The Perfect Loser

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

It happens that if a person is mistaken in something or does not achieve success in some business, he begins to consider himself a failure, and not just a person who did not cope with some task. A person imperceptibly deprives himself of the right to any mistake. But since a person cannot avoid making mistakes, this belief easily turns into a form of self-condemnation and stable anxiety (into a constant expectation of failure). And failures, mistakes, of course, like any person, do happen. But for a person with such a form of thinking, this is experienced hard, he falls into depression, which is described by such words as a feeling of his own worthlessness and insignificance.

We all came from childhood, we were all babies and we all experienced frustration, irritation and discontent. And they were all ways of solving our little problems. When we were hungry, we cried, and that hour, as if by magic, the warm and tender hands of the mother with milk appeared. We, as true heroes of ancient myths, ruled these divine hands. If it was cold for us, we let us know again and these same hands created the necessary comfort.

Many adult children, growing up, continue to use this very method of influencing over-compliant parents to settle their own affairs.

But now the baby grows up. And while continuing to feel almost like a god, able to rule the world, the center of a small universe - a family, he suddenly finds himself in society, in a kindergarten group, in a school. And there, with horror, he begins to understand for himself: it turns out that he is not the only god who claims to rule the universe. - Around him there are people like himself, and they want to control this universe in the same way.

The child then has the task of adapting and finding himself in this world. There are two ways to:

• Find some new method for solving your problems, getting good grades (both academic and emotional) or …
• Declare yourself the worst in advance. Many children easily understand that if in this universe (outside the home) they do not claim to be the best, but declare themselves the worst, then there will be nothing to demand from you, and that vanity will remain at rest. After all, worse than you feel yourself, no one can do anything to you. This is how various forms of psychic defenses appear.

The problem is that from those early days it seems to a person that declaring himself to be insignificant is easier than finding some way out of the situation. It's easier, because if you really feel like a worthless person, then your parents and everyone around you should certainly help you.

But the first way, the desire to find a certain method in which everyone likes you and which allows you to receive only good grades in life is not so simple. After all, that's all you need to get new knowledge, find a method, and then you will achieve success.

The method we have received gives us confidence. And from now on, a person tries to pass most of his life through the filter of this method, tries to apply it everywhere. And it often happens that there are so many schemes in our head that the only way out, as then at school where I tried to be the best, suddenly turns out to be feeling like a complete insignificance.

Methods are the traps of human relations, these are the most direct methods of manipulation and hypocrisy: we believe that we are able to learn techniques and methods that can hide our true feelings about people and inspire them with an image of us that they will respect, even if we have no respect for them.

"The biggest mistake in life is his fear of making a mistake." - Ron Hubbard. Therefore, for a person, in his real life, it is more useful to perceive himself as an imperfect creature. prone to human weakness and error. It is much more effective to go about your business, doing it sincerely than to sort out, like beads, schemes and methods given by education, which are so difficult to apply to real situations.

Often a feeling of worthlessness is associated with the past, forcing us to reshape something that no longer exists, to solve problems that begin with the words "if only …" someday … then it wouldn't happen to me today). This is our habit of continuing the process within ourselves, when in reality it ended long ago. The past has already passed and it is not worth thinking about mistakes a lot. However, we do not even think, but we live under their burden, afraid to remember their real content.

When we are afraid to remember our mistakes, we proceed from the belief that: "There must be an ideal solution to this problem, I must be confident in myself and must be in complete control of the situation."

Often we are burdened with mistakes by the thought that there should have been and there was an ideal solution to the problem I faced. And I did the wrong thing, made the wrong choice, couldn't make a decision. It means that I am an insecure person and cannot (and will never be able to in the future) control my own. The very conviction also constantly prevents us from making a choice, making a decision. In such situations, people have thoughts in their heads like: you need to find the best way; if I keep looking I will find it; I just can't make a decision; I have enough self-confidence.

In the belief "There should be an ideal solution to this problem, I must be confident in myself and must completely control the situation" there are, as it were, two elements, levels:

We believe that there is an ideal or perfect solution to a problem and must be found. If you can't find it right now, the results will be dire. T. N. this belief is very often manifested in parents. Every parent is convinced that there is some absolute and ideal way to solve the problem of upbringing. And you need to find this way. And if you can't find him, then the child will grow up to be a terrible person. And our opinion is absolutely irrational, because children are not programmable computers. There is no parenting method that suits all children and creates children the way their parents would like them to be

Regardless of whether there is an ideal method or not, a person is convinced that he must fully control the changing situation. The method itself is necessary for him in order to control the situation or process. At the same time, completely not recognizing the idea itself as irrational. A person turns to doctors, teachers, believing that they have a certain secret, a miraculous method. And since problems are often not solved as easily and quickly as they would like, the person is offended, because he hopes that any problem has a short and effective solution. Something like a "magic wand." And not finding such a solution or method, he gets upset. And instead of really starting cooperation with a doctor, starting to change his habits and behavior, he again runs in search of the next doctor or teacher who has the perfect solution to this problem

It is easier and easier for a person to convince himself of the aimlessness and meaninglessness of life than to look for ways to make his own changes. The inability to find an ideal solution to the problems of concern to a person, suddenly becomes an excuse for an absolutely meaningless and idle existence. Well, really, if there are no ideal solutions, then everything is vanity around, and under the sun there is not and cannot be anything meaningful. Why then worry, try, bother. If life is monotonous and mechanical work, if working 8 hours a day, we can only afford to buy a tiny room, and sleep in this room for 8 hours to be ready to work the next day, is it worth it? worry.

A person can find the ideal solution to a problem only within himself

It is very difficult for a person to accept something that, in his own opinion, is not compatible with his ideas about himself. Therefore, the so-called "ideal solution" will be ideal only for himself

A person who feels unworthy or undeserving can hold back those feelings long enough to be successful. However, then it turns out that he is psychologically incapable of enjoying success. This is our sense of worthlessness, which happened in the past, means that we absolutely do not know how to enjoy the successes that we have achieved today. Surprisingly, sometimes a person who has achieved success can feel guilty, as if he stole it. And the attitude about the ideal solution will be to blame for this feeling. "I achieved success by accident, because in fact, I already know, the ideal solution, absolutely correct, I have not found in my life."

“I haven’t found the perfect solution and I don’t have complete control over the situation. It means that I am not worthy of my success, I stole it. "There is even a so-called" success syndrome ", which describes a certain person who, upon learning that she has achieved success, begins to feel guilt and anxiety. Here success has a negative connotation.

But real success has never hurt anyone. Striving for a goal that you consider important to yourself, not at all because it personifies a certain symbol of social prestige, but because it corresponds to your true desires, is very useful.

Striving for true success is possible! Just to learn to understand that in human life there is a striving for the ideal and ideal solutions, but they themselves do not exist! One can and should strive for the ideal, it is a pity that it is impossible to become an ideal. Striving to be a healthy or confident person cannot be a success. We feel success only as a striving for a high and creative goal.

It is important to distinguish between what is a goal in your life and what is the means to achieve it. If we give the analogy of an organism as a car, then we can say the following: a car can never be in perfect condition, this will not happen. Otherwise, you can spend your whole life bringing it to such a state, it is important that it be in good working order, and not in perfect condition. What the car strives for is the goal, and everything else is just a means. And, of course, you need to monitor it, but you should not attach excessive importance to it. Otherwise, we will never be able to make a choice, to understand what is the main thing in our life and what problem we need to solve. And there is no perfect solution to every problem we face. It can be said in another way: every solution we have suffered and thought out is ideal. Because as soon as we accept it, they almost instantly remain in the past, and cause a new chain of events, which is almost always positive. The main question is that if we did not solve this problem perfectly, then can we learn a lesson from this.

The desire for ideal solutions, actions has a direct connection with such processes in the souls of people as procrastination (also called compulsive slowness, deferral compulsive syndrome).

Procrastination is a consequence of perfectionism: fear of error, doubts about one's own actions. "If I have even a small chance of not being successful, I won't do anything at all."

The personality portrait of such people is something like this: they are very responsible people, they do not like conflicts, fascinated by the ideal and perfection of the goal. They cannot do badly, but they have a very small range between acceptable and ideal results.

Procrastination refers to what has long been called obsessive compulsive disorder. Its roots lie in multidirectional parenting styles: a strict dad and a mom who indulges the child's weaknesses. The child gets used to the fact that any strict peremptory demand can be canceled. Such a conflict will be interfered with inside the soul (internalized) and reproduced from situation to situation. When the demands on oneself exceed the norm, then the resisting part, the latent and unmanifest genuine need, prevails. Basically, such people complain that they cannot do something. But I CAN'T be behind any one I DO NOT WANT, namely some kind of need, eager to respond.

Such people, accepting an obligation or a task, know in advance that they will not fulfill it. We can say that such people have a deficiency in the ability to reject something (with an increased ability to receive information and do what they really do not want). They are, as it were, blocked from their emotions associated with rejection, rejection of something. But they have hyperresponsibility. For procrastinators, responsibility is directly linked to guilt. And they cannot refuse, since this is also associated with a sense of guilt. Guilt is often based on irrational self-claims received from parents.

Procrastinators try to solve everything through an effort of will. And the will will not be enough, since the will is directly related to needs. And if a person has needs in one place and rim, and values about another, then a conflict arises. Often among procrastinators, the strictness of internal laws is associated with the vagueness of internal needs.

Striving for ideal solutions and control over the situation, first of all, prevents us from making decisions. And it is very important here to understand how it is still necessary or possible to make decisions.

How much information do you need to make a perfect decision? The answer sounds extremely simple: you need as much information as you need to make the right decision. The problem is that her search can go on indefinitely, and at the moment when decisions need to be made, there will be a complete mess in my head

But it is still important to understand that the process of collecting information itself and all the work done is very important, the problem must be studied in detail. This is the rule of genius people: you first study the problem, and only then the world or God begins to prompt you with the correct solution. The fact is that in order to solve the problem, you need to spend energy on it, tk. if you don’t spend them, then this problem will never be valuable to you.

The decision-making process itself should rather be, and often comes out, irrational. Because if you follow only one logic, then, then, looking into the past, a person will undoubtedly come to the conclusion that there was a more optimal solution to this problem.

The correct decision usually comes by itself. We need to learn to separate in ourselves the process of analyzing information and the moment of irrationality, which is called a choice (decision-making). We are afraid to let go of control over the situation, it seems to us all the time that there is little information and we need more and more in order to make a final decision. And of course, in order to be absolutely confident in myself, in the sense that now I own all the information and therefore my solution is perfect.

But we know that this never happens in real life. We must learn to feel that there are two components: analysis and synthesis, reason and … decision making. And these are different things.

The problem of any confused life situation is that it cannot be overcome with pure intellect and analysis. Any situation, so to speak, is balanced. In it, the number of pros and cons is the same. Yes, and a look from the outside on any of our questions may often seem not so serious: if I buy a new TV, it's good, I will watch movies and play games; I won't buy a TV - it's also good, I'll spend less time on all sorts of nonsense, I read a book, otherwise that's how many have accumulated.

In order to make a decision, a criterion is needed that goes beyond the specific situation and usual logic.

How can you find these correct guidelines in order to stop being afraid, demand ideality from yourself and learn how to make decisions?

In a situation of uncertainty, we often cannot understand which choice will be more effective and efficient.

There are two possible paths, and both are irrational:

• Lean on the decision that first occurred to you before you started rational analysis. Spit on all the arguments of reason and act according to the completely justified principle "because I want it so". Of course, there are also pitfalls here, which are about the fact that you can endlessly start chasing your own desires. This method can be used, perhaps, when a person is at a complete dead end.
• This is the development of intuition. This is such a fortune-telling to oneself (communication with one's own intuition). The point is to distract a person from specific life experiences and awaken an "inner flair".

Hexagrams, runes, or bones do not say anything by themselves. They offer vague wording from which to choose the one that evokes an internal vague response. This is the voice of intuition. Runes, i-tszyn, rituals, these are all decorations, the purpose of which is to bring a person into a kind of trance state, immersion in oneself. These are all intermediaries between a person and his unconscious, the genius living in him.

You take a coin, thinks heads or tails, and flip it. This, of course, requires determination. And here you can hear the voice of intuition: after one of the sides of the coin has fallen out, you take a coin in your hand and ask yourself, "Well, I have made a decision. And how do I feel?" Close your eyes and try to see a scene that signifies the consequences of your decision. Try to see the details of this scene. And if you felt that everything suits you, then the decision you made was correct. and if everything inside shrinks and protests, this feeling of protest is more important and you cannot make the decisions that have fallen out.

Of course, dealing with perfectionism and procrastination doesn't end there. Quite the opposite. For more detailed and specific ways, people meet at consultations with psychologists (where I invite you). There are no two identical clients and situations, each consultation is unique and unrepeatable. Therefore, I hope, see you soon! And let, after reading this article, your life will become a little easier!)