. Before talking to the doctor.
Childhood emotional trauma provided the basis for the obsessive replay of childhood relationships in her adult life
“The most terrible consequences of primary trauma for us lie not in the trauma itself, but in the disorders it causes in a person's sense of his Self and in his unconscious desire to reproduce in his life the relationships characteristic of this trauma. A person who cannot withstand the emotions caused by primary trauma cannot help but find himself in the position of a victim. James Hollis.
But there is nothing that cannot be changed.
The main goal of psychoanalytic therapy is to create a new conscious way of life for a person, that is, in his awareness of unconscious neurotic repetitions of traumatic situations from childhood, awareness of his own then unsatisfied desires and the discovery of ways acceptable in real life for their implementation.
That is, the goals of analytic therapy are always aimed at expanding a person's abilities to realize and overcome his internal conflicts.
Do you want to change your life? Try it!
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