I'm A Loser. I Can’t Help Myself. Everything Is Useless

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I'm A Loser. I Can’t Help Myself. Everything Is Useless
I'm A Loser. I Can’t Help Myself. Everything Is Useless
Anonim

The client came up with a problem: “I'm a failure. I can’t help myself. Everything is useless."

Where does such a clear negative belief about yourself come from? Because of a series of attempts to make good money, each time ending in failure.

I ask: "How many such attempts were there?"

The client immediately names 3 cases, I ask him to continue. He remembers 5 more cases, so only 8.

Some are associated with starting their own business (mini business), some with hired work.

The client is fixated on failure and is looking for someone to blame. In this case, myself.

With this attitude, self-esteem, self-confidence falls, and motivation falls - to act, try, start. For he is sure that in the future the result will be the same.

It's all useless, I'm a failure. Don't even try.

I shift the client's emphasis from the identity level “I'm a loser, I can't do anything” to the level of actions.

I ask you to describe the work, if they have any similarities.

The client confidently says that they are different. And then there is a list of types of work, various attempts.

For the client, they are completely different, but I am looking for similar strategies, a common essence that unites all unsuccessful attempts to see the general scenario.

I ask a number of questions, running the whole process from the emergence of the need for something to do and ending with the final result.

So, there are a total of 8 different attempts, different types of work, ways of earning money, actions.

Despite the external difference, if you look not at their results, and not at the external forms, but concentrate on the process, how it proceeded, how it was treated, what stages - then everything is essentially similar. Eight attempts can be divided into 2 scenarios.

Scenario # 1. 6 cases.

The description is briefly as follows:

Ignited by an idea. He believes that he will start now - and everything will work out.

Here it is! I found the right idea! Everything will be now.

I like the idea very much, this image of success beckons to itself. He starts a business with great enthusiasm.

He rushes into battle with all his might, does a lot of things.

Further, real life shows that everything is somewhat different from what it was in fantasy.

This starts to shatter enthusiasm, but at first the person does not give up. Thinks that it just needs a little more time, here's the result soon. You just need to push slightly.

Presses one, two, three. Enthusiasm burns more with each attempt.

Further more attempts. And in the end, disappointment arises. The person drops the case.

Then a period of apathy, doing nothing, lying on the couch. I would like to rest, gain strength. After several weeks, the next period begins - self-extinguishing of oneself. That I’m sitting around here.

“Well, I'm a man, not a rag. Pull yourself together! - so he tells himself.

Looking for a cool new idea. Finds.

AND …. everything is repeated in a circle.

Beyond expectations, huge enthusiasm at the beginning, loss of enthusiasm, abandonment of work. A period of apathy. Self-burning period. Finding a new idea.

Now let's consider Scenario # 2, which covered 2 cases.

After a prolonged period of apathy and self-extermination, there is no new idea, and there is little money in the family. The wife kicks in the side. Out of hopelessness, a man decides to get at least some kind of job.

At least some work is lousy and low-paid. On which I do not want to work initially. He breaks himself, makes him work, "for the sake of the family."

The energy of violence against oneself is enough for a couple of months, total fatigue, irritability sets in, after work he walks at home like a vegetable, every morning he hardly forces himself to get out of bed and go to the hated work. For some time he lives in a permanent state of exhaustion.

The wife, seeing that the husband is suffering specifically, gives the go-ahead for dismissal. Cheers him up. Quit already, you'll find a better job.

The man quits, and then the first strategy is turned on - the search for a new idea, which ignites everything in a circle.

Where did this strategy come from?

Why does he believe that success depends solely on the fact that you need to “find an idea” and “push”.

He formed this idea from the literature he read - examples of people who suddenly became rich.

Some articles on the Internet: there was a man, he was unsuccessful for years, then bam - he came up with an idea and became immediately rich.

At least this is how the client perceived these stories. This is a static picture - that's one, two - and you're done.

And so I thought that the reason for his failure was simply that he did not find the right idea.

The client's biggest problem is that he believed in an NON-WORKING scheme.

If he had at least read the biographies of these great people, he would have learned that, in addition to coming up with an idea, these people had to go through a whole series of stages before this idea brought them wealth. This is a path, a certain path. But not right away, once - came up with an idea, two - here's your wealth.

Real reasons for failure:

1) Shifting the fulcrum, responsibility on the idea. There is a good idea - there is a successful result.

There are actually a number of factors that affect success.

2) Huge enthusiasm (on an unhealthy scale) when he finds a new idea came from an inner desire to prove. "I could!"

Who are you trying to prove? The client thought he'd prove it to himself.

But there is no proof to oneself. Whenever we prove something to ourselves, there is a specific figure from our past that we prove. In this case, it is the man's father.

Insofar as the main motive is to prove, then with such an intention you will not go far.

3) Instead of systematically moving forward, there are unrealistic expectations beyond - that success will be "quickly and immediately."

The very first difficulties quickly diminish this enthusiasm, further difficulties demoralize and the person quits.

4) Objective difficulties on the way are perceived personally. (There is a surreal idea that there should be no difficulties!)

If there are difficulties, then something is wrong with me.

Or with ideas, the idea is wrong.

Everything, the client did not consider other options.

In reality, the client is okay, and the idea may be good too, the problem is the belief that there is no difficulty.

5) In the client's psyche there is a habit of spreading rot on himself for oversight.

And also an overestimated requirement for oneself - the expectation from oneself of actions that will be IMMEDIATELY successful.

It came from demanding parents. Who expected from him only fives, and for poor grades were punished physically, and later shamed.

“How is it that we, highly intelligent people, associate professors, may have a son with a C grade! It can not be. You have to keep your brand!"

By "keeping the brand" meant: immediately, on the first attempt to do everything well.

And if suddenly a mistake is a nightmare. Correct it immediately. And in the future, to do so so as not to receive errors. Instilled perfectionism spoils life a lot.

6) Instead of looking for options on how to build up his entrepreneurial skills, starting from a small one, a man initially chose difficult types of business that even an experienced entrepreneur would find it very difficult to bring to success.

The point of focus is to take on a task that very, very laborious, and if I do it, it's a sign of coolness.

Parents suggested that everything in life is hard.

Plus to this was added: "Son, do not do what anyone can do."

This is a big hole in self-esteem. You can be proud of yourself only when you take on really hard work and long hard work (through suffering) - you get the result. Long awaited prize. This is the only prize you can be proud of!

Here the man had a protest zone (I don’t want long, like my parents, I want it quickly), and so the conviction appeared that you just need to find a good idea, to be in the right place at the right time.

Despite the fact that he made adjustments to the parent script of actions, the script remained as it was.

Active actions within this scenario - led to failure.

Having these suggestions from his parents, the man initially ignored those jobs and those types of business in which he could succeed, just because it seemed "not difficult enough."

And he chose, according to the script, what is “hard, difficult”, in order to receive the “I'm cool” prize at the end.

From the secondary benefits here: getting approval from parents, the desire to prove to them that I do mean something, to copy the behavior of the parents in order to be emotionally closer to them.

In fact, parents have never had good success in life, and they received some of their significant achievements only through persistent monotonous hard work.

For the parents, the main thing was to be proud of ourselves for hard work (victory does not mean anything if it did not go through the mountains of difficulties that we overcame).

And in the end, instead of BEING SUCCESSFUL (earn a lot, grow in positions, status, etc.), they focused on DIFFICULTIES in their choice of jobs and, accordingly, had … guess what? Many difficulties, but little success.

In this scenario, the client grew up from an early age, his whole life is saturated with this scenario, and therefore he unconsciously adopted this scenario from his parents.

The above are the main reasons why unsuccessful scenario # 1 existed.

Unsuccessful scenario # 2 (going to work that you hate) appeared due to the fact that after a long period of self-flagellation there was a huge feeling of guilt, he wanted to redeem his guilt, and therefore the man (unconsciously) made the decision to punish himself.

To analyze the scenarios and their reasons, we needed 2 consultations.

As a result, the client clearly realized:

the reasons for failure are not in himself (that he is somehow bad), but only in the fact that he used shitty scripts.

Neither scenario # 1 (looking for an idea, choosing a very difficult job) nor scenario # 2 (working in a hated low-paying job) can in no way give positive results.

Realizing bad scenarios, seeing key points is only a third of the story.

They will still turn on, there are many bindings. What has existed just like that for 30 years in the client's psyche will not be replaced so quickly by a new one.

To truly turn off bad scenario activity, we had to do a good job with secondary rewards, a few fears.

Another important detail of removing the script - the issue of raising self-esteem could not be shifted towards adequate without work with a blocked sense of pride.

After removing what supported unsuccessful scenarios, we moved on to the final stage.

We did another consultation on how to switch to scenarios and strategies that lead to success.

It turned out that the client had a couple of good experiences, only he himself did not notice them, did not focus attention, and believed that “this does not count, I was just lucky”.

In psychology, this is called self-devaluation.

Then I helped the person to decompose these cases of "luck type" into components, and it turned out that this is not an accident, but a natural success.

A certain motivation, a certain emphasis, an adequate assessment of the situation, a step-by-step achievement, a different perception of difficulties - and now the given result has been achieved.

To strengthen the strategy, we added:

- Concentration on the achievement process.

- Emphasis on the experience you gain and your growth through experience.

- Actions based on personal values, and not because “it is necessary”.

Let me summarize. We tend to become attached to any failure and tie self-esteem to it; in reality, a person invents this connection himself (he learned from his parents).

But that's all - you can change.

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