Live Out Of Pity

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

It's one thing when, out of pity, a homeless kitten is picked up, fed and left to live in the house. It is quite another matter when, out of pity, they endure a person and live with him for many years.

The one with whom they live out of pity appears to be helpless, unable to survive on their own.

The union of an alcoholic husband and a wife who pulls everything herself

In most cases, this woman is from the same codependent, alcoholic family, her childhood was saturated with the pity of her father. Her love for a man has always been with a great deal of compassion. She used to fear for her father, worry about him, pity and take care of him. Her love for her father was mixed with pity and fear that something would happen to him. Unconsciously, she also chose a partner - she was looking for someone to whom her female heart would respond with pity. Even if a man initially did not really need her pity, over the years he finds a "key to her heart" - something that is guaranteed to provide him with warmth and care in their relationship - to be the one who needs to be pitied. This key may be almost the only one. A woman may not be able to feel warmth and love for someone who does not evoke compassionate feelings in her. A man finds this only way and organizes his life so as to receive her attention, warmth and care.

As a result, we get an alliance of a pathetic male idiot and a domineering heroic warehouse of a woman.

At the same time, the woman suffers greatly from his drunkenness, debauchery, from a lack of money, from his absence in the lives of children, from her female loneliness and incomprehension - from everything from which her mother suffered and endured. And she may be tempted to divorce. But it was not there. These relations are linked by a strong lock - his name is "pity". As soon as she tries to divorce, she immediately looms: "How will he survive without me?" Children unanimously begin to ask: "Mom, have pity on Dad!" Neighbors and good girlfriends reproachfully hint: "He will get drunk without you, Lyudka, he will get drunk."

Her heart is filled with the usual warmth of pity, and she again attracts him to her. Every attempt at divorce is usually followed by a honeymoon.

On the one hand, a woman “sits on the needle of pity” - she has a dependence on experiencing pitying feelings - it is through compassion, empathy and pity that her heart is filled with warmth and tenderness.

On the other hand, over the years of marriage, a man becomes infantilized. He actually feels like a child who cannot cope without a mother. He hates the "domineering mother" and at the same time is afraid to be left without her. He swears and snaps, but as soon as there is a chance to stay near her skirt, he grabs the hem again.

But it is not only pity that keeps a woman in this union. There are other serious bonuses as well.

For example, power.

Oh, this boundless feeling of superiority over a man who is in fact stronger, but largely depends on you! It is in her power not to let them go home, to bother for hours under the door, to make them spend the night on the rug, to drive them out to live in the garage, to deprive them of food intended for the whole family, to expel them from their common room with their husband to the kitchen, to take away their entire pay, to meet them from work, control calls to friends … But all this is just an illusion of control, which creates imaginary security for her. In fact, there is no security. A husband at any time can show up drunk, disrupt a vacation, ruin a children's holiday, dishonor in front of relatives and friends, ruin a birthday, you cannot rely on him in serious decisions - no matter how much a woman wants, she does not control his use. And she has to serve his passion. Children are also in the service of father's alcoholism. They are always on the alert. And we are always ready to iron out sharp corners. From an early age, they learn to defuse the situation, save their father and take a hit on themselves. From the children of alcoholics "born rescuers" grow up.

Feeling of nobleness.

Once she saved her father. Now he is saving her husband.

Being a lifeguard is sacred. To endure, to endure, to give, to save, to care for, to lift, to drag, to wash, to care for, to care for.. Noble sacrificial path. Carry your cross. Put your life on him; the more poor a husband becomes, the more holy his wife looks. Nobility is insidious, it can just be self-affirmation at someone else's expense.

I work less with men than with women, so I know more about women's experiences. As for the bonuses of men living in such relationships, I can say that these are all bonuses of infantilism - a feeling of security, protective care, the absence of the need to take responsibility for their lives.

Where is the exit?

You can't get out of such a relationship with a swoop, and suddenly, the bonds are too strong.

The first step is finding yourself in this relationship. Your needs, feelings, desires. How do I feel now? What I want? What suits me and what doesn't?

If from generation to generation men were perceived as absurd, weak, incapable of anything themselves, who need to be guided and who need an eye, and an eye, to admit that this “child” is able to take care of himself and even arrange his life without “mothers and have another woman - it's difficult for a wife! This is to surrender your power. Recognize this man as a man, and as a separate woman from him. This is to face your loneliness. And his feminine disorder.

Therefore, many women prefer to leave things as they are. "Bad, but mine." "But with a man, not one."

This union is sealed by strong bonds: "You care about me, I provide you with a feeling of not loneliness."

If you manage to meet your loneliness in a relationship, recognize it, legalize it at least in front of yourself, then slowly, despite the emotional pain, you can begin to notice something other than your husband and military operations to save him. And gradually, step by step, fill your life with yourself. By their interests, deeds. And the husband gets the opportunity not to use his wife as crutches, but to start walking, leaning on his legs. Solve your questions yourself.

Addictive marriages may not survive these changes. but as one wonderful girl once said: "I'd rather my marriage die than I die."

But it happens that a couple moves to a new level of relationship. Separated, detached from each other, noticing themselves in the relationship, finding their own interests and recognizing the common, a couple can find a new way of being together. If you need it, of course. If it is important to stay together. Or if you want to stay together, if you have an interest in each other.

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