2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Proximity is what, in the end, we strive to establish with significant people, trying to step over loneliness … But often it turns out that, striving for intimacy, we manage to miss the opportunity to meet … Proximity does not cancel anger, anger, fear and others " bad "emotions that may be directed at a partner. The ability to endure them and keep in touch is, in my opinion, a sign of a much deeper and more sincere relationship than eternal sweet love without the slightest anger. If I cannot express all my feelings that I have to my partner, then I am not free, and we can talk about dependence, not about intimacy. I begin to partially invent a partner for myself instead of listening to him. How else? Our psyche does not tolerate emptiness, it fills the unspoken, hidden experiences of another person with its content. Alien. In the same way, the other fills with his own conjectures the voids formed where I kept silent or lied about myself. Only if I express myself as I am now, at this moment, what I feel and what I think about - only then can I hope that people will appear in my life again and again who can accept me that way. Hear my feelings and respond with my feelings … Alas, there is no guarantee - they may not hear, and not respond, or even reject them. Proximity is an experience that becomes possible with a direct and open exchange of emotions. Exactly interchange: I share something very exciting for me - and I get ANSWERING experiences for all this. Proximity is a dialogical process, it is impossible when everyone is waiting for their turn to spit out feelings, not reacting in any way to the experiences of the other or devaluing them (“come on!”, “Don’t hysteria!”, Etc.). The experience of intimacy consists in the fact that I accept, and sometimes even withstand the emotionality of my partner and feel that he / she can withstand my self-disclosure. I do not interrupt the feelings of the other, I interact with them, respond to them, do not try to overlap with my "but I have …".
I can stay detached, be in "safe mode." There is such a convenient position - you listen to someone else, you analyze something, talk about the results of the analysis, but you don’t get involved emotionally yourself. You control the expression of feelings, do not let them "too" break through. It's safer this way, but it precludes the possibility of a genuine meeting. Other people may try to take this defensive wall over and over again, their despair from impotence to break through to live (and not rehearsed) reactions develops into anger and, as a result, into alienation … “Tell me how you feel, I don’t understand you happen, and it seems to me that you don’t care what happens to me!”.. The detached one is protected from all these violent emotions, he does not pay any price for closeness, because there is no price … Keeping inner balance, I lose people, and, after them, balance begins to crumble.
The price of intimacy is sadness when parting. And parting - for a short time, for a long time or forever - is inevitable, because we also need the opportunity to be alone - if only in order to truly appreciate the rapprochement … The very word "closeness" already contains the concept of distance between two people … Sadness when parting, it always arises when we learn something valuable, very important and significant, with which (or with whom) there is no desire to part … Sadness is the most true experience of value. If you do not know sadness, there was nothing of value in your life (D. Khlomov).
If I part with people without regret and sadness - what was then in these relationships, which are easy to refuse? Yes, there was nothing, so, foam on the surface … Or there is such an option: you feel sadness, parting, but you hold the mask, "hold yourself in hand" … "My make-up may be flaking | but my smile still stays on" … Do not show that you are in pain now. But then, it turns out, you say: "I am trying my best to show that what was between us is not very valuable to me" …
Now, upon returning home after a month of absence, I am sad - many people are left behind, old and new acquaintances. Someone flashed through the line of faces, leaving no trace, someone lingered and remained in the memory and soul. Someone I am missing. I didn't manage to say goodbye to someone, and an incompleteness remains in my soul … Someone did not say what I wanted to say … I hope to meet with someone again, and this makes the sadness not so strong. It's sad, which means that something very valuable has happened and is happening in my life …
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