Think About People First, And Then About Yourself?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

We live in a society and communication is an important part of our life. However, we often interact with each other as if we are playing certain roles that destroy the relationship. Stephen Karpman, a specialist in transactional analysis, identified these roles and named them: Rescuer, Persecutor, Victim. The interaction in which these three, essentially manipulative, roles are presented, he called the dramatic triangle.

Practical example

Eve is twenty-five years old, she is married. The young woman says that she is worried about "not being able to live her life." In our previous meeting, it became apparent that Eve is in a dramatic triangle. Her "favorite" role is Rescuer. From the role of the Rescuer, she constantly participates in the lives of her relatives, friends, acquaintances and even strangers. All the time she helps someone: with deeds, advice, money, then, seeing that her efforts are unsuccessful, Eve feels A sacrifice … In addition, some “rescued” reproach her for the fact that: “she didn’t help enough,” “not the way they wanted,” and so on. Eve starts to get angry and goes into the role The pursuer. The girl really wants to get out of the triangle.

- Eve, I suggest you draw three roles from the dramatic triangle: Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim. How do you feel about this idea? - Yes, I'll draw, I'm interested in myself.

The victim is a cloud, does not have a clear shape, cries that everyone owes her, but no one does anything. - Has the cloud always been a cloud? - No, once upon a time it was a man. This person has been doing something all his life in the hope that they will give a reward. But, they did not give it. Gradually, the person lost his shape and turned into a cloud. He believes that "everyone owes him". - From whom did you hear these words: "Everyone owes me"?

- How do the Persecutor and the Victim interact? - The victim provokes the Persecutor, cries that "everything is not right." - What actions does the Victim provoke the Persecutor to do? - For aggression, for her, aggression is a habitual way of getting attention.

- The persecutor wants the Victim not to bother him, not to interfere with his life, "you can't help grief with tears." He hates tears, gets annoyed: "We need to do something to make things better." The weapon is in his hands, so as not to let him get close to him, to drive away the Victim. It turns out that when I am in the role of the Victim, I repeat the behavior of my mother. And when I'm in the role of the Persecutor - dad. - I think that your parents were in other roles from the dramatic triangle. For example, how now, after the divorce, does mom communicate with dad? - She can't stand him, she says all sorts of nasty things about her father. - What do you think, from what role does mom do it? - From the role of the Pursuer. - How does the father behave? - He's making excuses. Behaves like a Victim. Or, for example, my mother wanted to become a Rescuer for her brother. She took out a loan on enslaving terms so that he could study at the institute. But, he was not going to enter this institute, he has completely different interests. As a result, he studied for two months and stopped attending classes. It turned out that my mother had nothing to repay the loan with. As a result, my husband and I pay for my mother. My husband and I were the victims. - What do you feel about your mom now? - Wild irritation. I understand that I am becoming a Persecutor towards her. - Eve, tell us about the Rescuer. - He, like a titan, holds the earth with people above him, is responsible for the emotional state of all people on earth.

- People come to him with problems, he helps everyone. This makes him feel significant. - And if you hadn't helped? What would happen to him? - The role of the rescuer as a life-saving shell. Without her, he does not know what to do. - Eva, pretend that you are the Rescuer whom you drew, hold the sofa cushion over your head, as if this is a land with people.

- Inconvenient. - What do you want to do? - I would like to lower the pillow. (Lowers). - How do you feel now? - Much better. But this is a light pillow. Holding the ground is an impossible burden. - What do you think unites all three roles? - (With surprise). They are united by the refusal of responsibility for themselves, their lives. The victim is not responsible for anyone at all, and the Rescuer and Persecutor seek to take responsibility for others, but not for themselves. - How can you get out of the triangle? - It turns out that you can get out if you take responsibility for your life. - Yes, and only in all my life. Each person is responsible only for himself, if he is old enough and capable. Agree? - It's easy for me to agree with the first statement. With the fact that I am responsible for myself. And it's harder with what I answer only for myself. Because since childhood I have been accustomed to being responsible for the relations of my parents, for my brother. “Your responsibility for other people is an illusion. Everyone makes their own decisions. So, he is responsible for him. For example, your parents divorced despite your best efforts to keep their marriage together. Divorce is a responsibility of each from the parents. It was my mother's decision to take out a loan. This is her responsibility. It is the brother's responsibility to quit college. Now you and your husband have chosen to pay off the loan for your mother, paying off the debt has become your responsibility. When you realize that your actions are your choice, how do you feel about your mom? - Anger disappears. Paying a loan for my mom is really my choice. Thanks to my husband for supporting me in this. I agree that everyone is responsible for their own lives, for the choices that we constantly make. It is only very difficult to change the beliefs to which I have become accustomed from childhood.