Are We Breaking Up?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In a life half a breath

Do not plan anything but Love …

Rumi

To be or not to be!? And what does it mean for everyone in this situation to be: to stay in a relationship or dump into the unknown? Who knows which is better? How to make a decision when "everything is complicated"? Perhaps, it is really difficult to answer these questions. Let's try to figure it out a bit.

Often this question sounds simpler: what is more important for me to save myself or my family? The answer is unambiguous, but everyone is afraid to admit it, and often understands it, sorry, vulgar. And in order to become at least a little happier, a person should finally start doing what he wants himself. Everyone needs to always focus primarily on themselves, what the person himself wants, and not the partner.

And here is the final question: what do I want and to whom and what do I owe?

We all want to learn to live without violence against ourselves. You don't owe anyone anything at all. And if he should, then only do what you want. This is the only way to make yourself happy. At some point, you suddenly begin to understand who you miss, what kind of person you miss in life. You are clearly aware of all the longing for yourself. Real and Happy.

We all understand that we are different people, we have different needs and interests. Differences are the norm in general, not uniformity. And for this reason we are so different from each other. And in a relationship it all boils down to the following: do you sincerely share the interests of your partner in yourself, or are you doing something on the edge of your consciousness not what you really want, but what he wants?

The options are:

• Your interests really coincide, then please you should be in this relationship and develop it. Yes, and most likely you will not have any questions about parting in the near future.
• To be honest, the interests of your partner are of little importance to you. What happens then to you if you continue to play this game? You're just living at your own expense. You take the position of the victim. Why is this happening? You want to be loved. But as soon as there is a desire to be loved, it becomes clear that you do not love yourself. People who love themselves do not need to be loved so much. It is pleasant for them, no doubt, but this is not the meaning of their life.

So what did you want in this relationship? And you called it true love? Be honest with yourself, stop whining. Stop raving, breaking your life and psyche for yourself and your partner. After all, what often happens next? The one who needs to be loved to become as correct and good as possible for his partner. And therefore this partner quickly gets bored. No one needs and is not interested in someone who already exists, who will always be there and will do everything that is needed, because he “loves”. And the one who became bored begins to move away, and the one who "loves" to bother and harass. He acquires an almost paranoid idea - the possession of his "object of love" at any cost. Men call it the fight for their love. Women see romance and the power of feelings in this. The absurdities of children's behavior. But the infant is natural and inherent for infancy, and in adulthood it is no longer appropriate (1 Cor. 13:11)

And now what - are we parting? And if you don't make decisions yet, but think a little and try to figure it out: who loves whom?

In the end, your love is love for yourself again. Veiled, hidden from myself. And this self-love is not needed by your partner, because it interferes with his life. Are you missing love? Don't deceive anyone. Start by loving yourself. Or do you expect your partner to meet most of your desires and needs? Then you look for and dream of a loving parent, a Good Wizard and: “the belief that there is a person who was created just for us: that he will make our life meaningful and interesting … He will live only for us, read our thoughts and satisfy our deepest needs".- this is a normal healthy requirement of a nursing baby for his mother. The point is that the other person should not be our "mother" and should not guess, predict, anticipate our desires. If I need something that I cannot do for myself, then I will ask, for this we learn to speak.

Yes, we lack love. Sometimes we just shout "Love me". Each in its own way, but we shout. And while each inquires about himself, at the same time he stops loving the other. The other, not seeing love from me, is trying to survive, to preserve himself, his dignity, his idea of himself. First, we demand love for ourselves and, not receiving it from others, we begin to hate them. The problem is that we just confused everything, and when we say that we should love me, we forget to love ourselves.

“The thought that love will save us, solve all our problems and give us a state of happiness and confidence can only lead to the fact that we will fall into the captivity of illusions and nullify the true transforming power of love. Relationships, viewed from a real rather than an ideal point of view, open our eyes to many aspects of reality. And there is nothing more amazing than feeling your transformation next to your loved one … In fact, this is the meaning of a relationship in a couple: this is not salvation, but a "meeting". Or better to say, "meetings." Me with you. You are with me. Me with me. You are with you. Us in peace."

And meeting with yourself is very important.

One can speak about love only in one case. - Love is often understood as a huge feeling that has fallen on us from the sky. However, in love there is always arbitrariness, it is easier to say freedom. It is important to understand that we choose love: choose whether to love or not, choose whom to love, and the type of relationship with him. And the more conscious, transparent and clear our feelings and relationships are for us, the more mature the love is. Possibility of freedom of choice. In love there is no fatalism, "doom", because the choice cannot be where there is nothing to choose from. Love is possible only under the condition of personal freedom.

If you expect feelings from love, then this is just an expectation of the reproduction of childhood experiences, this is a repetition of relationships with parents. And again, the transfer of responsibility for their happiness to others.

Falling in love with yourself is not so difficult. But every time you suffer from unrequited love, you think that this particular person will make you the happiest, then you make the same mistake. As soon as you transfer responsibility for your happiness to someone else, you simply become addicted. To demand from another that he give you time, strength, feelings is sadism. You demand attention, strength, feelings from another person. It is important to understand that this is someone else's time, energy and attention, not yours. You are constantly begging someone else. And the only person on the whole earth who really knows what you want and can take care of you is you yourself. But you don't love yourself. But I'm ready to force another.

It takes a lot of courage to ask the fundamental question: "From what I want from this Other, what should I do for myself?" For example, if I want the Other to take care of my self-esteem, then my expectations are misdirected. If I expect the Other to be a kind parent and take care of me, then I am not too old yet. If I expect that the Other will relieve me of fears and horrors during my life's journey, then I am avoiding the main task and the main reason for my stay on earth…. Only by taking upon ourselves the solution of the heroic task of freeing the Other from our projections, we can do the maximum possible for him - to love him. As Mahatma Gandhi once remarked: “A coward cannot show love; it is the prerogative of the brave. " Projecting, dissolving into another, "returning home" happens effortlessly; to fall in love with the dissimilarity of another is a manifestation of heroism. If we truly love the Other as the Other, then we have heroically taken responsibility for our individuation and our path in life. Such heroism deserves to be called love. Blessed Augustine expressed this thought in the following way: "To love is to wish life to another."

You can fall into self-accusation and endlessly torture yourself and your partner without realizing that the phrase "It's all because I …" is a futile attempt to get your loved one to reciprocate your feelings. There is only one reason: "Well, I do not love you! How do you not understand ?!" Love is a gift and a grace, it cannot be earned.

“The myth that if two people love each other, they should have the same opinion, should be debunked. This is not the case, loving another person does not mean thinking like him or putting him above yourself. The point is mutual respect. The main thing is “to love with open eyes”.

If we succeed in this, it will not be so difficult to come to a common denominator, because we have already reached the most important agreement: I accept you as you are, you accept me.

Or we humble ourselves, realizing that there are no identical people, that our differences complement our mutual love, and do not exclude it. Or we honestly say that we cannot accept the other. Differences are the norm, not uniformity. And the phrase "did not agree with the characters" simply speaks of not wanting to change and love.

Love is a willingness to be different for another at any moment.

..and love is a choice, and choice is a matter of freedom. But how difficult it can be to accept that the other is the DIFFERENT!

"Love, which, despite the ability to keep, lets go, is very necessary for each of us! Because with such love we develop, that is, we fulfill the covenant" seek and find "(Matt 7: 7)

Adult and mature love presupposes freedom, as one of the principles of relationships, up to the freedom of these relationships to break, leave, complete. This is one of the most terrible truths of love: I am ready for the other to end our relationship, and I respect his freedom, although I am in pain and bitter! I love, so I respect the freedom of my beloved!

Love yourself, start already! From the beginning a step then the road. Stop fixing on another and calling it love. Take back your love. Ultimately, you can only share what you have. You cannot give what you don’t have. And if you do not love yourself, then you have no experience of love, and therefore there is nothing to give.

To love someone you first of all have to be someone yourself. All that you can give to others is the quality of your being.

"Self-love is the only romance that lasts a lifetime." (Oscar Wilde)

Make your feeling more aware, do you want to grow in closeness with yourself and others? - it is a question of the degree of sincerity to oneself and then to another.

"… why do we want to be loved? … Why is there this eternal desire to be loved? … You want to be loved because you yourself do not love; and the moment you love, this desire comes to an end; then you no longer try to find out whether someone loves you or not. As long as you demand love for yourself, there is no love inside you; and if you do not feel love, you are ugly, rude; so why love you? Without love, you are a dead thing; and when a dead thing asks to be loved, it is still dead; whereas if your heart is full of love, you never hold out your begging bowl to someone else to fill it. Only an empty person asks to be filled; and an empty heart can never be filled - neither by running after the guru, nor by seeking love in a hundred other ways."

Freedom in love is manifested in the fact that everyone can remain in a relationship by himself - there is no need to "represent something of himself", try to please, push. This is not required, since it is Me that is needed. The freedom to be yourself and only yourself is a special reward in love!

And at the same time, recognizing each other's right to choose is a matter of love. It is so important to deviate from yourself in some way for the sake of another. But such self-restraints are either a joy, or they should not be done. We all want to learn to live without violence against ourselves. After all, it always turns out better what is best for both of you.

And then what is the parting? Who and with whom in this relationship should part? The answer is simple, there can be no question of any break in relations for one simple reason: there was no pair, no meeting of two hearts! It just hasn't happened yet. And if there was a couple formally, and two people met for some time with each other, then there is no need to burn ships and bridges either! Take care of each other!

It's all about what everyone ultimately wants. But there is no sense in carrying all your load of unresolved problems into the "new relationship". First, everyone needs to pay attention to themselves, regain the feeling of love, love themselves, deal with projections and expectations for themselves and each other, pay attention to their own dependence on relationships and a partner, be able to feel their independence and genuine interest in another person, his right to be free and happy without us. And if there is a genuine desire to make another happy with or without us, then we can talk about love in the full sense of the word. "To love is to wish another's life." (Blessed Augustine)

That is why for a while, put aside thoughts of separation. Take a look inside yourself and you will understand that the breakup and end of the relationship, which you were so afraid of, is now impossible, because there are a huge number of things that you have not yet experienced to the end, and this is useful for each partner. Love yourself and then you will find all the resources and everything you need to truly love another. Start thinking of yourself and the other person as yourself, with the same needs and the right to happiness and freedom. Then you will want to do something. Then, with other actions, the phrase “I may not need all this. But I want to do it for You”acquires the qualities of love, not masochism.

As soon as one of the partners begins to think about these questions, any, sometimes the most hopeless, relationship begins to recover.

"Where there is a lot of love, there are many mistakes. Where there is no love, there is all a mistake." Thomas Fuller.

"And it is good to love, because love is difficult. The love of a person for a person is perhaps the most difficult thing that is destined for us, this is the last truth, the last trial and test, this is work, without which all our other works mean nothing. "(Rainer Maria Rilke. Letters to a young poet)