2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
IS FAMILY PSYCHOTHERAPY A DIVORCE?
Marriage is not held together by chains.
These are threads, hundreds of small threads, who sew people
together over the years.
Simone Signoret.
Marriage is the main cause of divorce.
Lawrence Peter
Marriage is a long conversation
interrupted by disputes.
R. Stevenson
Putting a question mark at the end of the title of the article, I thereby want to say that not everything here is as unambiguous as one very hyped psychologist is trying to present, who wrote an article with the same title, but formulated it as a statement. I have a different opinion on this matter - not so unambiguous, categorical and shocking, and I want to convey it here.
In my opinion, the outcome of family therapy, all other things being equal, will largely be determined by the motivation of partners. For me, there are two possible options for requesting family topics: 1. One of the partners comes to therapy 2. Both partners come to therapy.
In the first case the outcome of psychotherapy is very difficult to predict in advance. The situation here is as follows. There are psychological problems in the relationship between spouses, which are most often subjectively experienced by marriage partners as dissatisfaction with the relationship. As a result, one of the partners "matures" for therapy and one day finds himself in the therapist's office, with a desire to investigate and understand the reasons for dissatisfaction with the marriage and his possible contribution to this. The other marriage partner considers himself to be “no problem”. He does not want / cannot admit even the very likelihood of his contribution to a problematic relationship, sincerely believing that the problems are not in him, but in the partner.
Since the family is a system, the psychotherapist has the ability to influence the system even when he deals with even one element of the system. The property of any system, including a family one, is such that when one of its elements of the system changes, the entire system with its other components adapts to this change. Consequently, in order to change the entire system, it is sometimes enough to change at least one of its elements.
One of the partners attending therapy in the process of work becomes more aware, sensitive to their needs, desires, values, boundaries - that is, begins to actively change. In such a situation, there are two possible outcomes of therapy:
1. His partner, not attending therapy, begins to pick up on these changes and changes with him. As a result of this, the family system is being rebuilt, becoming more holistic, harmonious and stable. The family has a perspective.
2. His partner, not attending therapy, refuses to follow the changes and then the system collapses. In this case, the result of family therapy is really a divorce.
It is extremely difficult to predict how the partner of a person who comes to therapy will behave. It depends on a number of factors - the degree and quality of attachment, the degree of importance-value of the partner, fears of a possible separation, etc. Therefore, I would estimate the result of such therapy as 50/50.
In the second case we have, for example, the same family problems as in the first case, with the only difference that both partners are ready to accept and consider the idea of their personal contribution to unfavorable family relationships. And they both go to therapy. In this case, there is a much greater likelihood that the family will survive as a result of therapy. By the very fact of their mutual willingness to go to therapy, partners demonstrate the importance and value for themselves of this relationship and their partner.
Of course, even in this case, we cannot guarantee the preservation of the family as a result of therapy. Sometimes, in a therapy situation, it may turn out that the spouses have fundamentally different ideas about life, family, life values. In this case, the best outcome for both spouses may be their separation.
The family psychotherapist does not at all set the goal of his work to preserve the family as some immutable value. Rather, he keeps in mind the following question: "Can these people be together and be happy at the same time?"
And even in this situation, it cannot be stated unequivocally that "Family psychotherapy is a divorce."
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